The Old One have returned and the galaxy trembles before them. Fear them for they have come for the day of reckoning. All shall know of their name, all shall bow before... Kermit
A Frog's Blessing in this Wonderful Galaxy [WH40K Kermit Old One OC-Insert]
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Prologue
- Location
- A Tropical Island in the Pacific
Making a Splash!
It was a wonderful summer day. The sun was shining, the sky was almost clear with just a few large lazy clouds floating by, and the wind was blowing ever so gently; caressing his pasty white skin. Breathing in the scent of the ocean before him and feeling the coarse white sands beneath his feet, he finally felt the tension on his shoulders melt away as he soaked in and savored the scene.
It'd been ages since he had left his office job, locked away in some cubicle, working away typing reports for something or other. He had long since forgotten what they even made at this point as the words and numbers melted into one unintelligible blob. It was just him, the computer, and his coworkers suffering equally with him. The pay was good, yes, but it was soul draining. It was dull, painfully boring, and made him wish he hadn't landed it in the first place. It was simply too cushy of a job to leave, but he often wished that something exciting would happen in his life.
As he stood there, surrounded by all the vibrant colors and the sound of people's laughter while they enjoyed the summer days, he knew that cashing in on his long overdue vacation was the right choice. He had almost forgotten the heat of the sun against his skin, the bright blue color of the sea and the wonderful salty scent of the ocean breeze but as he stood there, he felt his spirits soar.
"Today is going to be a good day," He told himself as he took a step only to pause as he felt his phone buzz. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the brick like phone inside its waterproof case and saw his email notification. It was his boss asking him if he was not busy.
He was about to open it and type out a reply only to pause as he realized what he was about to do. Taking in a deep breath before letting it out slowly, hesitation but ultimately closing his phone and turning it off for good measure.
"Harley and Quinn Incorporated can wait," He told himself as stared at the waters ahead, the waves smaller in this spot than across the other stretch of the beach. He could feel it calling out to him, asking him to take a dip in the crystal clear waters. How could he say no to such an invitation as he felt a smile stretch across his face, "Now, I relax!"
With a burst of speed, he sprinted forward, pushing his gangly frame ahead as he dove into the water ahead. He slipped beneath the waves, feeling a rush of adrenaline in his veins as his body slowly remembered how to swim. With a whoop of joy, he broke out of the water's surface and swam, shaking his head to get the water out of his eyes and hair.
Giddy with excitement, he swam to his heart's content, enjoying this new found freedom he gained. This was what he was missing for all these years, something to shake up the routine that had come to dominate his life. For the first time in what felt like forever, he felt happy and he wouldn't trade the world for it.
He darted through the warm tropical waters even as he felt his lungs burn and his limbs ache. He headed straight for the deeper seas, heading towards the coral reefs in the farthest parts of the bay. He simply could not help himself now that he had been reunited with the sea, though he might have been a bit too enthusiastic about it.
In his haste to get back to the water, he had forgotten the one rule that swimmers, or anyone actively exercising, should abide by; limber up or face the consequence. He would soon curse himself as he felt his muscle twist with pain spreading up to his thighs and ass, "Oh fuck,"
His rotten luck had him cramping up just after he dove down deep and now, he was one leg short to paddle up. Desperately he tried to get up, wincing as he moved his legs while pushing with his arm but he could not rise fast enough. What's worse was that he noticed he hadn't moved at all with the light dimming even as he swam harder and pushed his body to the limit.
Still, it would not be enough as he realized he was getting dragged into the watery depths. As he looked down, he saw just why. The sandy grooved path that stretched all the way down to abrupt change in depth, the water churning as he got ever deeper, the abyss staring back at him as it reeled him ever deeper.
"Riptide," He thought out and that singular thought made his heart seize in fear. He had been caught in the grasp of the terrible current which could overpower even the most seasoned of swimmers. Panicking, he tried to fight it off, swimming harder despite the pain of his cramped up limbs, but it had been ages since he actually last swam.
The currents pull was inescapable, the water rushing around him as his feet slipped against the sandy bottom and hung over the void. He felt his last hopes slip by his toes as he was suddenly pulled down, dragged into the depths of the sea. So fast did he sink that he felt his chest caving in, forcing out what little air was left out. He let out a scream as he was tossed about in the currents, the darkness all encompassing as his consciousness started to fade.
The weight upon his body was immense, ever mounting as he descended deeper with the light of the sun rapidly fading away into the inky abyss. Water filled his lungs as he let out a strangled gasp, his lungs seeking out precious air when there was none. He could feel his body stretching and bending, his head feeling like it was about to explode until, suddenly, he found release.
Breaking through the water, he coughed, the water forced out of his lungs as he started falling instead, his voice echoing in the portal he found himself in. He screamed, his eyes beholding terrors he could not describe as he slipped through space between space, his body forced into ever more eldritch shapes, warped and broken in so many countless ways that he wished to go back to the cold embrace of the ocean instead, just so he could escape this madness.
It almost felt like an eternity and a second at the same time, his mind stretched and squeezed, contradictions becoming facts as reality broke down before he passed through and out into a starry void, where he came face to face with a gaping, swirling maw of darkness: a black hole. He screamed and screamed, shielding his eyes as he approached the darkness only for it to never come.
He paused, his heart hammering away inside his chest while blood rushed through his ears, as he tried to assess his situation. Slowly, he took a peek only for the spinning sphere of perfect darkness to remain.
He felt his heart leap up to his throat as he flinched but, as the seconds passed by, he had to open his eyes. Forcing them open, he'd realized that he stopped falling and hovered over the sphere. Only now did notice how close it was, so close that he could touch it, and so small that it would be more akin to a large old fashioned globe one would find in some library, nothing like the stellar behemoths he'd watched from some documentaries about on his phone.
"H-how… am I floating?" He called out as he stretched out and noticed that he floated above this globe like he was free falling. Slowly he flailed his green limbs about, trying to swim away or just get anywhere not close to the hole of death only to touch its smooth surface. He screamed once more as he felt it stick to his hands, and he feared for the worst, but it felt more like his limbs were attached to magnets, powerful ones, but nothing so crazy as for something to tear him apart and spaghettify him in the process.
"Huh… not so black holely of you," He called out to the thing that he found… fuzzy. It was hard to describe and equally weird how he could pull himself up and stand on its surface; and that wasn't even touching on the matter of his green appendages.
As he stood there atop that globe, he looked down at himself and found his body and limbs transformed. Gone were the stick thin limbs he once had, replaced by even thinner limbs that felt more like twigs than anything. His body had also taken a far more simpler form with almost no definition. It was concerning, feeling himself, his hands? Paws? Gliding over smooth and slimy skin. He felt… froggy.
For a brief second he felt dread as he reached down, feeling himself up before he let out a sigh of relief. It was there but it was… inside a slit? It felt like how a tongue would be hidden inside one's mouth. He chose not to dwell on it any further, as he had far more pressing matters at hand, where the hell was he even at?
Sitting down on the black void and running his hand over its surprisingly pleasant surface, he pondered deeply. Looking out to the starry night that surrounded him, it was a far cry from the sunny beaches of the tropics. It was cold, but not too cold, and it was surprisingly well lit with a huge golden star the size of his new thumb glowing in the distance.
The smaller stars themselves almost looked like they were fireflies in a dark summer night's sky. In fact, maybe he could reach out and grab one. It was a silly thought, but he had nothing better to do as he did not know if he could get out of… wherever he was.
He was, at least, certainly safe enough if he just ignored that he may or may not have been stranded in some place where there was no food or water. It could be worse, however, like how he could have just drowned there and then. If not for that little event where he was dragged across time and space, maybe he wouldn't be around still. "I just wished I still had my pants on," He said out loud, but none would answer him back. He was now all alone, with just his thoughts as company.
With a sigh, he laid down flat on the sphere he'd landed on. It was a safe little spot, yes but it was as barren as they could get. Don't get him wrong, the view was amazing. It was as if he was floating in space atop a black hole, but that's about it. He just had his view and the stars behind him. Looking up, his thoughts wandered to those lights above once more. They were so close… maybe, just maybe he could reach them? He had nothing better to do, at any rate.
Getting up; he reached out, standing on the tips of his toes as he tried to grab a light in the dark. "Just a bit more," He groaned out as he reached out to the stars above. For a moment, they danced around his hands, flitting through his fingers until he finally caught one. It was weak and feeble, and yet it was utterly brilliant to look upon; like a gem that he could not quite touch yet was able to hold.
As he pulled it down and held it in his palm, he could feel a certain warmth in it. Dancing inside his hands, It was as if they were alive. With how crazy things had been, he wouldn't be surprised if they were. Still, he had his little fun. How it was time for him to free them.
"Go on little guy, sorry to bother you," He whispered to the object as he let it go only to find the star flying back to him, orbiting his hands lazily. It was fascinating to look at, his heart calming down as a sense of joy filled him. "Well, if you insist… though you're a little bit lonely so let me fix that!" he whispered as he looked back up to the sky.
Momentarily forgetting about his situation, he let out a giggle as he ran about his globe, grabbing and collecting as many of these stars as he could. So many did he gather that he started to glow, this vast constellation he made circling around his form and even attracting some of the far off stars he could not quite reach.
They came in a dizzying array of colors, each one unique on its own. Some were brighter, war gem like stars, while some were dimmer, like the green ones which were more like specks of dust yet they came in the thousands. Unfortunately, he was getting some weird specks as well, more like gnats and mosquitoes with this horrid sound they made. They were even trying to latch on to some of this collection.
"Get away!" he shooed them away, swatting them away, getting a satisfying tiny scream as he fought off the bigger one. "Go on! Git!" he laughed out, watching those lights scramble back into the void. There were still those that attached themselves to his ever growing collection, but a simple blow, some polishing, and rubbing against his chest had them all cleaned up, shining even.
"There, all cleaned up," He whispered as he let the star go, watching it zoom around like an energetic little comet before it returned back to its previous state. They easily tuckered out from the looks of it.
As he sat back down, satisfied that the annoying lights wouldn't come back, his attention would be called upon by the brightest red star he saw approaching him. "Oh hello," He called out as he reached out and grabbed a red gem out from the void and held it close to his chest. Unlike all the other stars, it felt like it was a shard instead of a whole, a sliver of its true self, yet it was bright enough to rival the bigger white dots that orbit him. "What happened to you?" He whispered, inspecting the little piece.
The gem sputtered, gasping like it was out of breath, before it looked up and let out the tiniest shriek of terror. "Hey! Hey! I'm not going to hurt you little one," He assured the small dot, "Awfully animated, aren't you, huh?" He noted as it tried to fly out of his grasp but all it was able to do was get off his palm for a few inches before landing back down.
