A proper American Vernon ((HP))

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A man who moved to Britain to marry the women of his dreams, now has to deal with the task of raising two son, dealing with a grieving wife, and trying to recall. . .

Why did magic keep invoking Deja Vu?
1
Vernon sat there smiling as he looked at the American flag that hung in the backyard. The newly installed flag waving in the air as he stood over the sink, "Oh Hun! look at that!"


"Oh Vernon, what will the neighbors say of it! I know, you love that flag and all that but shouldn't you leave it behind by now," Vernon just huffed, shaking his head as he washed the dishes. His frown was clear and evident as wiped the sauce from a dish.


He muttered, "Oh damn be the neighbors. I moved here for you. Besides! You remember the deal we made I get my flag and you get what?"


There was an amused smile as Petunia who stood there holding the small and frail form of baby Vernon as she huffed, "I better get that Silver Birch for the Backyard Vernon of I'll dig up that flag pole myself."


"Okay, okay calm down Hun. Its ashame I have that abomination of a flag flying underneath it," Vernon's tone dances with amusement as he takes the last of the leftovers and puts them in the fridge. The Fat man moving from the kitchen and into the living room with a fresh bottle.


Setting it besides Petunia he would settle into his seat. Ignoring the heated glare from his wife as he sat down, "Vernon I swear one more insult to that flag and I will personally tell the police what you keep in the Attic."


Vernon begins coughing on spit his face going red for a few seconds. Petunia sitting there smugly as she burped Dudley, "Its that threat that let you name my son Dudley and I swear one day I will bury them in the backyard."


Petunia prepared to say something a smile plastered across her face before being interrupted by Dudley spitting up onto the burp rag. Vernon nodded, "That's what we say to Womanly Nonsense son-"


Vernon swiftly dodged the crumpled up paper towel with all the speed of a Fat man. He begins laughing as he turns the TV channel. The both going silent as they relax and sit there. Vernon, tired from a day of work and Petunia exhausted from taking care of the baby, "Hun, tell me when will you have your sister over again? This Sunday right?"


Petunia instantly frowns as she huffs, "Listen, I know you want us to reconnect but there's something you must know."


Vernon paused and muttered, "She didn't marry a Vietnamese guy did she?" His words deathly serious as he takes a bigger sip of the drink that sat by his seat.


Petunia paused shaking her head and muttering, "No no its something far- different."


"Oh please, it can't be anything to freaky. She's not being abused or anything is she? That James lad seems mild tempered from how you describe him but If I must I'll break the fu- I mean the Mans legs," He averts swearing narrowly. Pursuing his lips as he meets Petunia harsh glaze.


"No, no nothing of the sort. Its just that-" She paused as the door knocked. Vernon paused standing up and striding to the door. Peering through the lense before going tense.


"Jesus Christ its a baby," He says opening the door revealing the sound of a faintly crying baby. Vernon reaches down lifting the basket up and pausing at the sealed note ontop of the basket.


He held the basket firmly as he looked around. Eyes scanning the shadows for anyone before settling on one point. Narrowing as he shouts, "I see you there!"


Something in the shadows move before vanishing. Vernon quickly heads inside sitting the crying baby and the letter near Petunia as he went upstairs, "Petunia watch the babies Im going to get my gun and call the police incase this is a trick."


"Vernon calm down who would use the baby to trick someone- Its my Nephew," Petunia numbly says the last part staring at the child. Vernon goes tense already down the stairs with a gun in hand.


Vernon stood there for a few seconds silent as he glanced to the doorway. Still tense as Petunia sat Dudley down. His gaze lingering on the door and his knuckles white from how tight he clutched the gun.


Petunia quickly grabs the letter fumbling to open it. Vernon walking over and peering over her shoulder for a few seconds reading the letter. He scoffed, "Its- Jesus Petunia Magic? What drugs were they. . ."


Then Vernon shut up as he looked over to his wife. His eyes widening as he put down the gun and gently held her holding her up Petunia is dead silent and deathly pale. Nearly collapsing into Vernon's grip as she whispered, "I-Its not a lie. . . My sisters dead."


Vernon felt many questions swirling through his head but remained silent at the certainty in his wife's tone. Reaching forward and holding her softly as he just stood there.


Petunia ignores the pained look on Vernon's face as she clutched him tightly. He winced and simply pulled her in closer, patting her gently as he muttered, "Hun sit down upstairs. Ill take care of the kids and we can sort this out tomorrow. Magics a freakish idea just calm down."


