Adam's Hotel (Hazbin Hotel AU)

[K9Thefirst1]

One day the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them. "Where have you come from?" said the LORD to Satan.


"From roaming through the earth," he replied, "and walking back and forth in it."


Job 1:6-7




Therefore hath He mercy on whom He will have mercy, and whom He will he hardeneth.


Romans 9:18

​

Heavenly Embassy, Hell

It was as beautiful as he remembered it. 10,000 years are Adam still remembered Heaven's unique architecture, and the child's imitation of it in their religious buildings – especially in the last 2000 years, after The Almighty's Operation Emmanuel concluded in a such an unparalleled success.

Still, such spaces were never meant to be for a solitary figure to occupy.

The First Man looked at his watch, and at the clock on the wall. Yep. The Chief Exorcist was 45 minutes late. Given who Adam was dealing with, the most probable reason was to try and get him to leave without having to say they canceled the meeting. He had dealt with plenty of Overlords who played the same trick. Hell, in his times Adam had done the same thing.

Fortunately, in the Embassy guests had access to the Mana Vending Machine, and short ribs were so good.

Finally, the door to the Heaven Side of the chamber opened and an angel in the Exorcist uniform looked in, and the expressing on her mask was very satisfying. So much so Adam couldn't resist waving, a smug smirk and a mocking air kiss. The Exorcist growled in disgust, but entered anyway.

"So. You're still here."

"Ssssuuuuup!" Adam answered, "I admit I was starting to wonder if you guess had moved the meeting earlier in the day and the notice got lost in the bureaucracy again, so I made sure to come even earlier this time. Turns out you guess rescheduled the meeting to be later instead this time."

The Exorcist looked insufficiently impressed.

"Fine. Whatever Sinner. I'm Chief Exorcist Vaggie, leader of the Exorcist Divisions. We just need to wait for the third attendant for this farce and we can get this over with."

Adam cocked an eyebrow at that. Sure, he addressed the message as "To Whom it May Concern," but given that this affected the annual cleansing of Hell surely only the Chief Exorcist was required to be in attendance.

"I see. And who might that be?"

The angel scoffed and rolled her eyes under the mask.

'Well ex-cuuuussssse me exorcist!' Adam thought to himself.

"You said your proposal had to do with Sinners in Hell and their treatment here. Who else would be in a position to care but the High Prosecutor?"

That… Was surprising.

"'High Prosecutor?' The Lord finally gave some schmuck the title of Satan, Lucifer's old job? Who?" Adam inquired, which the angel seemed to find extremely amusing.

'I don't like that knowing smirk in her eye.'

"Oh, you'll love it. Well, actually you'll hate it, but I think it's a fucking riot."

Before the conversation could continue, the door opened again, and the woman who came in was… Well she was one 80's Glamrock motherfucker that was for sure. Like if the bands KISS and Vixen had a kid – shit how did she get that much volume out of her hair like that? She could smuggle a couple of kids in that hair. And unlike the subdued black and grey of Chief Exorcist Vaggie's skintight uniform, this woman was in a bright blood red and shapeless dress that looked like a full body hakama. And her face…

Her face, from the bright red eyeshadow and cheekbone spots that was way to perfect to be makeup, to the set of her feminine features, was a dead-ringer for the one being in all of Creation Adam wanted to see wiped from existence no matter of his temperament or viewpoint of the time.

There was a pregnant pause. Adam, The First Man, staring at what absolutely had to be Lucifer Morningstar's crotch-spawn, the spawn of the SOB that ruined All Creation, and Adam's two marriages, because he was so mindbogglingly arrogant as to assume he thought he knew better than God about how His own fucking creations worked.

"Cock, you're actually fucking here." She finally said. And like a spell was broken Adam found he could talk. At least it seemed she wouldn't take offense if he put his issues with her father onto her.

"Well, after you fucked me over last time, when you rescheduled the meeting six hours earlier but didn't tell me until after it would have originally ended, I thought it would be worth assuming you would do it again."

The Lucifer-Spawn groaned and crossed her arms over her chest, staring at him like she wanted him to burst into flames. Adam sighed and schooled his expression into something more professional.

"Adam, First Man, Father of Mankind," he said, offering his hand. A hand the Demi-Archangel looked at like it was a cockroach, but made no move to even acknowledge.

"Charlie Magne Morningstar. High Prosecutor of Heaven. I'd almost consider being charmed if you weren't a fucking sinner," said the actual literal spawn of the King of Hell.

'…The fuck kind of Teenage Rebellion is this?!' Adam thought as Charlie took her seat.