"Well you're not going anywhere with that gas tank," He told the speck that kept on squeaking and bouncing about his palm and refusing to stay still. Eventually, however, it would tire out; slumping atop his palm in the most adorable of ways. "Easy there, why the rush?" He asked as he picked it up and set it atop his shoulder.
"Here, let me set you there so you can rest ok?" He told the shard who squeaked out once again. Now that it sat so close to him, he could actually feel its tone; it was tired and afraid? "Why are you afraid little one? There's nothing here but you, me, and the stars above," He asked as he motioned at the sky above which was filled with so many red stars.
Reaching out for these stars, he paused as he felt something slimy and cold. Groping about, he felt the starry sky above him shift, his palm feeling countless tendrils moving beneath it as the red dots moved and stared at him. "These aren't stars," He whispered, pulling back as the starry sky rumbled, the sound echoing in his chest as the angry buzzing echoed above and around him.
He froze, slowly backing away as the colors of the sky shifted to an iridescent kaleidoscope yet those terrible red eyes remained, revealing the shapes hidden from his view. Those countless tiny dots glared down at him, their maws salivating as they came in their multitude. This shapeless hoard made his nonexistent hair stand up as they stared off at each other, neither daring to make a move.
"ROAR!" the shapeless mass screeched out, and all of them screamed.
"Those are not stars!" He screamed, the red one screamed, and his constellations screamed as the creatures from the void lunged at them.
Grabbing his tiny companions, he leaped to the side. His heart leaping up to his throat as felt them graze his feet just before they crashed into the dark surface of his fuzzy island. He watched in horror as they started to scream, bits and pieces were torn off from the greater whole. He could see those caught in his seat clinging to the others, dragging the beast down even as it crawled towards him, not even bothered as great chunks were torn from it, for they were countless.
Not waiting for the swarm to recover and free themselves, he bolted off; running where his tiny little feet could take him. He ran across to the other end of the globe before leaping off into the void, trusting his chances there more than with duking it out with them.
He screamed as he soared across the starry sky, desperately holding onto his tiny companions, before he crashed into a soft, ground like surface. He let out a grunt as it knocked the air out of him while he laid there in the shifting "ground". Staring down, he found a cracked surface that buckled and shone under his weight, swirling and churning in an array of mesmerizing colors as it spiraled into this tiny hole at the center that was simply too big for him to fit through.
The mass shrieked out, which had him leaping in surprise. With his heart racing, he turned to find the creatures swimming through the vast distance he had left.
Turning back, he jumped up and down, screaming out in panic as the creature darted straight at him, "Come on! Let me in! Let me in-!" before the hole suddenly gave way beneath him, stretching out as he fell through.
He let out a cry of terror as he fell once more, his form plunging from the starry sky to another realm, a strange new place where nothing made sense. Tumbling across the air, he reached out for his stars, pulling them into his chest to protect them before he crashed hard down on a crystalline sand castle before rolling off into a small hedge maze.
"Mother fucker!" he screamed out, feeling the shards stung him before he stared down and found the same lights that he had swatted away, the blue screeching ones staring back at him. With a battle cry, they leapt at him and his stars, forcing him back up as he batted away at them while making a run for it, barreling straight to the maze's glass like walls, shielding his eyes as shards went flying everywhere.
"Fucking damn it all!" He cursed his rotten luck as a dog-sized calamari forced its way out of the pile that was once a castle before it let out a scream of anger.
"Sorry! I'll pay you later! Watch out for the swarm though!" he called out, warning the creature who paused before turning to where he slipped out of, the same hole which the creatures from the void were trying to force their way in.
The swarm called out and he watched the tiny calamari turn and let out a shriek of anger. As much as he wanted to help the guy, he did not want to be violated by the tentacles of the monsters after him.
He shrieked as he felt the ground beneath him rumble, making him trip and spilling his tiny stars down on the ground. Looking behind, he could see a great many lights streaking through the psychedelic landscape as the brave calamari battled the beast, latching onto it and blasting away. Taking advantage of the momentary distraction, he gathered his babies, frantically gathering as many as he could. He could have dropped them at any time, but he could not live with himself letting these precious beings fall prey to the monstrosities.
As he gathered the last few pieces, wiping them clean off the parasites that clung to them, he felt something nudging him, squeaking at him to get his attention. "A little busy here, Red! Maybe a bit later!" He replied as he pulled the last pieces of the ever shifting ground.
He then heard an annoyed shriek from the tiny guy as they slammed to his cheeks and forced him to look behind and he felt his stomach drop at the sight. "Ohhh...," he whispered as he saw the squid clamber atop the writhing mass, wrangling the creature with some form of lasso. The brave calamari had won and claimed its mount.
As their eyes met, he saw utter hatred in those beady eyes. Raising his hands appeasingly as he slowly backed away, he called out, "Now there little buddy, let's think for a second here. No need to be angry about your castle and your maze."
"I'll fix it! See!" He said appeasingly as he grabbed a shattered piece and shakily stuck it to the broken wall. Jamming it in, he smiled nervously as pointed at his shoddy work, "There, one break at a time," but his hopes would come crashing down as he heard glass cracking around him.
Turning to the sound, he saw the piece he had stuck back into place creating a spider web of cracks spread to the crystalline walls. "Shit fuck, nooo!" He shrieked out as he tried to hold the walls, hoping it wouldn't crack any further but it was far too late. As he squeezed down, the whole maze, every last inch of the twisting walls and alleys shattered and came crashing down.
He cringed as the squid's shoulder sagged as it looked around. Guilt bubbles up his chest but he did not like how the squid's color rapidly shifted from going pale white to beet red. Chuckling nervously, he told the poor creature? "I'm sure you can make a new one… right?"
The squid let out an inarticulate shriek of rage before it lashed out, pointing a tentacle at him as a bolt of light lanced out at him. He barely had any time to react as he turned around, shielding his little stars, before the light struck his side. He let out a laugh as he squirmed under the strike which was soon followed by more.
He laughed out loud as the squid kept striking him, seemingly intent on tickling him to death. "Shtap! I'm going to pee!" He giggled out, covering his sides as the squid looked at him before staring back at its tentacles. It struck him again and again, making his sides hurt as laughed. He was tearing up as he was brought to his knees.
Finally it stopped, letting him take lungs full of air as he laid on the ground. "Oh thank fuck," He panted out in relief. He was finally released from his torment but the creature was not satisfied as it let out a shriek. His laughter would turn to a cry of horror as the calamari snapped its lead and had its new mount barreling straight at him.
Scrambling to his feet, he tried to dodge, but all it did was line him up for the creature's charge. He let out a cry of discomfort as the creature slammed into him, launching him into the distance. His screams trailed across the crystalline environment before slamming straight into a hard surface.
He cursed as he felt the barrier break before he found himself tumbling onto a fiery hell. Tumbling on the ground, he groaned as he came to a stop. Thankfully, his little lights kept on him throughout all the craziness that had happened. "Oh fuck, please tell me it's over," He moaned out to Red as it floated above him, pushing at him to move.
He would soon be answered as he heard the cries of tiny little lights marching across the blasted landscape. Getting up again, he shouted as he stomped on the light, "Shit! Fuck! Why does it have to be fire ants!" Despite the many stains he made across the floor, they would keep on coming, climbing up to his legs and stinging him repeatedly.
Shaking them off desperately, he could barely react when a large brass tin man came barreling at him, knocking him off his feet and sending him flying once more into the wall. This time, he would burst into a little play castle where he'd find a little elven girl with concerningly sparse clothes playing with lights as if they were toys.
His landing was softened by the many cushions in the castle, he would sigh out in relief. The blow had knocked off the ants. As much of a relief it was to be somewhere normal, the girl did not take too kindly to his presence. With a shriek, she launched herself at him and slapped him with her tiny little paws. While a bit roughed up, he wasn't so defenseless as to let her slap him. Forcing himself to stand up, he held out a hand to block her.
"Ow! No! Bad girl!" he scolded her as he deflected her strikes, looking at her sternly while standing his ground. This only seemed to infuriate her even more as she got a whole lot more pink than she was already. With a sigh, he sidestepped her before grabbing her the scruff of her collar, holding her up as she failed around, babbling in her incomprehensible language.
"Who taught you to hit people, jeez. Where are your parents anyways? I kinda need help," He asked her but all he got was the scowl of a furious little girl. He leaned away, cringing as she blew a wet raspberry at him. "And has anyone told you how rude you are?"
Looking around frantically with the girl and lights in hand, he wandered around and found that this lone singular room and its listless light was all this castle had. All the rest of the rooms were tiny little glove boxes to store toys it seems.
As he searched for a way out, and a place to set this girl down, Red would unexpectedly fly through the hole he made. "Oh, thank goodness you're ok!" He sighed out before letting out a cry of surprise as the girl made a lunge for Red.
"No! Bad! Bad!" He shouted as he set her down. Thankfully, she just stood there, crossing her arms with a look demanding for an explanation, "You don't just eat something like that! What if Red was poisonous or tasted bad!" Red would cry out in protest.
The girl flinched, cowering from him as her eyes water. He cringed as he heard her whimper and sniffle, his heart breaking at the sight. With a sigh, he reached out and stroked her hair, trying to calm the little girl down, "There there, I didn't mean to shout. I didn't want you to eat my friend, that's all," He explained.
Looking up at him hesitantly, the girl shied away from him but a smile had her latching on to him. "You seem all alone. Let's go find your parents ok?" He told her before he seized up as he heard the roar of the tin man, the calamari and the creature from the void echoing from the hole. "Ah crap,"
Pulling at the girl who stubbornly refused to let go, he told frantically, "Umm, kid, you can let go now! We'll walk faster if you're not hugging me!" He tried to pull away but the stubborn kid clung on, digging her heels on the ground, "Kid? I'd really appreciate it if you let go!" He told him but the mischievous smile that stretched across his face sent alarm bells ringing in his mind.
Without so much as a warning, the girl punched him right between the legs which had him seeing stars, "Right in the Gonads!" He squealed out as he bent over, just in time for the angry trio to barrel right at him.
For the third time, he went flying, crashing through the walls once again. Bursting through the new scenery, he beheld a great slug and a caged up fairy before he crashed right into the cage (and getting partially stuck in it), before slamming right into the slug. With his head stuck inside the cage with the, now rather roughed up fairy, he dashed the head of the creature, before landing roughly on the ground of the swamp.
As he laid there, clutching his lights against his chest, he pondered if he should just stay there. The place smelled horrid, like one of those truck stop toilets. The smells got even more horrible as the slug he slammed into started leaking some foul liquid while it laid there, twitching. The only saving grace from it all was just how comfortable the ground was.