"No- No. . . I-Ill get the Wizards to come by this weekend just. . . My sisters dead," She repeats to herself as Vernon lets go of his wife. Reaching for the baby in the basket and feeding him the spare bottle he had prepared for Dudley.


Vernon stares at the baby softly giving it a smile, "Magic eh? Seems Aunty Petunia's lost it. Might explain that scar. . ."


Vernon then groaned out as he came to a single realization not bothering to hide his language as Petunia went upstairs "Dammit. . . Im not gonna be able to name my second child a properly American name. Seems Petunias finally gonna get me to shutup about that."


Vernon jokes to himself as he kept feeding the baby silenty pondering for a few seconds, "Magic… magic- why does that sound so familiar? Didn't some man in those robes- No no that was a dream."
 
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Hopping more that Vernon was hit with whatever mind wipe magic police use at one point in his life and not him being a SI, isekai or any other kind of reincarnation
Or he was an SI and got mind wiped to forget magic and both parties had no idea that the spell took out more memories than whatever event that made them cross paths in the first place.
 
2
Age 4


Harry paused peeking out of the cabinet beneath the stairs. Slowly looking both ways his ears listened for anything. His breath hitched as the door creaked his head looking around before his gaze settled on the kitchen.


Vernon sat at the table sipping on his orange juice while he read the paper. Petunia washed the dishes, cleaning up the remains of breakfast. Dudley sat in his chair with his own cup of Orange Juice and scribbled paper he was pretending to read. The sound of running facet drowning out the creaking of the lot beneath the stairs.


Finally Harry frowns and shouts, "Dudley! You were supposed to be looking for me!"


Dudley paused looking up from his scribbled paper realization hitting his face as he goes, "Oh. I forgot."


Vernon hides his amusement as he takes another sip. Petunia smiled softly as Harry huffed and crossed his arms, "I was waiting for five minutes in that smelly closet! You're forgetful! And! And! Fat!"


As Harry finished speaking the air smelt of freshly fallen rain as the carpet beneath him shifted. Turning green to a bright red, puke green and bright yellow with a faint pop.


Without thinking Vernon dived down with a heavy thud startling everyone else. Every muscle in his fat body tense as his hand reached for his hip before pausing, "What the Hell" He mutters glancing down at the empty spot on his hip.


"Oh Harry! What wrong! Oh. . . That was my favorite carpet. What's gotten into you Vernon," Petunia jumped during all the chaos. Dropping the plate in hand, and shattering it across the floor.


She spoke with her hand over her chest. Surprise and shock in her eyes as she shifted between Vernon who slowly rose confusion inked across his own face.


Grabbing the broom he still seems confused, a deep sense of deja vu itching at his skull, "I dunno what just happened Hun. I'm sorry for scaring you. Just an old reflex from the military I suppose. . . No clue where all that came from."


His gaze focused on a confused, worried and startled Harry who glanced down at the floor, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!"


"Its fine Harry dear. You just have to be careful and the next time you call someone fat or insult them Ill wash out your mouth. Understand" Harry nods at Petunia's worfs while Vernon sweeps up the shattered shards of ceramic. Waiting for most of it to be cleared before moving to pick up Dudley.


Huffing in strain she carried the bare footed child out of the kitchen and sits him down near Harry who's shly staring at the hideous carpet, "Harry you messed up again! Ha!"


Petunia ignores Dudley's words as Harry remains utterly silent. Petunia, just grabbing a small book which she opens and begins reading, "Vernon! It says here the Bright Yellow, Red and green means high chance of more accidents. I'm going to call in sick for Harry today."


Vernon nodded coming out of the kitchen with a soft huff, "It seems you'll be staying home. Call that lady across the street and see if she can tutor Harry today. Some more bible reading and math practice is always good."


Petunia nodded glancing to both the boys, "Shoo! Go upstairs and finish preparing for the day while Vernon takes care of my poor beloved carpet." The boys begin rushing upstairs as Vernon shakes his head amused crouching down and rolling up the carpet.


He hears the faint frustrated noises of his wife; her sharp gaze remains on her once beloved carpet. The book, titled "Accidental Magic and its warning signs" was slammed shut as Vernon chuckled, "Oh hun it'll be fine. You at least reacted far better this time."


"You nearly threw yourself off the roof when Harry made the American flag you keep in the living room all red," Vernon's features darken as he began grumbling at that.


Vernon glanced at her hauling the carpet over his shoulder and making his way to the backyard shouting, "I love you woman but never underestimate the importance of that flag! Without that flag the entire world would be under Nazi and Jap rule!"