"Well…" Adam said, trying to find the tracks for his train of thought, "Does- Do your folks know where you are? I heard you up and disappeared a couple decades back, but I haven't really kept track of gossip-"

"The fuck should I care?"

"…Fair enough. Seems we have that in common."

"Says the one fucking guy at The Harrowing of Hell that told The Almighty to take his free ticket out of Hell and blow it out his-"

"OKAY! A-haha, okay, um, first off – No, that's not what happened. Secondly, let's segue to the meat of this meeting and continue this conversation never. Deal?"

Vaggie took her place to the side of Charlie, clearly enjoying every second of The First Man's uncomfortable expression, while Charlie offered the One Finger Salute and had the Mana Vending machine get her an apple. …Which she proceeded to slice horizontally, like a psychopath.

Filing that away, Adam pulled up his first chart for his presentation, showing a number of pie charts and line graphs of the number of souls for both afterlives and how the proportions shifted over time.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Charlie's expression take a sadistic turn at the mention of the extermination of souls in Hell. Worrying.

"As you are well aware, the number of souls annually entering Hell vastly outweighs the same number going to Heaven – and that's fair, 'The road to Hell is broad and smooth and the road to Heaven is narrow and crooked,' that's the idea, that's how it's set up, make sure those that want or deserve Heaven get it. But the truth is this results in a heavily overcrowded Hell – hence the annual exterminations of souls."

The next page was one showing off a series of his following points, showing a simplified depiction of the Crucifixion and the Resurrection of Christ (and a smol thumbnail of a Lucifer with a spear in his back and X's for eyes, and a little "Get Wrecked Lucy!" underneath it), and the flood of souls leaving Hell in the immediate aftermath, with an arrow pointing to Hell under an Extermination Day attack with a giant "WTF?!" above it.

"However, this practice of extermination seems out of place, given God's Emmanuel Project a couple thousand years ago, that not only saw Hell almost completely emptied of souls from the very beginning up to that point, but allowed for Grace and Redemption, thus theoretically greatly reducing the number of souls being damned. In this sequence of events, with Hell as Eternal Punishment, why would God want to wipe out souls, and thus make 'Eternal Damnation' well, not eternal?

"However, that question isn't the point of my proposal, as from down here I have bugger all in terms of information that Heaven would have. So, as the First Man and thus father to All Mankind, it is my responsibility to propose a solution. Observe."

Up went that page to show his final illustration, showing a photograph of the Hazbin Hotel, and a simple list of steps for what the idea was all about.

"The Hazbin Hotel. A small establishment now with only a single test case, but if we are successful in that test case, can prove it to be repeatable, and ideally get the political support from Heaven, could allow for the sinners down here to get their act together, rehabilitate their souls of sin, and should The Almighty find them as worthy of Grace as when they were on Earth, be ascended unto Heaven. Or failing that, Plan B would be to improve Hell so that it's, you know, not an absolute Hellhole, just a subjective one. Thus making the exterminations unnecessary."

Adam looked at the pair of the Heavenly Host, and just as a small fear in the back of his mind had been warning him for weeks now, the Chief Exorcist looked like she had a vested interest in not ending the exterminations, and the High Prosecutor, whose job centered around convincing God someone was beyond redemption, or otherwise deserved punishment, looked… Well, he expected such a person to be skeptical of the idea, but Charlie Morningstar…

"All right you literal scum of the earth," she said, face pinched, "if what you are suggesting I ask The Lord to put in a ladder out of Hell, or rather straight across the Pearly Gates?" she mocked.

"Yes."

Charlie Morningstar proceeded to laugh hatefully, Vaggie clearly holding her own derision and shaking her head.

"Sorry sweetie!" Charlie lied, "but there's no way they are defying their fate! Hell is forever whether you like it or not! Those shitstains ungrateful of what God did for them by gifting them with existence had their chance and now they're boiling in this little sewer pipe! Cause And Effect snowflake! Rules are there in black and white. And unlike what you think there's no point in fighting! God put this in place and let none tear it asunder Bitch!"

And as if on cue, the Chief Exorcist Vaggie pulled out her angelic spear and cut down on the chart stand and cut his presentation clean in half, taking The First Man by surprise and sending him to his ass on the floor. Adam took a calming breath, he needed to de-escalate and find a way to get around these two clear obstructionists somehow. Surely there was a way to get them to send along the proposal to someone else, by hook or be crook. Then he heard the music swelling.

Music. A Divine gift God granted all his creations, one living humans could only tap into in specific instances, controlled environments. But as they were beings without flesh, Angels, Saints, Sinners, and Demons could break into it almost conversationally – a trait some used more often that not.

And Charlie Morningstar seemed to share her biological father's love for Drama.