Beat up and defeated, he was about to throw in the towel and give up when he saw a tiny clown-like creature beckoning him over. He looked at it in confusion, wondering what it wanted when it spoke up, "Here!"
Feeling some strength return to him, he crawled forward, dragging himself to the creature. "Oh thank god, someone who I can talk to!" He called out, nearly crying in relief as the clown nodded. "You have to help me! There's three insane midgets and a rabid dog chasing after me," He begged him, clutching the creature's legs.
Laughing at him, the creature would reach into its pocket before throwing sand at his eyes. "Fuck!" He cursed out, closing his eyes, feeling his whole body lurch while he tried to get the sand off his eyes, a fact made all the harder with the fairy's cage stuck to his head. As he got the stinging dust off his eyes and opened his eyes, he found himself in a whole new place; a tunnel just big enough to fit several of himself comfortably.
He looked around with bleary eyes, straining his ears for the stupid clown or the creatures chasing after him, but he found nought but peace. Slumping down, the chase was finally over. He must have looked so pitiful there that the fairy inside the cage stumbled over to him and gave him a pat on the head, "Thank you," She whispered kindly.
Finally away from danger, he felt some of the adrenaline fading away as the land of sleep called to him. Yawning, he told the fairy, "I'll free you later… let me just sleep," With those words, he felt his eyes shut close and he slipped into a deep slumber. He'd had enough excitement for the day, he was going to let future him handle this.
A/N:
Look at him go, creating quite the splash the first time he touched down the Galaxy. Heh, the four right now are definitely not happy. Tzeentch's realm is just obliterated, Khorne's armies smushed, Slaanesh has all her toys destroyed and well... let's just say Nurgle is going to wake up with a killer headache. Thankfully, our little friend got himself some slack by finding the realm of his people. Hopefully, things won't get as wild for him so soon after this~
Anyways, I'd like to thank @vyor making this possible. Praise be Vyor for he keeps most of my idea sane. Now if you want to support or want to read some fic chapters in advance, consider dropping by either Patreon or Ko-Fi. Without Old Man and the rest of my patreons, I wouldn't have been able to write this. Old Man, I hope you like you commission cause I'm posting them now!
It was a wonderful summer day. The sun was shining, the sky was almost clear with just a few large lazy clouds floating by, and the wind was blowing ever so gently; caressing his pasty white skin. Breathing in the scent of the ocean before him and feeling the coarse white sands beneath his feet, he finally felt the tension on his shoulders melt away as he soaked in and savored the scene.
It'd been ages since he had left his office job, locked away in some cubicle, working away typing reports for something or other. He had long since forgotten what they even made at this point as the words and numbers melted into one unintelligible blob. It was just him, the computer, and his coworkers suffering equally with him. The pay was good, yes, but it was soul draining. It was dull, painfully boring, and made him wish he hadn't landed it in the first place. It was simply too cushy of a job to leave, but he often wished that something exciting would happen in his life.
As he stood there, surrounded by all the vibrant colors and the sound of people's laughter while they enjoyed the summer days, he knew that cashing in on his long overdue vacation was the right choice. He had almost forgotten the heat of the sun against his skin, the bright blue color of the sea and the wonderful salty scent of the ocean breeze but as he stood there, he felt his spirits soar.
"Today is going to be a good day," He told himself as he took a step only to pause as he felt his phone buzz. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the brick like phone inside its waterproof case and saw his email notification. It was his boss asking him if he was not busy.
He was about to open it and type out a reply only to pause as he realized what he was about to do. Taking in a deep breath before letting it out slowly, hesitation but ultimately closing his phone and turning it off for good measure.
"Harley and Quinn Incorporated can wait," He told himself as stared at the waters ahead, the waves smaller in this spot than across the other stretch of the beach. He could feel it calling out to him, asking him to take a dip in the crystal clear waters. How could he say no to such an invitation as he felt a smile stretch across his face, "Now, I relax!"
With a burst of speed, he sprinted forward, pushing his gangly frame ahead as he dove into the water ahead. He slipped beneath the waves, feeling a rush of adrenaline in his veins as his body slowly remembered how to swim. With a whoop of joy, he broke out of the water's surface and swam, shaking his head to get the water out of his eyes and hair.
Giddy with excitement, he swam to his heart's content, enjoying this new found freedom he gained. This was what he was missing for all these years, something to shake up the routine that had come to dominate his life. For the first time in what felt like forever, he felt happy and he wouldn't trade the world for it.
He darted through the warm tropical waters even as he felt his lungs burn and his limbs ache. He headed straight for the deeper seas, heading towards the coral reefs in the farthest parts of the bay. He simply could not help himself now that he had been reunited with the sea, though he might have been a bit too enthusiastic about it.
In his haste to get back to the water, he had forgotten the one rule that swimmers, or anyone actively exercising, should abide by; limber up or face the consequence. He would soon curse himself as he felt his muscle twist with pain spreading up to his thighs and ass, "Oh fuck,"
His rotten luck had him cramping up just after he dove down deep and now, he was one leg short to paddle up. Desperately he tried to get up, wincing as he moved his legs while pushing with his arm but he could not rise fast enough. What's worse was that he noticed he hadn't moved at all with the light dimming even as he swam harder and pushed his body to the limit.
Still, it would not be enough as he realized he was getting dragged into the watery depths. As he looked down, he saw just why. The sandy grooved path that stretched all the way down to abrupt change in depth, the water churning as he got ever deeper, the abyss staring back at him as it reeled him ever deeper.
"Riptide," He thought out and that singular thought made his heart seize in fear. He had been caught in the grasp of the terrible current which could overpower even the most seasoned of swimmers. Panicking, he tried to fight it off, swimming harder despite the pain of his cramped up limbs, but it had been ages since he actually last swam.
The currents pull was inescapable, the water rushing around him as his feet slipped against the sandy bottom and hung over the void. He felt his last hopes slip by his toes as he was suddenly pulled down, dragged into the depths of the sea. So fast did he sink that he felt his chest caving in, forcing out what little air was left out. He let out a scream as he was tossed about in the currents, the darkness all encompassing as his consciousness started to fade.
The weight upon his body was immense, ever mounting as he descended deeper with the light of the sun rapidly fading away into the inky abyss. Water filled his lungs as he let out a strangled gasp, his lungs seeking out precious air when there was none. He could feel his body stretching and bending, his head feeling like it was about to explode until, suddenly, he found release.
Breaking through the water, he coughed, the water forced out of his lungs as he started falling instead, his voice echoing in the portal he found himself in. He screamed, his eyes beholding terrors he could not describe as he slipped through space between space, his body forced into ever more eldritch shapes, warped and broken in so many countless ways that he wished to go back to the cold embrace of the ocean instead, just so he could escape this madness.
It almost felt like an eternity and a second at the same time, his mind stretched and squeezed, contradictions becoming facts as reality broke down before he passed through and out into a starry void, where he came face to face with a gaping, swirling maw of darkness: a black hole. He screamed and screamed, shielding his eyes as he approached the darkness only for it to never come.
He paused, his heart hammering away inside his chest while blood rushed through his ears, as he tried to assess his situation. Slowly, he took a peek only for the spinning sphere of perfect darkness to remain.
He felt his heart leap up to his throat as he flinched but, as the seconds passed by, he had to open his eyes. Forcing them open, he'd realized that he stopped falling and hovered over the sphere. Only now did notice how close it was, so close that he could touch it, and so small that it would be more akin to a large old fashioned globe one would find in some library, nothing like the stellar behemoths he'd watched from some documentaries about on his phone.
"H-how… am I floating?" He called out as he stretched out and noticed that he floated above this globe like he was free falling. Slowly he flailed his green limbs about, trying to swim away or just get anywhere not close to the hole of death only to touch its smooth surface. He screamed once more as he felt it stick to his hands, and he feared for the worst, but it felt more like his limbs were attached to magnets, powerful ones, but nothing so crazy as for something to tear him apart and spaghettify him in the process.
"Huh… not so black holely of you," He called out to the thing that he found… fuzzy. It was hard to describe and equally weird how he could pull himself up and stand on its surface; and that wasn't even touching on the matter of his green appendages.
As he stood there atop that globe, he looked down at himself and found his body and limbs transformed. Gone were the stick thin limbs he once had, replaced by even thinner limbs that felt more like twigs than anything. His body had also taken a far more simpler form with almost no definition. It was concerning, feeling himself, his hands? Paws? Gliding over smooth and slimy skin. He felt… froggy.
For a brief second he felt dread as he reached down, feeling himself up before he let out a sigh of relief. It was there but it was… inside a slit? It felt like how a tongue would be hidden inside one's mouth. He chose not to dwell on it any further, as he had far more pressing matters at hand, where the hell was he even at?
Sitting down on the black void and running his hand over its surprisingly pleasant surface, he pondered deeply. Looking out to the starry night that surrounded him, it was a far cry from the sunny beaches of the tropics. It was cold, but not too cold, and it was surprisingly well lit with a huge golden star the size of his new thumb glowing in the distance.
The smaller stars themselves almost looked like they were fireflies in a dark summer night's sky. In fact, maybe he could reach out and grab one. It was a silly thought, but he had nothing better to do as he did not know if he could get out of… wherever he was.
He was, at least, certainly safe enough if he just ignored that he may or may not have been stranded in some place where there was no food or water. It could be worse, however, like how he could have just drowned there and then. If not for that little event where he was dragged across time and space, maybe he wouldn't be around still. "I just wished I still had my pants on," He said out loud, but none would answer him back. He was now all alone, with just his thoughts as company.
With a sigh, he laid down flat on the sphere he'd landed on. It was a safe little spot, yes but it was as barren as they could get. Don't get him wrong, the view was amazing. It was as if he was floating in space atop a black hole, but that's about it. He just had his view and the stars behind him. Looking up, his thoughts wandered to those lights above once more. They were so close… maybe, just maybe he could reach them? He had nothing better to do, at any rate.
Getting up; he reached out, standing on the tips of his toes as he tried to grab a light in the dark. "Just a bit more," He groaned out as he reached out to the stars above. For a moment, they danced around his hands, flitting through his fingers until he finally caught one. It was weak and feeble, and yet it was utterly brilliant to look upon; like a gem that he could not quite touch yet was able to hold.
As he pulled it down and held it in his palm, he could feel a certain warmth in it. Dancing inside his hands, It was as if they were alive. With how crazy things had been, he wouldn't be surprised if they were. Still, he had his little fun. How it was time for him to free them.
"Go on little guy, sorry to bother you," He whispered to the object as he let it go only to find the star flying back to him, orbiting his hands lazily. It was fascinating to look at, his heart calming down as a sense of joy filled him. "Well, if you insist… though you're a little bit lonely so let me fix that!" he whispered as he looked back up to the sky.