Petunia just walks over to the door smiling devilishly as she locks the backdoor. Vernon, finished throwing the Rug into the backyard as he heads to the backdoor. Grabbing the door handle, and shaking it.


The door refused to open as he glanced to the kitchen window, "Hun? Hun!" He shouts knocking on the door.


Petunia just smiles and jokes, "Don't worry you've got the American flag of yours back there. Its everything you need."


Vernon pauses turning red in the face and huffing as his wife began heading upstairs. Vernon glanced to the shed where he kept the explosives stashed in the bunker beneath the house. He dismissed the idea of messing with her as the door clicks and opens.


Glancing down he spots Harry and Dudley standing at the door. Both grinning as Vernon smiled, "Oh good work boys! Now go upstairs and harass that Dictator I call a wife."


Harry paused glancing at the stairs before furiously shaking his head, "Im sorry Uncle but she'll kill me if I mess up again today!"


"Harry my boy, Im raising you. Do you know what that means? It means your an American boy despite living in this watered down country. You're American Harry no matter what your aunt says! And Americans are full of courage! So go harass your aunt for me," Harry and Dudley nod at that and prepare to run upstairs.


Only for the shrill voice of Petunia to stop them all dead in there tracks, "I hear you down there Vernon and I swear if you keep telling the boys that American nonsense your sleeping on the couch!"


"Also remember boys Americans are the most genius. Its why we made the Nukes- and when not to get into a fight we can't win. . . Alright, Dudley get your backpack and lets head off before that communist upstairs infects us," Dudley giggled as Harry gave his Uncle and Cousin one last smile as they began walking to the door.
 
3
Harry paused as he looked around trying to spot his Uncle's car as he walked with Dudley who softly sang a song he had learned from his uncle, "Brought to you courtesy of the red white and blue. Justice will be served and the battle will rage-"


Dudley's words went ignored by the other students as Harry walked alongside him. Both of the them walking down the pathway admist all the busy cars before Harry paused spotting something rather particular.


A man, in robes standing there silently. His gaze fixed on Harry unblinkingly. A faint bit of fear runs down his spine as he glanced at Dudley and muttered, "Whys everyone ignoring that weird man wearing robes?"


Dudley pauses his gaze moving around. Unable to see what Harry was talking about before shrugging, "Where? Is it one of those Ku Klux Klan fellows Dad told us about? I thought he already gave them all wedgies before beating them with the flag"


Harry shakes his head comparing the Man he saw to the bed time stories his uncle told them, "No this man's robes are black and he looks weird. To British."


His words mimicked his Uncle's. The weird man began walking towards him silent as a ghost, and unnoticed by everyone but him. A bad feeling begins to brew inside of Harry as Dudley ignores him and begins walking ahead.


Harry calls out for Dudley but the fat boy keeps walking. The strange man stops in front of Harry and smiles, "It's such a wonderful thing that you can see me! Im a special man Harry Potter and you are a very special boy you know!"


A sense of unease begins to grow as a cold wave of something washed over Harry. He gulped and shouted, "I don't know you!"


But not a single person turned there head or batted an eye. All of them, appearing to not even notice his shout as the robed man grins and reaches forward creepily brushing his hand across Harry's head.


Harry shudders and takes a step back, "I. . . " He couldn't get anything else out of his mouth as the Robed man grabbed him by the shoulders. Holding, the young and now terrified boy in place.


"Oh don't you worry dear Harry. I'm going to take you to see your real parents you know? Their in such a lovely place but its a shame a very bad man kidnapped them for so long," Harry's struggles die down confusions entering his eye at the familiarity this man displayed.


He gulped swallowing down his fear and trying to be brave, "You mean- I thought my parents died in a Car Crash."


"No, no no. You were told that to protect you. Now come with me peacefully and I can reunite you with your family," Harry's gaze remains fixed on the weird mans eye. Giving him a soft nod, some strange compulsion to listen to the man outweighing his fear.


As the man reached a hand around Harry's shoulder, a massive meaty fist slammed into his face. Harry suddenly snapped out of the strange desire to listen to the man as he turned to his savior.


His Uncle stood there red faced, fat and already stuttering half formed curse words, "The fuck did you say to my Nephew you fucking weirdo! Listen here you Spaz I don't care if these people see Im going to beat you to near death you- you- Nonce!!"