So try to chillax Bae, she said mockingly, taunting him with a hand miming one who talked to much.
You're wasting your breath,

Adam raised a hand, trying to find an argument powerful enough to break into her rhythm. Only to be interrupted by Charlie joining him on the flour, crawling up to him on all fours. If painted a very enticing image, and a split second conjured up a mental image of how fucking pissed Lucifer would be if he learned that Adam – like Lucifer had with Lilith – fucked the fallen archangel's daughter.

Unfortunately, Charlie's face was screaming "Crazy Bitch, Do Not Stick It In!" And her tone of voice on the next lines raised Red Flags suggesting serious issues beyond 'you disobeyed God, now you get punished for it.'

And now you imply She said, looking at Vaggie incredulously
That they don't deserve death!? She said, almost laughingly as she glared at Adam manically
Are they winners?
Are they sinners?
'Cause it's cut and dry! Charlie started to get up, gesturing to Vaggie to wordlessly ask for her opinion, which the Exorcist gave with a thumbs up.

Fair is fair! And then shadow came from her back, lifting the Demi-Archangel up from the floor.
And an Eye for an Eye!

And with a mighty slam! she dropped herself onto the table, shattering it and rocking the room, causing Adam to spread his spiritual wings to avoid the debris, and looking down, he was glad he did. Sanctified of her father's fall though she clearly was, Charlie Morningstar clearly had something infernal in her soul, going by the shadows flickering on the cracked floor, which took the form of hypothetical damned souls.

'At least I hope those are hypothetical.'

From her position on the floor, Charlie looked up to him, almost imploringly. Like one of his children in Hell when they looked to Heaven. And the music changed to something more mournful. It was obviously a trap or a ploy or something, but the Music did have a tendency to reveal the inner working's of a person, sometimes, so Adam felt it was better to play along, see if she gave something he could use to convince her.

And when all's said and done… Though the fact that she was stomping on the 'souls' in order to get to him didn't bode well on that front.
There's the question of fun…..
And to those of use with Divine Ordainment? Charlie reached up to him, and Adam played along, reaching out….
Extermination is ENTERTAINMENT! Only for her to crush his hand in a vice of a grip. If he had been a living human he'd be shopping for prosthetics.

Throwing Adam to the ground, the Demi-Archangel went into an air guitar solo that – to be fair – was Hella Wicked, and drifted down as Vaggie caught her. To let her shred until she caught her wings. Adam sheathed his wings and stood back up, only to barely dodge a tentacle of shadow from Charlie Morningstar's back,. And looking at her unnaturally shadowed face, it was obvious it wasn't done playfully. Meanwhile, the Chief Exorcist Vaggie watched with a fucking literal Anime Cat Smile on her fucking mask! And like a twisted mosh pit, the shadow sinners started clapping along to the beat, and the Demi-Archangel spread her multiple wings and took off, then conjured up a cherry red guitar – which he would have happily drooled over had it not been in the hands of someone who was clearly a pathological hater.

Hell is Forever
Whether you like it or not!
They had their chance to be better
Now they boil in a pot!
'Cause the rules are black and white
There's no use in tryin' to fight it
They're burnin' for their lives
Until we kill 'em again!

And then, with a building red light, she strummed a power chord, releasing a fucking massive burst of energy, one that obliterated the shadow sinners and their moshpit, and flung Adam through the air and into the very solid wall, cracking the Heavenly Stone, fracturing what felt like multiple ribs, and knocking the breath clear out of his chest. Adam slumped to the floor, and glared up at Charlie and Vaggie, and was only one break in will from pulling out a Power he really didn't want to indulging for a fourth time thank you.

Fuckin', Hell is forever!
And it's meant to suck a lot!
So give up your dumb endeavor,
'Cause you don't have a shot!

Healing himself enough to stand, Adam was about to try and butt in again, only for a silvery envelope to embed itself into the wall an inch from his face, courtesy of that Chief Exorcist going by her hand still in a throwing pose while she and the High Prosecutor shared a fist bump.

And since I got your attention
I guess I should probably mention
That we made the determinatiooooon
To move up the next exterminatioooooon!!

"You did WHAT?!" Adam screamed, to the amusement of the reps of Heaven while he opened the envelope.

Dear Assholes,


Fuck you.


Enjoy dying twice as often from now on.




And it was signed with a picture of a butt.

​

"You can't really expect us to wait a full year to kill those fucking cunts, can you?" Charlie asked rhetorically as she idly strummed her guitar.