Momentarily forgetting about his situation, he let out a giggle as he ran about his globe, grabbing and collecting as many of these stars as he could. So many did he gather that he started to glow, this vast constellation he made circling around his form and even attracting some of the far off stars he could not quite reach.
They came in a dizzying array of colors, each one unique on its own. Some were brighter, war gem like stars, while some were dimmer, like the green ones which were more like specks of dust yet they came in the thousands. Unfortunately, he was getting some weird specks as well, more like gnats and mosquitoes with this horrid sound they made. They were even trying to latch on to some of this collection.
"Get away!" he shooed them away, swatting them away, getting a satisfying tiny scream as he fought off the bigger one. "Go on! Git!" he laughed out, watching those lights scramble back into the void. There were still those that attached themselves to his ever growing collection, but a simple blow, some polishing, and rubbing against his chest had them all cleaned up, shining even.
"There, all cleaned up," He whispered as he let the star go, watching it zoom around like an energetic little comet before it returned back to its previous state. They easily tuckered out from the looks of it.
As he sat back down, satisfied that the annoying lights wouldn't come back, his attention would be called upon by the brightest red star he saw approaching him. "Oh hello," He called out as he reached out and grabbed a red gem out from the void and held it close to his chest. Unlike all the other stars, it felt like it was a shard instead of a whole, a sliver of its true self, yet it was bright enough to rival the bigger white dots that orbit him. "What happened to you?" He whispered, inspecting the little piece.
The gem sputtered, gasping like it was out of breath, before it looked up and let out the tiniest shriek of terror. "Hey! Hey! I'm not going to hurt you little one," He assured the small dot, "Awfully animated, aren't you, huh?" He noted as it tried to fly out of his grasp but all it was able to do was get off his palm for a few inches before landing back down.
"Well you're not going anywhere with that gas tank," He told the speck that kept on squeaking and bouncing about his palm and refusing to stay still. Eventually, however, it would tire out; slumping atop his palm in the most adorable of ways. "Easy there, why the rush?" He asked as he picked it up and set it atop his shoulder.
"Here, let me set you there so you can rest ok?" He told the shard who squeaked out once again. Now that it sat so close to him, he could actually feel its tone; it was tired and afraid? "Why are you afraid little one? There's nothing here but you, me, and the stars above," He asked as he motioned at the sky above which was filled with so many red stars.
Reaching out for these stars, he paused as he felt something slimy and cold. Groping about, he felt the starry sky above him shift, his palm feeling countless tendrils moving beneath it as the red dots moved and stared at him. "These aren't stars," He whispered, pulling back as the starry sky rumbled, the sound echoing in his chest as the angry buzzing echoed above and around him.
He froze, slowly backing away as the colors of the sky shifted to an iridescent kaleidoscope yet those terrible red eyes remained, revealing the shapes hidden from his view. Those countless tiny dots glared down at him, their maws salivating as they came in their multitude. This shapeless hoard made his nonexistent hair stand up as they stared off at each other, neither daring to make a move.
"ROAR!" the shapeless mass screeched out, and all of them screamed.
"Those are not stars!" He screamed, the red one screamed, and his constellations screamed as the creatures from the void lunged at them.
Grabbing his tiny companions, he leaped to the side. His heart leaping up to his throat as felt them graze his feet just before they crashed into the dark surface of his fuzzy island. He watched in horror as they started to scream, bits and pieces were torn off from the greater whole. He could see those caught in his seat clinging to the others, dragging the beast down even as it crawled towards him, not even bothered as great chunks were torn from it, for they were countless.
Not waiting for the swarm to recover and free themselves, he bolted off; running where his tiny little feet could take him. He ran across to the other end of the globe before leaping off into the void, trusting his chances there more than with duking it out with them.
He screamed as he soared across the starry sky, desperately holding onto his tiny companions, before he crashed into a soft, ground like surface. He let out a grunt as it knocked the air out of him while he laid there in the shifting "ground". Staring down, he found a cracked surface that buckled and shone under his weight, swirling and churning in an array of mesmerizing colors as it spiraled into this tiny hole at the center that was simply too big for him to fit through.
The mass shrieked out, which had him leaping in surprise. With his heart racing, he turned to find the creatures swimming through the vast distance he had left.
Turning back, he jumped up and down, screaming out in panic as the creature darted straight at him, "Come on! Let me in! Let me in-!" before the hole suddenly gave way beneath him, stretching out as he fell through.
He let out a cry of terror as he fell once more, his form plunging from the starry sky to another realm, a strange new place where nothing made sense. Tumbling across the air, he reached out for his stars, pulling them into his chest to protect them before he crashed hard down on a crystalline sand castle before rolling off into a small hedge maze.
"Mother fucker!" he screamed out, feeling the shards stung him before he stared down and found the same lights that he had swatted away, the blue screeching ones staring back at him. With a battle cry, they leapt at him and his stars, forcing him back up as he batted away at them while making a run for it, barreling straight to the maze's glass like walls, shielding his eyes as shards went flying everywhere.
"Fucking damn it all!" He cursed his rotten luck as a dog-sized calamari forced its way out of the pile that was once a castle before it let out a scream of anger.
"Sorry! I'll pay you later! Watch out for the swarm though!" he called out, warning the creature who paused before turning to where he slipped out of, the same hole which the creatures from the void were trying to force their way in.
The swarm called out and he watched the tiny calamari turn and let out a shriek of anger. As much as he wanted to help the guy, he did not want to be violated by the tentacles of the monsters after him.
He shrieked as he felt the ground beneath him rumble, making him trip and spilling his tiny stars down on the ground. Looking behind, he could see a great many lights streaking through the psychedelic landscape as the brave calamari battled the beast, latching onto it and blasting away. Taking advantage of the momentary distraction, he gathered his babies, frantically gathering as many as he could. He could have dropped them at any time, but he could not live with himself letting these precious beings fall prey to the monstrosities.
As he gathered the last few pieces, wiping them clean off the parasites that clung to them, he felt something nudging him, squeaking at him to get his attention. "A little busy here, Red! Maybe a bit later!" He replied as he pulled the last pieces of the ever shifting ground.
He then heard an annoyed shriek from the tiny guy as they slammed to his cheeks and forced him to look behind and he felt his stomach drop at the sight. "Ohhh...," he whispered as he saw the squid clamber atop the writhing mass, wrangling the creature with some form of lasso. The brave calamari had won and claimed its mount.
As their eyes met, he saw utter hatred in those beady eyes. Raising his hands appeasingly as he slowly backed away, he called out, "Now there little buddy, let's think for a second here. No need to be angry about your castle and your maze."
"I'll fix it! See!" He said appeasingly as he grabbed a shattered piece and shakily stuck it to the broken wall. Jamming it in, he smiled nervously as pointed at his shoddy work, "There, one break at a time," but his hopes would come crashing down as he heard glass cracking around him.
Turning to the sound, he saw the piece he had stuck back into place creating a spider web of cracks spread to the crystalline walls. "Shit fuck, nooo!" He shrieked out as he tried to hold the walls, hoping it wouldn't crack any further but it was far too late. As he squeezed down, the whole maze, every last inch of the twisting walls and alleys shattered and came crashing down.
He cringed as the squid's shoulder sagged as it looked around. Guilt bubbles up his chest but he did not like how the squid's color rapidly shifted from going pale white to beet red. Chuckling nervously, he told the poor creature? "I'm sure you can make a new one… right?"
The squid let out an inarticulate shriek of rage before it lashed out, pointing a tentacle at him as a bolt of light lanced out at him. He barely had any time to react as he turned around, shielding his little stars, before the light struck his side. He let out a laugh as he squirmed under the strike which was soon followed by more.
He laughed out loud as the squid kept striking him, seemingly intent on tickling him to death. "Shtap! I'm going to pee!" He giggled out, covering his sides as the squid looked at him before staring back at its tentacles. It struck him again and again, making his sides hurt as laughed. He was tearing up as he was brought to his knees.
Finally it stopped, letting him take lungs full of air as he laid on the ground. "Oh thank fuck," He panted out in relief. He was finally released from his torment but the creature was not satisfied as it let out a shriek. His laughter would turn to a cry of horror as the calamari snapped its lead and had its new mount barreling straight at him.
Scrambling to his feet, he tried to dodge, but all it did was line him up for the creature's charge. He let out a cry of discomfort as the creature slammed into him, launching him into the distance. His screams trailed across the crystalline environment before slamming straight into a hard surface.
He cursed as he felt the barrier break before he found himself tumbling onto a fiery hell. Tumbling on the ground, he groaned as he came to a stop. Thankfully, his little lights kept on him throughout all the craziness that had happened. "Oh fuck, please tell me it's over," He moaned out to Red as it floated above him, pushing at him to move.
He would soon be answered as he heard the cries of tiny little lights marching across the blasted landscape. Getting up again, he shouted as he stomped on the light, "Shit! Fuck! Why does it have to be fire ants!" Despite the many stains he made across the floor, they would keep on coming, climbing up to his legs and stinging him repeatedly.
Shaking them off desperately, he could barely react when a large brass tin man came barreling at him, knocking him off his feet and sending him flying once more into the wall. This time, he would burst into a little play castle where he'd find a little elven girl with concerningly sparse clothes playing with lights as if they were toys.
His landing was softened by the many cushions in the castle, he would sigh out in relief. The blow had knocked off the ants. As much of a relief it was to be somewhere normal, the girl did not take too kindly to his presence. With a shriek, she launched herself at him and slapped him with her tiny little paws. While a bit roughed up, he wasn't so defenseless as to let her slap him. Forcing himself to stand up, he held out a hand to block her.
"Ow! No! Bad girl!" he scolded her as he deflected her strikes, looking at her sternly while standing his ground. This only seemed to infuriate her even more as she got a whole lot more pink than she was already. With a sigh, he sidestepped her before grabbing her the scruff of her collar, holding her up as she failed around, babbling in her incomprehensible language.
"Who taught you to hit people, jeez. Where are your parents anyways? I kinda need help," He asked her but all he got was the scowl of a furious little girl. He leaned away, cringing as she blew a wet raspberry at him. "And has anyone told you how rude you are?"
Looking around frantically with the girl and lights in hand, he wandered around and found that this lone singular room and its listless light was all this castle had. All the rest of the rooms were tiny little glove boxes to store toys it seems.
As he searched for a way out, and a place to set this girl down, Red would unexpectedly fly through the hole he made. "Oh, thank goodness you're ok!" He sighed out before letting out a cry of surprise as the girl made a lunge for Red.
"No! Bad! Bad!" He shouted as he set her down. Thankfully, she just stood there, crossing her arms with a look demanding for an explanation, "You don't just eat something like that! What if Red was poisonous or tasted bad!" Red would cry out in protest.