"Shut up- You broke my nose," The robed man shouts cradling his now bloodied nose as he kneeled on the ground. Harry notes no one saying anything about his Uncle's use of a British word, nor taking note of the scene going on just feet away from them.


The Robed man reaches into his rodes rapidly and aims a stick at Vernon shouting, "Avad-"


Before the man could finish Vernon kicked him in the teeth, and yanked the Wand out of his hand. Snapping it over his leg as he shouts, "Did you just try to stab me! With this? You must be on something!"


Finally people begin taking noticed of the groaning robed man as Vernon looks at them and shouts, "This madman just tried kidnapping my Nephew! I know, for sure that shit ain't tolerated in America or Britian!"


Vernon, being a well known figure in the local community is taken at his word. One of the mothers gasping as one of the other Fathers picking up their sons that day walks over and shouts, "You serious Vernon?"


"Hell yes I am! You know I've got a good temper on me despite how loud I am. But this man's an attempted child kidnapper," The Man just nodded at Vernon's words before delivering a swift kick to the strangers face.


The stranger groans, spitting out a few teeth as another man shouts, "Boy go across the street and get on the phone! Call the Police while we show this man some sense."


Vernon reached down lifting the man up in a dead lift. Holding him above his head, before tossing the man back first onto the concrete punting him across the ground.


He spits on the Robed man before glancing to Harry, "Go to the office with Dudley and call your Aunty. We'll be getting home extra late. Please don't tell her I swore so much." Harry just nodded, waiting for Dudley to catch up before doing as he was told.


Vernon squinted down at the ground. Looking at the strange broken stick on the floor a sense of familiarity rising as he looked. Crouching down he picks it up as one of the men says, "Thats what he tried to stab ya with?"


"Yep. War Trophy now I suppose," He jokes softly. For some strange reason he cannot name, he pockets the broken wand.


The whimpering man raised his hands and screamed, "Y-You dirty muggles! Cut this out!"


"Shut your Mouth! I remember now you were harasshing that boy Harry weren't you'" One of the men shouts as the parking lot slowly empties. A few of the noiser women sticking around to watch the polices arrival.
 
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This Vernon was already better than canon, now he's more badass than most the canon characters. He just ignored a notice-me-not spell and punched a Death Eater in the face.
 
Is that guy new or something? You'd think most Death Eaters or thier supporters would know not to go anywhere near Harry, in fear of Dumbledore's, retaliation, not to mention what Lucius would do, and that's not even considering this version of Vernon on who seems to be the living embodiment of the American Stereotype!

That said, I wonder what Aunt Marge will be like here. Will she be even more stereotypically American then Vernon, or will she be the same in Canon? Vernon turning out to be a 2nd Gen American Immigrant would be something...
 
4
AN: WHOSE READY FOR THE HARRY CHAPTERS AFTER THIS! Diagon alley sure isn't, nor are they ready for Vernon to sell them Opimium like a true American. You'll also have to be content with this last "treat" before we focus on Harry.

"So what your telling me is that we'll be sending the boy to a magical school soon tuition-free? Sounds good, but why not an American magic school, I've already let you send Dudely to that Godforsaken British private school! I got an earful from my sister because of that Woman," Vernon rants kicking away one of the GI Joe toys by his chair.

Petunia's face turned sour for a few seconds. A small edge entered her voice, "I understand Vernon but we don't know the first thing about American Wizards. At least here Harry's going to a supposedly renowned school for free. That Dumbledore fellow also said it was required for him to get access to his Inheritance."

"Look, let's use that Gold I got from Argentina all those years ago and hire a wizard or something to explain things to us. Maybe this Warthog isn't a renowned school after all I have to send fifty different letters to that old man just to get a single response," Petunia just went silent, her anger brewing and festering clearly.

"He has to go to Hogwarts. That is the end of the discussion and we will not reopen it, Vernon," Vernon began turning slightly red for a few seconds. He just took in a deep breath and leaned back. He knew Petunia's mixed feelings towards her sister made this a difficult subject for her.

He still whispers beneath his breath, "Let's see how they react to me giving Harry a goddamn gun. Inherit that."

Petunia threw another glare at the disgruntled and muttering Vernon. Neither talk for a few moments as they sit in the empty house. The boys were both gone and dropped off at sports.

Dudley had been placed into boxing classes which would help cut down some of his weight, and Harry had been enlisted into a cyclist group. Finally, Vernon breaks the silence, "You know I'd suspect Harry's parents were professional bike riders you know? The boy is a demon on wheels I tell you!"