"Yeah," Vaggie interjected, "I know it's been a week, but-"

"But we'll be BACK IN SIX MONTHS!!" Charlie took way to much joy in that, using another burst of Angelic Power to shove Adam through the door and into the street beyond. Adam ran back to try and get into the Embassy, but was to slow. The doors slowly closed, Charlie Morningstar taking up the view inside, running her fingers up and down the scales, glaring at Adam's desperate struggles with clear sadistic glee.

And with a boom of the closing doors, it was over.

"Shit."

------

​

First and foremost. I want to apologize to everyone. This is my first time trying to do what is essentially a Song Fic, but not completely blunder and tear up the flow of the song. I know for a fact that I messed up by trying to meddle with formatting. But apparently SV's word processor doesn't do tabbing.

Second of all. I am not at all original. I am blatantly stealing Charlie's design, and a few other ideas, from multiple Swap AU YouTube videos for Hazbin Hotel, while trying to iron out the kinks introduced and take a stab to make the setting (somewhat) more Biblically accurate. That last part I especially do not want others to assume I know what I am doing.

Anyway, as shown, this is an exploration of the idea of Charlie and Adam (among others) swapping places in Hazbin Hotel.

Spoiler: Sauces I am Stealing From

First off, Charlie's design by Robin Z is just.... *chef's kiss* And the genderswap version of the song used for this animatic gives her some evil gremlin energy I am all kinds of here for.

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwBLMMpMGAk

However, Robin's design for Lute is... Not so great. Just a mirror swap and I think glasses? Now, Kiselek, also on YouTube? Has an excellent design that is just as *chef's kiss*. My only detraction is she looks a little to normal, wicked robo arm aside, but you know what? Take what you can?

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odhDSm_WI7k

For the rest of the cast, actual swaps are pretty rare on the ground. Through two I really like are the following: Vox/Alastor and Cheri Bomb/Angel Dust

For the first, again RobinZ did something amazing - A design and "Power Up" visual gimmick that is legitimately intimidating.

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gypwDGDPlU

As for the latter, I am inspired by the Rusty Hotel swap AU. I would post the video, but it has recreated screenshots from the actual show, and I do not wish to run afoul of Mods. So have the video ID instead and find it: ?v=u4rLs7iaEQw
It makes the romance with her and Sir Pentious get another interesting dynamic, especially the end.

As for the rest of the cast, despite what the videos I show above may or may not suggest, assume the cast is the same, unless shown.

Oh. And The Lord God Almighty is around. I am taking from this interpretation. The largest difference is that he isn't as flawed or impotent as the series describes, he's just - as He puts it - "playing with a new filter," and instead of being on vacation during the events of the show, he is instead experimenting with a "Soft Power" approach to things after the Death and Resurrection thing, and is letting things happen largely uncommented on (outside of extreme circumstances) in the name of "you will either course correct, or you will have enough rope to hang yourself with when I have run out of patience."

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxiJQeR6XUk

Spoiler: My mental notes should I decide to leave this as a one shot - SPOILERS!

Why is Adam in Hell? As implied - if it could be called an implication - when the Harrowing of Hell happened, Christ/God offered Adam the chance to leave, but Adam stayed behind, knowing many of his descendants would be coming soon enough, and not being comfortable leaving them in Hell while he enjoyed Heaven. He has oscillated back and forth on whether or not that was a good idea.

What the devil happened to Charlie to turn sweet demon Disney Princess into what she is now? Sadly, an actual chapter with details would get modly ire. What I will say is that a young child that somehow slips her minders is only sometimes going to end terrible on earth, but in Hell, it's a recipe for disaster. And if wider events converge in a way that Lilith and Lucifer are distracted by other things until Charlie returns and the damage is done, and so they never noticed she was missing? Well. Ain't no breaks on this drama trauma train.

Why is God letting Charlie be the new Satan? He really didn't want to give her the job, as it was obvious that the girl needs healing and therapy, and being the one in charge of explaining - in detail - why a soul deserves damnation does not do good things for one's headspace. However, she refused any other position or even just a place in Heaven - so like the Israelites asking for a King, God sighed and let her have it, knowing that it was going to be a trainwreck.

If Cherri is taking Angel's place, where is he? Taking Valentino's place?! First off, no, ew. Angel is actually working on becoming an Overlord himself, real classic mafia gangster stuff. Why? To save his bestie Cherri of course! Get power and goons enough to take out Valentino and the VAV so that he can free Cherri Bomb. No. It's not because of romance, I am not changing his sexuality. It's all very platonic.

What's with Lilith? Given the shit that went down with Charlie, Lilith and Lucifer's marriage is on the rocks. Congratulations Adam, your Exe is suddenly very keen on giving you a hand, and is certainly not a few poorly worded phrases from going Yandere on the poor newly arrived sinner and absolutely not an ex-exorcist angel, certainly not Lute.