The girl flinched, cowering from him as her eyes water. He cringed as he heard her whimper and sniffle, his heart breaking at the sight. With a sigh, he reached out and stroked her hair, trying to calm the little girl down, "There there, I didn't mean to shout. I didn't want you to eat my friend, that's all," He explained.
Looking up at him hesitantly, the girl shied away from him but a smile had her latching on to him. "You seem all alone. Let's go find your parents ok?" He told her before he seized up as he heard the roar of the tin man, the calamari and the creature from the void echoing from the hole. "Ah crap,"
Pulling at the girl who stubbornly refused to let go, he told frantically, "Umm, kid, you can let go now! We'll walk faster if you're not hugging me!" He tried to pull away but the stubborn kid clung on, digging her heels on the ground, "Kid? I'd really appreciate it if you let go!" He told him but the mischievous smile that stretched across his face sent alarm bells ringing in his mind.
Without so much as a warning, the girl punched him right between the legs which had him seeing stars, "Right in the Gonads!" He squealed out as he bent over, just in time for the angry trio to barrel right at him.
For the third time, he went flying, crashing through the walls once again. Bursting through the new scenery, he beheld a great slug and a caged up fairy before he crashed right into the cage (and getting partially stuck in it), before slamming right into the slug. With his head stuck inside the cage with the, now rather roughed up fairy, he dashed the head of the creature, before landing roughly on the ground of the swamp.
As he laid there, clutching his lights against his chest, he pondered if he should just stay there. The place smelled horrid, like one of those truck stop toilets. The smells got even more horrible as the slug he slammed into started leaking some foul liquid while it laid there, twitching. The only saving grace from it all was just how comfortable the ground was.
Beat up and defeated, he was about to throw in the towel and give up when he saw a tiny clown-like creature beckoning him over. He looked at it in confusion, wondering what it wanted when it spoke up, "Here!"
Feeling some strength return to him, he crawled forward, dragging himself to the creature. "Oh thank god, someone who I can talk to!" He called out, nearly crying in relief as the clown nodded. "You have to help me! There's three insane midgets and a rabid dog chasing after me," He begged him, clutching the creature's legs.
Laughing at him, the creature would reach into its pocket before throwing sand at his eyes. "Fuck!" He cursed out, closing his eyes, feeling his whole body lurch while he tried to get the sand off his eyes, a fact made all the harder with the fairy's cage stuck to his head. As he got the stinging dust off his eyes and opened his eyes, he found himself in a whole new place; a tunnel just big enough to fit several of himself comfortably.
He looked around with bleary eyes, straining his ears for the stupid clown or the creatures chasing after him, but he found nought but peace. Slumping down, the chase was finally over. He must have looked so pitiful there that the fairy inside the cage stumbled over to him and gave him a pat on the head, "Thank you," She whispered kindly.
Finally away from danger, he felt some of the adrenaline fading away as the land of sleep called to him. Yawning, he told the fairy, "I'll free you later… let me just sleep," With those words, he felt his eyes shut close and he slipped into a deep slumber. He'd had enough excitement for the day, he was going to let future him handle this.
A/N:
Look at him go, creating quite the splash the first time he touched down the Galaxy. Heh, the four right now are definitely not happy. Tzeentch's realm is just obliterated, Khorne's armies smushed, Slaanesh has all her toys destroyed and well... let's just say Nurgle is going to wake up with a killer headache. Thankfully, our little friend got himself some slack by finding the realm of his people. Hopefully, things won't get as wild for him so soon after this~
Anyways, I'd like to thank @vyor making this possible. Praise be Vyor for he keeps most of my idea sane. Now if you want to support or want to read some fic chapters in advance, consider dropping by either Patreon or Ko-Fi. Without Old Man and the rest of my patreons, I wouldn't have been able to write this. Old Man, I hope you like you commission cause I'm posting them now!
Chloe Sullivan
Subdefective
- Location
- 1630 Revello Drive, Sunnydale CA
I am so confused. Who is this calamari?
- Location
- A Tropical Island in the Pacific
That's Tzeentch and that maze Kermit destroyed... well, thats pretty important to Tzeentch.
Oh yeah, just for anyone confused at the massive beast that chased Kermit. That's from the deep end of the Warp, random warp borne predator
Chloe Sullivan
Subdefective
- Location
- 1630 Revello Drive, Sunnydale CA
Huh, I usually see Tzeench represented as a bird, not a squid. But then they probably have many representations.
- Location
- A Tropical Island in the Pacific
I may or may not have taken inspiration from the TTSD series
- Location
- Lost to the Depths of the Deep Web
Well the art used form him was taken from older books so...
Sachertorte
The Twilight of Boredom
I didn't realized that he's dealing with the Chaos Gods until the end of the story...
Judge Mental
Stranger In a Strange Land
Crossposting from SB:
Kermit: "It's the Kermit Show, with our very special guest stars, the Chaos Gods, yaaaay!"
*Introduction plays*
(Kr)Ork Chorus Line: It's time to pull out choppas
It's time to get in fights
It's time to shoot some dakka
on the Brain Boy's Show tonight!
Eldar Chorus Line: It's time to put on Aspects
and make sure Mom's alright
It's time to hit the Webway
on the Old One's Show tonight!
God-Emperor: I don't know how you got here
but I'm hoping that your Show
will distract me from this torture
as I sit upon the Throne.
*Interlude plays*
Kermit: And now let's get things started-
Necron (Audience) Interrupt: We'll finish what we started!
Kermit: It's time to get things started
On the most sensational
Inspirational
Celebrational
40K-tional
This is what we call the Kermit SHOOOOW!
*Ciaphas Cain blows a trumpet.*
*It's a completely normal trumpet.*
*This fails to reassure the Commissar in any way.*
Kermit: "It's the Kermit Show, with our very special guest stars, the Chaos Gods, yaaaay!"
*Introduction plays*
(Kr)Ork Chorus Line: It's time to pull out choppas
It's time to get in fights
It's time to shoot some dakka
on the Brain Boy's Show tonight!
Eldar Chorus Line: It's time to put on Aspects
and make sure Mom's alright
It's time to hit the Webway
on the Old One's Show tonight!
God-Emperor: I don't know how you got here
but I'm hoping that your Show
will distract me from this torture
as I sit upon the Throne.
*Interlude plays*
Kermit: And now let's get things started-
Necron (Audience) Interrupt: We'll finish what we started!
Kermit: It's time to get things started
On the most sensational
Inspirational
Celebrational
40K-tional
This is what we call the Kermit SHOOOOW!
*Ciaphas Cain blows a trumpet.*
*It's a completely normal trumpet.*
*This fails to reassure the Commissar in any way.*
- Location
- Philippines
Okay so that monster thing is a predator from the Deep Warp, that angry squidward is Tzeentch, the armored midget is Khorne, the elf loli is Slaanesh and the slug is Nurgle. As for the others, the caged fairy is Isha, that little red light is either Khaine (judging by how much Slaanesh wanted to nom-nom it) or a shard of Magnus and lastly the clown is Cegorach.
I take this MC is going to be a walking trigger button to the C'tan who I hope from his perspective looks like large Transformers action figures.
You sir have my like and watch because this sh** is gold!
I take this MC is going to be a walking trigger button to the C'tan who I hope from his perspective looks like large Transformers action figures.
You sir have my like and watch because this sh** is gold!
Chapter 1
- Location
- A Tropical Island in the Pacific
A Lovely Tour
Sleep would be but a brief respite for him as he felt himself stir awake. As he laid there against the cold and strangely soft ground, groaning as a deep seated weariness spread over his body, he wondered if it was all just a dream. Maybe he'd just vividly dreamt the whole thing after forcing his body to swim that hard. After all, it'd been ages since he last swam and he had swam as hard as his legs could handle.
"Wake up!"
Yes, he's probably in his hotel room, having passed out from the excitement of yesterday. Surely he wouldn't have fallen through a portal and found himself in the void of space with nothing but a black hole as his island? It was simply too fantastical given what he had experienced afterwards. The lights, the creature from the void, the portal to a whole other realm, and those four? Surely it was all just a dream; yet a small seed of doubt wormed its way into his mind.
"Wake up!"
For a moment, he paused. There was that voice again. He was pretty sure he came alone on the trip. He wouldn't have anyone else in his room, right? He wasn't the type to invite someone over, after all, especially how the voice sounded like that of a young man.
"Wake up!"
Hearing their call, fear started to grip his heart. Who was that? What if he wasn't in his room anymore? What if it wasn't a dream? What if it was all real?
Shaking his head, he scrunched his eyes close as he buried his face on the soft ground. Maybe if he didn't open his eyes, he wouldn't see the truth! Yes, indeed, he could just stay there… but he could feel nature calling and his stomach was rumbling. There was also a sharp pain in his ass, like a bruise on one of the cheeks that needed attention. He needed to get up and he wouldn't be given a chance to do it slowly as he suddenly felt something slam into his closed eyes.
"Wake up!"
"Gah!?" He flailed about, clutching his eyes as he jumped to his feet. Rubbing his eyes, he shook his head, doing his best to clear his eyes. As the pain subsided, he finally got to see his surroundings and he could only fall down to his knees. He was not in the seaside hotel room he rented in Honolulu, instead finding himself inside a tunnel amidst a turbulent psychedelic sea.
Looking down to his trembling hands, he found not the limbs of a man but the thin limbs of some amphibian."Oh god, it wasn't a dream," He whispered in horror as he covered his face, feeling the changes that had happened to his body.
It was only now that he truly grasped the gravity of his situation, of how he had been twisted into a new form and all he could do was despair, "No, no, no…"
Clenching his fist, he then punched himself, snapping him out of the doom spiral he found himself in. "No! Bad Kermit, don't panic!" He told himself as he slapped himself in the cheeks, scolding himself, "Ok! Don't panic, panicking won't get you anywhere."
"Hey!"
A tiny voice would call out, making his whirl around to find a familiar dot of light greeting him. "Red! Oh thank god you're here," He sighed out in relief before terror filled his veins once more. "Wait, Where are the rest of you?!" His stars, his guidings lights, were not on his person.
His panic would be short-lived as Red suddenly swooped up before slamming down on his head, forcing him to look down and there he would find his lights on the ground. Strewn across the strange semi transparent ground, "Oh thank heavens," He whispered as he reached out, grabbing them.
As if they were stirred awake, all of them flowed up to his hands, orbiting themselves around him as before. It was strange that he found comfort in their lights. Maybe it was their soft glow or maybe it was because he knew they were alive, but one thing was clear at the very least; they were the only semblance of sanity he found in this strange realm. "I'll never lose you guys again." He told them.