Petunia shakes her head a soft glimmer of fondness entering her eye as she watched the TV, "I may have had my issues with my Lily. But, both she and her husband was fond of bicycles and something called the- Broom was it?"

Vernon's silence ended only with a small giggle. A giggle that grew into almost mad laughter as Vernon wheezes, "Oh my god Petunia I'm gonna make the boy fly around on a broomstick and it's gonna be hilarious."

"Vernon, I can already tell what you're planning. Stop it this instant," Her mood rose at her husband's giggling. Her frown died away as Vernon's laughter filled the room.

"Think about it! I can use his magic to make an extra-strong flag or something and fly it on his Broom," Petunia finally chuckled at Vernon. Her attention turned away from the TV as she reached into the snack bowl sitting between them.

Grabbing one of the snacks she tosses it at Vernon's head, "We will not be abusing Harry's magic when he gets older. It's not natural and I'm certain God doesn't want us using it!"

Vernon paused for a second at that. Remaining silent before shaking his head, "I'm converting to Judaism. I must have an American flag be inexplicably flown over Britain."

"Vernon you will not be- Vernon," Petunia's amusement quickly switched to worry as she saw Vernon wince and grab his temples. A faint throbbing silenced him as he groaned.

"Magic. . . Magic," He begins muttering to himself. He winces again gripping his head tighter. Petunia quickly darts up and heads over to him as he clutches his head tighter than before.

"Vernon! What's wrong," Finally Vernon went stiff and silent. His mad mutters died down as he pulled his hands away from his head. His gaze fixated on the roof something sharp and unrecognizable in his eye. A glimmer of a memory.

He stood grabbing the broken stick he took from the weird man that had harassed harry. A piece of wood that now sat above the fireplace. Waiting for the coldest winter to be tossed into the blazing fire as nothing more than a kindle. Vernon stared at it repeating himself, "Magic- I. . .Magic. In the attic."

His face shifted something flickering in his eye. Petunia gasped as he broke out into a sprint his fat massive form running up the stairs and rapidly opening the attic with a bang. Like a maniac, he rushes up the stairs face red and his breaths labored as he begins throwing boxes aside frantically, "Magic!"

His words echoed through the attic and into the house. Petunia looked up the ladder stairs with fear and concern all over her face as he threw aside another box. A harsh shatter from its impact. The sound rang through the house as Vernon pulled out one last box tucked into the deepest and darkest corner of the room.

He yanks it from its spot. Layers of dust caked on top of it as he carefully began ripping it open before going tense and standing up. His body relaxes as he mutters, "By god Petuina I almost forgot! I've got to go clean up my old suits for a meeting tomorrow."
Petunia was almost knocked aside as Vernon headed downstairs like nothing was wrong.

Her face turn into a mixture of uncertainty, panic, and disbelief as she turned her attention to the box. It was a rather large-sized box but she couldn't see why that had triggered Vernon's strange behavior. Her mind wonders if this was a byproduct of Harry's magic recalling a few chapters that mentioned accidental magic causing similar incidents. It was the only explanation and excuse that was keeping her from calling the police.

Carefully, she crouches down avoiding much of the dust as possible as she picks at the tape sealing the box. Gulping nervously as she was able to finally pry it off and open the box. Her breath hitches as she eyes a familiar sight. She recognized them from her childhood, and something Lily had always shown off to their parents.

Her breath hitched as she would eye the sixty or so broken wands sitting on just the surface. As she began to dig into the box she only grew paler and paler that there was even more.
 
Calling it, Vernon is a squib who was kicked out and obliviated by magical family side of some american magic purist KKK rejects
 
Calling it, Vernon is a squib who was kicked out and obliviated by magical family side of some american magic purist KKK rejects


Nah, Vernon is either a Wizard who has been obliviated and compulsioned, a wizard who had his magic "bound" as a child, only the obliviation and binding keep failing, a muggle who keeps defeating death eaters only to be obliviated and compulsioned, a squib as you stated, or he is a SI/Reincarnator/transmigrator who has been obliviated/compulsioned.
 
Sixty broken wands? American Vernon has beaten sixty magic users, kicked their teeth in, and stole their wands?
Sixty wands was what she counted on the surface. This is ignoring the rest of a box that roughtly reached the top of her shins/bottom of her knee.

Calling it, Vernon is a squib who was kicked out and obliviated by magical family side of some american magic purist KKK rejects
If you want we can Boombox the Union song while running over Death Eaters in a truck if that satisfies you. But, no that is not the background or near jt.
 
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