View: https://youtu.be/xnlqA88ZAgA?si=5w7ZgIxpSbgHYD9B

What was that about Vox and Alistor? Yep. Nebulous background is: In Canon Vox offered Alastor a spot in the Vees, and was turned down. Here, Alastor not only took him up on the offer, but then pushed him out, and down, hence the broken screen. Broken in power, spirit and body, Vox made a deal with whomever it was Alastor in canon got a deal with (presumably Lilith) and is now the big scarry boogey man after seeming to come back from the dead.

 

[K9Thefirst1]

The trek back to the hotel was a long walk. The taxis fair wasn't an issue, but after the… Well, to not call it a disaster would to be a lie. Right, after that disaster of a meeting Adam needed an hour alone in his thoughts, especially after he mailed the missive to Trench. By this time tomorrow it will have been all over the news, and everyone was going to be in a panic prepping for another extermination half a year early. Panic buying up their supplies. Adam sighed and made a mental note to get some bread, milk and plenty of toilet paper.


"Seriously, why is it always bread, milk, and toilet paper everyone buys up when there's a looming disaster?"

Further musing was interrupted as Adam passed by a construction site. Every year, on top of killing any sinner not in a bunker or basement, some exorcists also found it fun to destroy everything they felt they could get away with, which usually added to the kill count, given the usual targets. For weeks after each E-Day, Hell was gridlocked with construction work, making the Hell that was traffic in Hell even… More Hellish. And every day of those weeks the roads were filled with the sounds of construction.

CRACK!

"AUUGGGHH!!"

And the 'choir' of the poor lost souls enslaved in the employ of whichever Overlord was Voluntold to be in charge of repairs. And among the cracks of whips and screams, there was often a song or three, spawned from the misery of the souls at work.

Ahhh-AH
Ahhh-AH
Ahhh-AH Ah Ah-ah-ah

As was the case more often than not, the work music was from the heart and new, like so much spontaneous music was, away from the physical realm of Earth. But the souls were once men and women, from all walks of life. Which meant Theater kids, and some songs were just too perfect not to be adopted as some sort of official soundtrack.

Look Down [CRACK!]
Look Down [CRACK!]
Don't look 'em in the eye

Look Down [CRACK!]
Look Down [CRACK!]
You're here until you die

Adam paused, and did as bid, looking down into the great crater, watching a now exposed subway tunnel was being repaired, looking at the souls, his multi-great grandsons and granddaughters. How many centuries after Hell had been emptied that one day had it been, since he stopped seeing the suffering, stopped seeing souls like these as his own? Was it the first time he despaired to the point of being an Overlord himself? Or the second?

A soul that had taken an aquatic form paused to wipe his brow, looking absolutely miserable.

The sun is strong
It's hot as Hell below

And the chorus replied.

Look Down [CRACK!]
Look Down [CRACK!]
It's Eternity to go

The next to be compelled to sing out was a soul with rainbow dyed hair, wearing a shirt with a shirt that spelled out some political movement or another.

I've done no wrong
Sweet Jesus hear my prayer!

And the chorus replied.

Look Down [CRACK!]
Look Down [CRACK!]
Sweet Jesus doesn't care.

Adam looked elsewhere, seeing a soul that had taken the form of a corpulent turtle, overly burdened by a load of bricks, steel rails, and cement bags.

I know she'll wait
I know that she'll be true!

And was then crushed to a bloody smear under the mass while the chorus replied.

Look Down [CRACK!]
Look Down [CRACK!]
They've all forgotten you

One of the slave driver souls above, a huge bulk of a man, twisted the whip in hand hatefully

When I get free
You won't see me
Here! But! Dust!

Look Down [CRACK!]
Look Down [CRACK!]
Don't look 'em in the eye

The last was a birdman, in tattered priest robes.

How Long
O Lord?
Before you let me die?

Adam could no longer stomach the sight, and proceeded to continue his trek to the hotel.

Look Down [CRACK!]
Look Down [CRACK!]
You'll always be a slave

Look Down [CRACK!]
Look Down [CRACK!]
You're standing in your grave…

After stopped at the store, and taking note of how few of the staff were at work today, and picking up the items he noted earlier, Adam finally made it to the Hotel. What he found wasn't chaos, but it was clearly coming, going by the aggravated expression on the pale woman's face, tinkering with the prosthetic arm in her lap.

"What happened Lute?"

The woman looked up, and once again he noticed the range of expressions on her face as she looked up, ranging first from surprise and other expressions before settling on frustration.

"Your new PR Manager is trying to film that commercial," she said as she slipped the arm onto her stump.