"Hey!"
The voice would call out again, slapping him across the cheeks again. "Damn it, stop!" He told Red as it pushed against his face. He resisted at first as he was still checking on his collection of lights, but Red was quite insistent. Sighing, he relented, turning to where Red was pushing him just briefly before returning back to the others, "Ok, ok, I'll take a look," What he'd see soon after made him quickly reconsider.
There on the ground was a rusted bird cage with the largest light he had yet seen trapped inside. What was worse was the light from the being was fading, pulsing weakly as if gasping for air. "Shit, Fuck!" He cursed as he rushed to the cage.
He grabbed it, heedless of the danger that jagged and rusted metal bars brought. It stung his hands, but he pushed through, pulling it apart with surprising ease. Prying the bars open, he reached out and slowly pulled out the light within, "Don't worry buddy, Kermit's gotcha."
As he pulled them close to his chest, he realized that the light he pulled up wasn't just some shapeless blob but one in the shape of a small, hand-sized woman. Curled into a ball and shaking terribly, the fairy looked terrible. She looked green around the gills, somewhat literally at that with a green complexion, and terribly hot to the touch.
"What the hell happened to you?" He asked as he held her, "Well, whatever it was, I need to get you somewhere safe!" He continued as he looked around and wondered where he was going to go now.
The man(?) sized tunnel was just big enough to allow him to walk about comfortably, even if he had someone else walking by his side. Looking further ahead, he'd see the long winding path was lined with various branching paths of different sizes. Some were no smaller than a pin prick while others were just as big as his head. It was a confusing labyrinthian mess and he was in the center of it all.
"Hey!"
"Oh right, Red!" He whirled around as the light bobbed up and down ahead of him, "What is it?"
He wasn't quite sure what they wanted to do but with how they were heading down one of the paths and coming back to him, they might know a way? "Wait, you know your way around here?" He asked.
Red would warble about, almost looking like it was saying that they knew it… mostly. "Well considering that I don't even know where the hell I am, might as well!" He shrugged as he followed along, eliciting a tinkling cry of relief and excitement from Red.
Shaking his head, he said, "This is going to be one confusing game of charades considering your body is just a blob…?" Peering closer, he found that they were not just a shapeless blob but, unlike the full bodied fairy, he was but a floating and one eyed, almost featureless head, of a man. "Well, all head, but we're going to work something out right?"
"Hey!"
"That's the spirit Red," He chuckled, feeling his spirits lifted. Things weren't looking so bleak now that he had people with him. "You, Me, and Lady over here, We'll get through this! All of us," He promised them as he marched along, hoping to find something ,or someplace, to rest because the Little Lady wasn't looking too hot at that moment.
It was strange that, no matter how far they had walked, he wasn't getting tired. Yes, his stomach was quite empty and he was feeling parched, but it wasn't all that bad. It felt like they had walked an eternity, but such was always the case when the path they traveled through was just some desolate, featureless tunnel. Maybe it was just his mind playing tricks.
Looking up to the semi transparent ceiling, he wondered what was out there. He could see shapes, like small schools of fishes, swimming by in the strange rainbow sea. There were some big ones, almost the size of those four, but they didn't bother him. It was as if the walls themselves kept him from being seen. Not wanting to press his luck, he ignored them just as they ignored him.
Of course, it wasn't all boring as, from time to time, he'd see some strange rainbow star poke out of the holes before shrieking out and jumping back in. Where did those lights come from? They certainly didn't look native in the sea, seeing as some of the lights out there got gobbled up by those dirty shapes swimming about.
Looking back to Red, they were certainly looking a bit shaky. "Hey Red!" he called out, making the little light jump in surprise, "Do you know where we are?" He then asked.
He was met with silence and frantic flight before he clarified, "No, not where we are right now but what this place is called. This thing doesn't look like it's natural," It certainly wasn't in his eyes at least. It felt like the whole place was a corridor carved into the very sea itself, "It's strange you know, it feels like this place was built for me in mind…" he mused.
This seems to be a surprise for Red as it zipped back to him and started measuring him of all things. They would then measure the width and height of the tunnel, exclaiming in intrigue, "Hey!"
"Maybe there's more of me around?" He said out loud. Maybe it was just a desperate hope on his part but he shouldn't be alone right? It would be strange if he was the only one normal sized person there, especially with how vast and labyrinthian this place was.
Red's light seemed to dim for a bit before they started vibrating, intensifying in brightness as they forced out two words, "Web! Way!"
It took him by surprise, but it was a welcome one as he reached out and gave them a pat on the head, "Hey, you're getting better at this," He praised them, making them hiss and let out angry noises which was more of an adorable sight than anything. Chuckling, he shook his head. He continued walking, not minding the fairy as they kept sneezing. At least they were not as hot as before and their glow was far brighter now.
"The Webway?" He said out in wonder as he found the path widening before him as the numbers of pockmarks on the wall grew, "Huh, that certainly doesn't bode well. It feels like it's going to take us forever to get wherever you're taking me!" He exclaimed as his voice echoed through the hallway.
"Come on universe! Give me a bone here!" He shouted, feeling frustrated at the lack of progress made. "Give me something, anything! A way back to the beach would be nice!" He hollered only to cry out in surprise as one of the holes to the side lit up.
"Hey!"
Shielding his little companion and red with his body, he looked back at the glowing portal in fear. His companion, however, was not so afraid as it danced around in excitement, letting out whoops and whistles of happiness. Curiosity soon overcame his apprehension as he slowly inch towards the light, wondering what got his companion so excited.
"Hey… what's that?" He asked as he got closer to the portal. Inside the fist sized hole was what he thought was blue skies. His suspicions would be proven correct as he saw thick fluffy clouds and the tiniest birds crying from beyond. Excitement filled his body as he rushed forward towards the sounds of crashing wave but what greeted him on the other side was not what he expected
"Wait, what?"
"Wait, what?" That was the thought that filled a lone man as he stared up to the heavens and found the eye of a great xenos… frog staring back at him from beyond the clouds.
In all his time as a Commissar, and beyond his career as one, Ciaphas Cain had never seen such an absurd sight. He had fought xenos of all kinds and daemons beyond imagining, but to see such a massive one staring at him through a tear in time and space was not something he expected on a lazy afternoon day in his twilight years. Briefly, he looked down at his Pina Colada and wondered if the Amasec he used had gone off before he looked back up.
No, the frog was still there and he was definitely sure hadn't drank enough to start hallucinating. Slowly the giant pulled back revealing a strange amphibian face and a sickly eldar, one that was dwarfed by the giant, held in their clutch. For a moment, he thought this was the end, as the giant's hands raised up. Flinching, he raised his arms, braising for the inevitable. Fear gripped his heart as his life flashed across his eyes.
So this was it, this was how his journey was going to end. He had run and bullshitted his way through success after success, dreading that one day his own lies would catch up to him. He expected it during his first fight, he had expected his end in all the others too, until he believed that he had gotten away from it all unscathed; but his hubris would be his undoing.
Having faked his own death and using the many connections he made, he had hidden away, wasting away on a paradise world with his lover, his sweet Amberly, so that he might fade into obscurity so the madness could finally stop. It was paradise there, an idyllic and boring one: just like how he liked it, but not all good things last.
Now, it ends. Ciaphas Cain to be squashed like the bug he was, but was this how he was going to face his death? Was he just going to cower like a coward? No… maybe he, the great hero of the Imperium, should perform one last lie.
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he composed himself as he breathed out. Straightening his stance to one more fitting of one of the highest decorated veterans in the Imperium, he decided to face death with dignity. Standing in attention with his drinks in his hand and a shaky, yet charming smile across his face, he looked back at the giant's eyes… and found them waving at him with a rather friendly smile in return.
"Hello!" The strange being greeted with a voice that was loud enough and clear enough that he'd have no difficulty hearing them anywhere on this planet, but not so loud as to flatten everything.
Gathering his wits and snapping himself out of the surprise, he puffed his chest as he greeted back, "Ho there strange xenos! You seem rather lost. Don't you know this is Imperium space?" He kept his confident smile, refusing to show any sign of weakness. He was currently unarmed, as his bolter was inside his hut, something his mentor would have been screaming at him for, what was a commissar without their weapon? He needed to get this Xenos away at any cost.
"Oh, is that where this is?" The green giant replied as a look of relief washed over them. Throwing their free hands up in the air, they then whooped in joy, "Thank god, civilization!"
Taken aback by the strange xeno's reaction, he cautioned, "You… seem lost?" This might just have been the strangest possible reason why they would be there but it wasn't out of the question. Everyone made mistakes, and this in one particular might have just taken a wrong turn. He could work with this.
Rubbing the back of his head, he chuckled, "Yeah, long story bud, but I'm kinda in a pickle here," Raising the woman in his arms, the xenos then asked, "Do you know of any hospitals around here? She really needs some help."
Looking at the woman, he couldn't help but wince. The Aeldari looked like she had just been pulled out of the swamps of the rotten grandfather. She looked deathly pale and like she was already one step through death's door.
Sighing, the poor xenos explained, "Found her in this rusted cage of all things. Don't want her catching tetanus cause looking at it almost gave me one!" That… did not bode well. He had dealt with the Aeldari kind long enough to know that the forces of chaos would go to great lengths in capturing one, and she might have just encountered the second worst bunch of the lot.
Scratching his head, he replied, "Unfortunately… we only have human Medicae's here and those that know Aeldar Biology…" She was in need of urgent care, no doubt, but a plague was not something this world could handle. Even then, the people that could potentially help her would not be so kind.
"But fret not my friend, I'm sure you'd find help somewhere else!" He then said, hoping that they went away now. They meant no harm, but harm would come to them if they stayed and that did not sound good given that the xenos was… well, a giant frog in the sky.
"Damn it," The Xeno's cursed, their shoulders sagging before they perked up as a strangely familiar bodiless head floated beside them. He refused to look in their direction, hoping to preserve what little sanity he had left.
"Wait, what's that, Red? Ask the man where to go on the Webway?" The xenos told the head before they frowned as the two started arguing, "Wait, weren't you guiding me? Oh don't sass me, you little shit!"
"Did you just say you're in the Webway?" He asked in surprise. There was an Aeldari Webway Portal here of all things? Frowning, he realized the folly of that question. Of course there was one here since this was his chosen retirement plan! The question now was why was a giant anthropomorphic frog was talking to him from the webway, and how?
It wasn't like they could open one at any point in space. There were specific portals, from what he remembered. Could this be one of those elaborate Aeldari plots? One made specifically to mess with him?
"Wait, you know the Webway?" They asked before glaring at their mysterious, and definitely not cyclopean, companion. "Finally, someone that I can ask directions from, unlike a certain someone!"