For a brief second Adam again pitied the poor sinner's bad luck to have died on the same day as Extermination Day, but brushed it off.

"Right, I asked you guys to work on that when I went to the Embassy…" he sighed, "What did he do?"

Lute scoffed.

"You mean other than ignore my input for the script? Or spend most of the runtime taking shots at the VAV? Or go beyond 'Sex Sells' and rocket straight to Sexploitation?"

Adam felt his eyebrow twitch, but sighed and handed Lute the sack of groceries. The First Man then marched up to the front doors of the hotel, took a deep breath, and shoved them open with a bang. Sure enough, the blank television screen that was the Public Relations and Hiring Manager for the Hotel was sitting in a director's chair, with a beret on his TV head, and a megaphone in his grip, and in front of the camera the lobby couch had been moved in front of the fireplace and was surrounded by spotlights, and sitting on it was Cherri Bomb, with arms crossed over her bust and her eye showing her to be only a few poorly chosen words away from blowing up.

"Listen, it's not like I'm asking you to go all out, I just need you to show enough your fans know it's you!"

"That's what my face is for you fucking prick!"

At the bar, Husk watched with three parts disinterest and one part amusement, cleaning a glass but doing nothing. Of course.

"Cherri. Vox. The fuck."

And like that the tension in the room was broken as the sinner and ex-overlord turned to see Adam and Lute at the door.

"Finally, took ya long enough to make it home 'Daddy,'" the pornstar said sarcastically.

"Don't call me that," Adam said offhandedly, more by habit than anything, "Lute tells my you guys have hit a struck a snag in the filming." It was a charitable interpretation of what she actually said, but Adam was trying to build an environment of charity, given the project's mission statement.

"Oh is that right?!" Cherri Bomb groused, pointing an accusational finger at the TV-Headed sinner behand the camera, "This Fucker wants me to whip out m' tits for the full thing!"

Adam turned his gaze to Vox, leveling all the Fatherly Disapproval of a man who had existed for all his 10,000 years of experience into it. Sadly, Vox had no shame at all. His blank screen showed no expression, but his relaxed pose and shrug of his shoulders showed all the disdain he needed to.

"What can I say Adam? Sex Sells. If you want to see this place flourish you need folks to get interested, and with the hottest piece of Ass in Hell that's not a Succubus staying here, you need to milk her for all she's worth."

"Right! Why didn't I think of that? Let me just get back from a 12 hour shift getting railed for the camera and spend another six hours doing it all over again!"

"Oh quit Bitching woman, I'm asking you to show off your money makers and shake them a bit."

"And I'm telling you that's bullshit!"

And with a growl the lights flickered, cutting off the argument as the two sinners looked back to Adam, whose golden eyes returned to normal with the lights returning.

"So. Cherri. Hypothetically. If we went with this idea of Vox's, where the tv commercial is basically softcore Not-A-Porn, how would Valentino react?"

"Uh… Well for one thing he'd be fucking pissed…" Then what Adam was driving at dawned on her, "because it would be a breach of contract! We'd get crushed by lawyers!"

Adam made a show of exaggerated shock at that.

"Oh my word, you are so right Cherri Bomb! That would destroy us!" and like that the sarcasm went away and Adam leveled a stern expression to the TV Demon, "Vox, I told you that the only reason I agreed to go along with your idea of a TV AD campaign – as opposed to the way cheaper radio ads – was because you promised you could leverage your connections to maximize coverage. Also, Lute tells me you took her script and threw it in the trash?"

The TV Demon scoffed and stood up, walking over to the bar to help himself to a beer – To Husker's clear irritation.

"Please, don't make me laugh. That wasn't a script, it was a farce – and not a good one. No, someone with actual talent and a knowledge of how the advertisement game is played needs to put together a script that will work."

"Uh-huh, well there are more dramatic ways of submitting your resignation I'll give you that."

"Yeah I am pretty… Wait uh?"

Adam smirked at the ex-overlord's confusion, while to the side Cherri and Husk looked on with more blatant schadenfreude, the former enjoying a snack from the pretzel bowl.

"Well, I know you hate that Alastor took your spot, and that there's no love lost between you two, and the other two members of VAV, so I understand why you would want to get the Hotel's advertisement campaign coverage out from under their influence. But between trying to get us in legal troubles and planning to blow our advertising budget for the year on one commercial, its pretty clear you don't want to make a commercial at all."

"Now hold on-!" Vox tried to interject, his normally blank dead screen flickering with a flash of glitching, flashing blue, and a hint of a rotting face.

"And for the script not being something you say will work? Sounds like a skill issue. Suck's to suck bro, I guess we're going back to the radio campa-"

"Woah woah woah!" Vox said, suddenly very much the very image of servile, "l-let's not get hasty! I-I mean, I… I suppose I can… Take another look at Lute's script…?"

Adam smiled, and patted Vox on the shoulder.

"Thank you, Vox. The Hotel is all about new beginnings, and finding the good in each soul. And that counts for you too. Be a real shame if we're successful in redemption, and you get stuck here because of how you helped us succeed."

The TV Demon grumbled, but pulled out Lute's script from the trash and sat on the couch to read it over again. Cherri Bomb laughed and went up to her room, while Adam and Husk shared a smug smirk at Vox's expense. Crisis averted; Adam walked to the kitchen where Lute had been putting away the groceries he bought.

"Agh! Fuck!"

Correction. Lute had been trying to put away the grocerys. And now her fourth-hand prosthetic had jammed again, while in the middle of opening or closing the cabinet door. And now the hand had dug into the wood of the door and she was stuck, tugging fruitlessly against the hand that suddenly decided it needed to make a deathgrip. The poor woman pulled harder and harder, and Adam was about to help when… Well, either the hand forced through a full power grip, or the wood just gave way, or both, and Lute fell back in surprise. Adam rushed over and caught her, his arms around the smaller sinner's waist.

"You okay?"

Lute didn't answer with words, just with a wordless hum of affirmative. Adam couldn't see her face, but she tended to get a blush whenever this sort of thing happened. The First Man smirked and squeezed her tighter, eliciting a panicked squeak from the sinner woman.

"If you wanted me to hold you, you need only ask."

To his amusement the poor lost human soul jumped out of his hold and, face red like an apple's, and let out a stream of words that were rather inarticulate, trying to tell him she didn't want what he implied, but also that she didn't think him repulsive, nor that it was an invitation. It was cute, though the picture was ruined by her prosthetic arm being stuck in position. Taking pity on Lute, Adam gently took the prosthetic in hand and guided Lute to the table. He pulled out the screwdriver from his pocket and pried off the covering of the mechanism in the forearm and started unjamming the clockwork mechanisms, cleaning more of the gunk that had worked itself out from deeper in the machinery, and applied fresh lubricant. The pair moved into comfortable silence as Adam worked, first relaxing the hand, loosening the wrist, and then restoring movement to the elbow. Finally, Lute broached the elephant in the room.

"How did you meeting go? I admit I was surprised you could send a message to get them to give you the time of day."

"Eh, God's invite upstairs is still good, since I was here before the Resurrection. So some poor receptionist is waiting for me to call for a pickup. Helps get me the option to arrange an audience without relying on Hell's bureaucracy. As for the meeting… Well, the Head Exorcist, Vajie or Vaggie or whatever," under the table Lute's remaining natural hand clenched, "wasn't all that enthusiastic. She was more than willing to let the Head Prosecutor speak for her. And isn't that insane. Get this, Lucifer and Lilith reproduced, and not only is that brat somehow allowed into Heaven, but she has Lucifer's first job as The Accuser."

Unseen by Adam, being focused on his work, Lute's expression became one of panic, guilt, and distress.

"That's… Really weird…" she managed to get out.

"I know right! I mean, with some thought I guess since she's not one of my descendants, I guess it works? But still its…" Adam sighed, "It's also not the important thing."

"Heaven isn't going to back our hotel? God has truly abandoned us…"

Adam paused and looked into Lute's eyes, seeing the depression there, and sighed.

"It was always a long shot. However, I don't think they bothered to tell Him in the first place. The buck seemed to go no further than the Morningstar brat. But it gets worse… Extermination Day is going to be twice a year now. Next E-Day is in six months."

Lute gasped, shock clear on her face.

"They-! They can't do that! The Annual Extermination is more than enough for population control-! Or, so I understand. God can't have signed off on it, He hates it enough as is, he would never…!"

Adam looked to Lute, confusion clear on his face. Horror plastered all over hers.

"What do you mean by…?"

"So, Heaven isn't willing to play ball, eh? Or Middle Management is being obstructionist at least."

At the Kitchen door, Vox was leaning against the doorframe, Lute's script and a pen in hand. His TV Screen face was, as always, black, dead, but his body language oozed a smug smarm.

"Sounds to me like you need to try the other end. See if Hell can help you with showing these background characters the door, forcing the issue."

Adam looked from Vox to Lute – who suddenly seemed unable to meet his gaze again – and back to Vox.

"And how do you expect to pull that off?"

The TV Demon buffed his nails on his white shirt.