"Sure…?" He replied. Admittedly, he really didn't know much about the mysterious webway that the Aeldari used, but considering they popped out just about everywhere, it was best to assume that there was one in just about every corner of the galaxy.
"I think the nearest Aeldari Craftworld should be… huh," He racked his brain on any location he was sure there was Aeldari near and, fortunately, he didn't have to think for too long. "Well, you're in luck my friend! There should be an Aeldari settlement nearby. Just head in… that direction and you'll find Craftworld Ulthaine," He then told them as he pointed at a spot in the sky where they should be if his star map knowledge was still up to date. It was decades old information, but that should have been a good direction to follow.
The xenos turned around before blinking. "Oh huh, I didn't notice that path before, but thanks for the tip! Sorry to bother you and all so I should go away now," He said as he turned around and thanked him. Smiling at him, the strangely peaceful xenos then asked, "And oh by the way, before I forget, what's your name? My ma called me Kermit."
Kermit… What a strange name, but one that he'd remember given how he had just averted disaster without even raising a single finger! That was quite the improvement he had to say. Maybe he could write another book, but that was for future him to worry about. Puffing his chest, he then replied, "Cain, Caiphas Cain!"
He let his name be known despite the danger of him being exposed to the dangers of returning back to service. It wasn't like his name would mean much to a Xenos like him.
"Sick name dude!" The xenos then complimented. He wasn't sure why his name was sick, but it was probably slang from the xenos strange tongue. That reminds him, how could he understand them? Looking at their lips, they do not look like they were speaking High Gothic. Were they speaking directly to his mind? "Definitely going to pay you back one day! I uhh… don't have anything on me right now," The xenos promised.
"It's not a problem?" He replied, not really expecting much from it. It's not like they could give him something of value. Still, a favor was a favor so might as well, but it would be better if they just went away. His smile was feeling strained as it was, and he really wanted to get back to laying down. His back was not as good as it once was.
Scratching the back of his head, the giant frog then asked, "Also… this might be a bit much but can I have that Sandwich over there?" Before they pointed at the half forgotten meal he had. He was going to eat that before they disturbed his meal, "Haven't eaten anything since I got here."
Shrugging, he replied, "I'm not sure how that'll wor-! Nevermind," only to back away as the hand reached out, shrinking as it got nearer to the sandwich. It was as if he was looking at some forced perspective painting and he was inside it. The hand not only grew back as it was pulled up to the sky, so did the sandwich, growing to a size that would dwarf a moon, by his very own estimate.
"'I'm really sorry! I'll really pay you back one day!" The xenos shouted as they pulled away with the portal closing behind them. Finally, they left, earning a sigh of relief for them.
As he looked up at the spot in the sky where they once stood, his mind wandered,"That Sandwich could have fed an entire sector…" Just one sandwich was all he needed and he could feed so many people. Maybe he could ask for them to supersize a sandwich for him as a payment, but that would mean asking them to come back.
Shaking his head, he decided to just forget all about it as he returned back to his chair. His skin wasn't going to get itself tanned on its own after all! Just as he was about to lay back down, his lover would come running from forest cover with lasgun in hand.
"Cain! Cain!" his sweet Amberly shouted as she crashed into him and pulled him tightly for a hug, "Oh thank the Emperor you're alright!" Turning to the sky, he then told him, "I already called the PDF over, I'm not sure if they'll help but we can still mount a defense once the giant Xenos comes back."
"Now now Amberly," He replied with a soft chuckle. Gently stroking her silver mane, he reassured her, "Do you really think something like that would put me down? I'm Ciaphas Cain after all," Her presence was all he needed to calm his heart, for his breath was taken away every time he gazed at her. Despite the wrinkles in her features, she was still as lovely as ever.
"Worry not my love, I've already sent the monster away to the foul Aelderi's way," He replied. Kermit was their problem now. "In fact, I'm pretty sure I sent… them…" he then said before trailing off as he remembered where exactly he pointed them at. "Ohh fuck,"
He pulled away from this grasp as he clutched his head, panic quickly overwhelming. "Oh fuck! Why the hell did I send them there! There's dozens of other sightings, but why there?!" He cursed out as he paced around, wondering what he should do. He fucked up, he fucked up worse than any other fuck up in his long and lie filled career.
"Cain?" Amberly asked as she walked up to him, arms crossed across her chest, "What the fuck did you do!"
Wincing at her tone, he slowly turned around as he told her, "I may or may not have sent them in the general direction of Cadia," He had just sent a giant unknown Xenos directly to the gates of Cadia and this was all his fault. He needed to fix this and he needed to fix this fast. "Honey, pack your bags and give me back my coat. I'm coming out of retirement!"
"You better, because I swear if as much as a single stone in Cadia breaks, I'm going to break your back!" His wife threatened him, forcing him to his feet as they made a run for their hut. He made a giant mess but, this time around, he was going to set things right. He might be no true hero, but someone had to warn everyone.
"What a nice man, that Cain guy," Kermit said to his companion while he chewed on much needed food. He had been walking on an empty stomach all this time and he needed something, anything to get him going. It just so happened that he somehow stumbled upon that man and, not only did they actually know the way around, but they also had a Sandwich and it was the tastiest piece of meat, vegetables and sauce in between two slices of bread he'd ever tasted.
Unfortunately, while the portal led to a beach of all places, it simply wasn't big enough for him and the man did look terrified just seeing him. At least he knew that there were still humans around, even if he didn't look human anymore, and that they still had the same food he enjoyed. Biting down on the sandwich, he unashamedly moaned out.
He didn't know what it was in that bread, but the meat tasted like chicken if it had the flavor profile of Beef. Just meaty goodness with the texture of chicken. He wanted more, but he also had two companions to feed as well. Offering two thirds of the sandwich to the fairy, he told her, "Hey, wake up. Got some food. Should help with the sniffles." Soup would have been better, but beggars couldn't be choosers.
Slowly, they stirred awake, smiling up at him shakily as he coughed. She was roughed up but she was gaining more of a healthier complexion. Maybe he didn't even need to bring her to this "Craftworld Ulthaine", but better to be safe than sorry. Watching her nibble on the sandwich, he laughed as the tiny woman made all sorts of weird and strange faces, yet she powered through, "Take your time, it ain't going anywhere," He reminded as he chuckled. It was a bit tangy and heavy on the spices, but it was not that strong right?
Shaking his head, he then turned towards Red. Seeing them sulk from not knowing where they were at least made up for the headache they caused if they had just warned them they didn't know where to go. Was it really that hard for them to admit they were wrong? Still, they were just trying their best, so he couldn't hold that against them. Calling out to them, he then asked, "Hey, want a bite?"
Red turned towards them slowly, still looking a bit apprehensive from the looks of it. "Oh come on, do you really think I'd stay mad? Come here you!" He laughed as he reached out and ruffled their fuzzy top. Their protest only made them all the more adorable as they hissed and spit at them. "Alright, alright, I won't give you headpats… for now," He then said.
Red let out a huff of indignation as they turned around, refusing to meet their gaze. Truly, they were too cute for their own good.
Turning back his attention to the path ahead, he could see the same swirling entrance he slammed into when he fled from that void creature yesterday. It was certainly a pretty sight. Maybe that's why this Craftworld was near it. Probably enjoying the view and everything. Now, if only he could get there faster.
Humming, he thought back to the earlier experience he had. Just when he had that emotional outburst, a portal of all things opened up but that couldn't be the case right? It shouldn't be possible that he could just say something and the world would follow, but stranger things had happened. Maybe this was how the world worked here?
"Hey Red," He called out before asking hesitantly, unsure if he'd sound crazy, "Did… I do that? The portal thingy?"
Surprisingly, his companion would chime in agreement, "Hey!"
"Really? Huh… that could be useful," He replied. If he could just will himself to get to his destination, he'd no longer have to deal with all the walking. He might not tire, but his feet were certainly killing him now, and it didn't help that he had this strong pain in his ass. Maybe he pulled a muscle? Well, whatever it was, he needed a place so he could sit down and getting to this Ulthaine sounded like the best way to do so. He just needed to recreate that one instant earlier.
"Ok, what the hell did I do," he asked himself as he closed his eyes. He briefly remembered that feeling, that explosive and energetic shout he made just before that portal opened. There was that feeling, that need or rather the will to just have it happened.
"Craftworld Ulthaine!" He shouted, trying to think about the place but it wasn't clicking. Maybe he needed to visualize it as well? "Um, Hospital! House!" he shouted a few more times but he was getting nowhere. He'd try several more but they were just as unsuccessful as the last which just left him all frustrated, "Damn it!"
Shaking his head, he shouted, "Is it really that Universe? Just open me a portal to a goddamn City-!" Which was when the universe thought it would be a funny idea to open a portal directly below him. He screamed as he fell down a large cavern into another part of the webway. It would have been fine if not for the spikes down below.
With no time to think, he turned around and screwed his eyes shut as he braced himself for impact. Shielding his companions with his body, he crashed hard against the dark jagged surface. Thankfully, his skin was tougher than it looked as he felt the spikes break against his body, but that didn't not help him when he finally hit the ground.
"Oof!" he breathed out as the crash knocked the wind out of him. Tucking himself into a protective ball, he tumbled around, crashing every which way before he finally came to a stop.
Wincing, he slowly uncurled himself before laying flat on his back, groaning at all the jagged bits poking his back. As he opened his eyes, however, things would take a strange turn. "What the hell…" He whispered as he stared back at the surprised face of the tiniest human he'd ever seen right before his eyes. Behind them was the hall of a half destroyed colosseum that was far more fit for ants. Did… did he just land himself in Lilliput?
A/N:
Oh Kermit, the only person that has your luck is Ciaphas Cain... which he met! He's a great guy and pretty adaptable as well as he literally made a giant, reality bending frog go away, with a sandwich. To be fair, that Sandwich is a good one. It's A G.L.T Sandwich (Grox Lettuce and Tomatoes), 10 out of 10, Kermit recommends. "It taste like beef mixed with Chicken!" - Kermit
Anyways, I'd like to thank @vyor making this possible. Praise be Vyor because without him laughing, I wouldn't know which idea has potential. Now if you want to support or want to read some fic chapters in advance, consider dropping by either Patreon or Ko-Fi. Without my patreons, I wouldn't have been able to write this.
Sleep would be but a brief respite for him as he felt himself stir awake. As he laid there against the cold and strangely soft ground, groaning as a deep seated weariness spread over his body, he wondered if it was all just a dream. Maybe he'd just vividly dreamt the whole thing after forcing his body to swim that hard. After all, it'd been ages since he last swam and he had swam as hard as his legs could handle.