"Oh, I have a few strings left to pull. A few favors left in the rolodex. Before Vel and Val raw fucked my ass to get Al on the team, I managed to make friends right at the top… Someone you know well, almost Biblically."

'He can not mean…!'

"Someone like… Lilith?"

"ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT!"

Adam and Vox looked to Lute in mutual expressions of shock at the sinner woman's expression of utter rage. A sort of anger that transcended mere rage and entered the Halls of RAEG.

"…"

"What was that yellin' about bro?"

Aaaannnnnnd now Cherri was in the conversation. And going by the laughter coming from the lobby, Husk heard it all. Great.

"Oh nothing," Vox said nonchalantly, "I just mentioned Adam may need to go crawling back to his first wife for help with the Hotel, nothing big."

"First Wife..? Oh, Lilith!" Cheri said with a laugh, "wasn't she the one you divorced because she wanted to Top? HA! What, you got something against watching the tits bounce Adam?"

The First Man growled, and gold smoke puffed out of his mouth.

"Of-fucking-course that's the interpretation that went down the centuries. If you must know," Adam replied with contained vitriol, "the last time Lilith and I talked in Eden, she was screaming at me about being a bad husband because I wouldn't let her shove a banana up my ass!"

"…"

Husk's laughter once again echoed from the lobby, and unnoticed by the rest there, Lute pulled out a little black notebook and pen and made a quick note to her list of-

"And fuck you, I don't do butt stuff. You know why? Because I KNOW WHAT COMES OUT OF THERE!"

Cherri Bomb, to her credit, looked absolutely guilty, covering her mouth and moving her eye left and right.

"…You know what? Personal experience talking? Fair. …Um. I should, go? Yeah, Valentino's got my fully booked for tomorrow sooooo…. G'night!"

The room grew quiet as the one actual guest at the hotel ran off. Finally, Vox coughed to get the conversation back on the rails.

"Yeah, dealing with Ex's will never be fun. Especially when the Ex is super successful and wealthy and you-"

"Watch it."

"…Aren't. However. She does hold the title of Queen of Hell, with all the soft power and hard authority that comes with it. Such as having Lucifer's ear. If you can find a way to convince her that this utter shitshow is worthwhile, she will be able to find a way to help, perhaps even get her husband to help."

"Yeah," Lute said, dripping with sarcasm, "because having The Original Sinner get his grubby little mitts in this plan to get rid of his subjects is a grand idea."

If Vox was perturbed, there was no way to tell, not even his body language suggested anything. The only thing the TV Demon did was pull out an old flip phone, and offered it to Adam.

A specific phone number was on it.

"And yes, when you offered to Angels, you were turned down. No, 'turned down' implies a polite 'no' and a handshake. You got an announcement of increased exterminations out of it. So. You can either man up and ask help from the Ex, or sit down and watch your children die…"

Adam stared at the device, gears visibly turning behind his eyes as he went over the options. Lute put a comforting hand on his shoulder, her face showing her doubts, but she nodded nonetheless. With clear reluctance, Adam reached for the phone, only to be interrupted by the sound of some sort of abomination crawling through the vents, and then the vent grate fell open, showing the cyclops face of their smallest member of staff, her pupil the size of a pinprick and giggling in an unnerving fashion. And the large mouse – no, scratch that, that was a juvenile rat – sitting dead in her teeth didn't help.

"…Nifty?" Lute asked, "What are you doing in there?"

The deranged little gremlin was silent for an uncomfortable amount of time, then giggled manically.

"Eh-hehehehehehehe!! Tic-Tok Mrs. Frisby! Timmy's dead, how long before your other children are found?"

And with further manic giggling the little…. Thing scrambled back into the vents. This left the other sinners in the room to (presumably in Vox' case) to stare at the vent with nervous expressions. After a pregnant pause Adam swiped the phone from Vox' hand.

"Right let's just ignore that."

------​

In a dimly lit room, a telephone rang, and a dainty hand answered.

"Hello, yes… Adam? Adam! What a delight. …Yes, yes it has been some time. September 1939 I believe, I was representing the Royal House at the Ball you and the other Overlords threw in celebration of the start of a new war. …Oh I see, a new project? …Ah, redeeming souls? Adam I- Oh I see… Help you with redemption… Adam you do understand how awkward a position this would put Lucifer in if he were to play along with this farce. …Need me? Well… Well I suppose I can visit… I need to check my schedule, but I think I can visit… The day after tomorrow? Wonderful. Ta-Ta!"

The Dainty hand put the phone back in its cradle, and the dark room was silent as a tomb for a long time…

"WOO-HOO! ~My Ex Wants me BAA~AAACK! Take THAT depression!"

 

[RandomDwarf]

Oh boy…this is going to be wacky.