"Wake up!"
Yes, he's probably in his hotel room, having passed out from the excitement of yesterday. Surely he wouldn't have fallen through a portal and found himself in the void of space with nothing but a black hole as his island? It was simply too fantastical given what he had experienced afterwards. The lights, the creature from the void, the portal to a whole other realm, and those four? Surely it was all just a dream; yet a small seed of doubt wormed its way into his mind.
"Wake up!"
For a moment, he paused. There was that voice again. He was pretty sure he came alone on the trip. He wouldn't have anyone else in his room, right? He wasn't the type to invite someone over, after all, especially how the voice sounded like that of a young man.
"Wake up!"
Hearing their call, fear started to grip his heart. Who was that? What if he wasn't in his room anymore? What if it wasn't a dream? What if it was all real?
Shaking his head, he scrunched his eyes close as he buried his face on the soft ground. Maybe if he didn't open his eyes, he wouldn't see the truth! Yes, indeed, he could just stay there… but he could feel nature calling and his stomach was rumbling. There was also a sharp pain in his ass, like a bruise on one of the cheeks that needed attention. He needed to get up and he wouldn't be given a chance to do it slowly as he suddenly felt something slam into his closed eyes.
"Wake up!"
"Gah!?" He flailed about, clutching his eyes as he jumped to his feet. Rubbing his eyes, he shook his head, doing his best to clear his eyes. As the pain subsided, he finally got to see his surroundings and he could only fall down to his knees. He was not in the seaside hotel room he rented in Honolulu, instead finding himself inside a tunnel amidst a turbulent psychedelic sea.
Looking down to his trembling hands, he found not the limbs of a man but the thin limbs of some amphibian."Oh god, it wasn't a dream," He whispered in horror as he covered his face, feeling the changes that had happened to his body.
It was only now that he truly grasped the gravity of his situation, of how he had been twisted into a new form and all he could do was despair, "No, no, no…"
Clenching his fist, he then punched himself, snapping him out of the doom spiral he found himself in. "No! Bad Kermit, don't panic!" He told himself as he slapped himself in the cheeks, scolding himself, "Ok! Don't panic, panicking won't get you anywhere."
"Hey!"
A tiny voice would call out, making his whirl around to find a familiar dot of light greeting him. "Red! Oh thank god you're here," He sighed out in relief before terror filled his veins once more. "Wait, Where are the rest of you?!" His stars, his guidings lights, were not on his person.
His panic would be short-lived as Red suddenly swooped up before slamming down on his head, forcing him to look down and there he would find his lights on the ground. Strewn across the strange semi transparent ground, "Oh thank heavens," He whispered as he reached out, grabbing them.
As if they were stirred awake, all of them flowed up to his hands, orbiting themselves around him as before. It was strange that he found comfort in their lights. Maybe it was their soft glow or maybe it was because he knew they were alive, but one thing was clear at the very least; they were the only semblance of sanity he found in this strange realm. "I'll never lose you guys again." He told them.
"Hey!"
The voice would call out again, slapping him across the cheeks again. "Damn it, stop!" He told Red as it pushed against his face. He resisted at first as he was still checking on his collection of lights, but Red was quite insistent. Sighing, he relented, turning to where Red was pushing him just briefly before returning back to the others, "Ok, ok, I'll take a look," What he'd see soon after made him quickly reconsider.
There on the ground was a rusted bird cage with the largest light he had yet seen trapped inside. What was worse was the light from the being was fading, pulsing weakly as if gasping for air. "Shit, Fuck!" He cursed as he rushed to the cage.
He grabbed it, heedless of the danger that jagged and rusted metal bars brought. It stung his hands, but he pushed through, pulling it apart with surprising ease. Prying the bars open, he reached out and slowly pulled out the light within, "Don't worry buddy, Kermit's gotcha."
As he pulled them close to his chest, he realized that the light he pulled up wasn't just some shapeless blob but one in the shape of a small, hand-sized woman. Curled into a ball and shaking terribly, the fairy looked terrible. She looked green around the gills, somewhat literally at that with a green complexion, and terribly hot to the touch.
"What the hell happened to you?" He asked as he held her, "Well, whatever it was, I need to get you somewhere safe!" He continued as he looked around and wondered where he was going to go now.
The man(?) sized tunnel was just big enough to allow him to walk about comfortably, even if he had someone else walking by his side. Looking further ahead, he'd see the long winding path was lined with various branching paths of different sizes. Some were no smaller than a pin prick while others were just as big as his head. It was a confusing labyrinthian mess and he was in the center of it all.
"Hey!"
"Oh right, Red!" He whirled around as the light bobbed up and down ahead of him, "What is it?"
He wasn't quite sure what they wanted to do but with how they were heading down one of the paths and coming back to him, they might know a way? "Wait, you know your way around here?" He asked.
Red would warble about, almost looking like it was saying that they knew it… mostly. "Well considering that I don't even know where the hell I am, might as well!" He shrugged as he followed along, eliciting a tinkling cry of relief and excitement from Red.
Shaking his head, he said, "This is going to be one confusing game of charades considering your body is just a blob…?" Peering closer, he found that they were not just a shapeless blob but, unlike the full bodied fairy, he was but a floating and one eyed, almost featureless head, of a man. "Well, all head, but we're going to work something out right?"
"Hey!"
"That's the spirit Red," He chuckled, feeling his spirits lifted. Things weren't looking so bleak now that he had people with him. "You, Me, and Lady over here, We'll get through this! All of us," He promised them as he marched along, hoping to find something ,or someplace, to rest because the Little Lady wasn't looking too hot at that moment.
It was strange that, no matter how far they had walked, he wasn't getting tired. Yes, his stomach was quite empty and he was feeling parched, but it wasn't all that bad. It felt like they had walked an eternity, but such was always the case when the path they traveled through was just some desolate, featureless tunnel. Maybe it was just his mind playing tricks.
Looking up to the semi transparent ceiling, he wondered what was out there. He could see shapes, like small schools of fishes, swimming by in the strange rainbow sea. There were some big ones, almost the size of those four, but they didn't bother him. It was as if the walls themselves kept him from being seen. Not wanting to press his luck, he ignored them just as they ignored him.
Of course, it wasn't all boring as, from time to time, he'd see some strange rainbow star poke out of the holes before shrieking out and jumping back in. Where did those lights come from? They certainly didn't look native in the sea, seeing as some of the lights out there got gobbled up by those dirty shapes swimming about.
Looking back to Red, they were certainly looking a bit shaky. "Hey Red!" he called out, making the little light jump in surprise, "Do you know where we are?" He then asked.
He was met with silence and frantic flight before he clarified, "No, not where we are right now but what this place is called. This thing doesn't look like it's natural," It certainly wasn't in his eyes at least. It felt like the whole place was a corridor carved into the very sea itself, "It's strange you know, it feels like this place was built for me in mind…" he mused.
This seems to be a surprise for Red as it zipped back to him and started measuring him of all things. They would then measure the width and height of the tunnel, exclaiming in intrigue, "Hey!"
"Maybe there's more of me around?" He said out loud. Maybe it was just a desperate hope on his part but he shouldn't be alone right? It would be strange if he was the only one normal sized person there, especially with how vast and labyrinthian this place was.
Red's light seemed to dim for a bit before they started vibrating, intensifying in brightness as they forced out two words, "Web! Way!"
It took him by surprise, but it was a welcome one as he reached out and gave them a pat on the head, "Hey, you're getting better at this," He praised them, making them hiss and let out angry noises which was more of an adorable sight than anything. Chuckling, he shook his head. He continued walking, not minding the fairy as they kept sneezing. At least they were not as hot as before and their glow was far brighter now.
"The Webway?" He said out in wonder as he found the path widening before him as the numbers of pockmarks on the wall grew, "Huh, that certainly doesn't bode well. It feels like it's going to take us forever to get wherever you're taking me!" He exclaimed as his voice echoed through the hallway.
"Come on universe! Give me a bone here!" He shouted, feeling frustrated at the lack of progress made. "Give me something, anything! A way back to the beach would be nice!" He hollered only to cry out in surprise as one of the holes to the side lit up.
"Hey!"
Shielding his little companion and red with his body, he looked back at the glowing portal in fear. His companion, however, was not so afraid as it danced around in excitement, letting out whoops and whistles of happiness. Curiosity soon overcame his apprehension as he slowly inch towards the light, wondering what got his companion so excited.
"Hey… what's that?" He asked as he got closer to the portal. Inside the fist sized hole was what he thought was blue skies. His suspicions would be proven correct as he saw thick fluffy clouds and the tiniest birds crying from beyond. Excitement filled his body as he rushed forward towards the sounds of crashing wave but what greeted him on the other side was not what he expected
"Wait, what?"
"Wait, what?" That was the thought that filled a lone man as he stared up to the heavens and found the eye of a great xenos… frog staring back at him from beyond the clouds.
In all his time as a Commissar, and beyond his career as one, Ciaphas Cain had never seen such an absurd sight. He had fought xenos of all kinds and daemons beyond imagining, but to see such a massive one staring at him through a tear in time and space was not something he expected on a lazy afternoon day in his twilight years. Briefly, he looked down at his Pina Colada and wondered if the Amasec he used had gone off before he looked back up.
No, the frog was still there and he was definitely sure hadn't drank enough to start hallucinating. Slowly the giant pulled back revealing a strange amphibian face and a sickly eldar, one that was dwarfed by the giant, held in their clutch. For a moment, he thought this was the end, as the giant's hands raised up. Flinching, he raised his arms, braising for the inevitable. Fear gripped his heart as his life flashed across his eyes.
So this was it, this was how his journey was going to end. He had run and bullshitted his way through success after success, dreading that one day his own lies would catch up to him. He expected it during his first fight, he had expected his end in all the others too, until he believed that he had gotten away from it all unscathed; but his hubris would be his undoing.
Having faked his own death and using the many connections he made, he had hidden away, wasting away on a paradise world with his lover, his sweet Amberly, so that he might fade into obscurity so the madness could finally stop. It was paradise there, an idyllic and boring one: just like how he liked it, but not all good things last.
Now, it ends. Ciaphas Cain to be squashed like the bug he was, but was this how he was going to face his death? Was he just going to cower like a coward? No… maybe he, the great hero of the Imperium, should perform one last lie.
Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he composed himself as he breathed out. Straightening his stance to one more fitting of one of the highest decorated veterans in the Imperium, he decided to face death with dignity. Standing in attention with his drinks in his hand and a shaky, yet charming smile across his face, he looked back at the giant's eyes… and found them waving at him with a rather friendly smile in return.
"Hello!" The strange being greeted with a voice that was loud enough and clear enough that he'd have no difficulty hearing them anywhere on this planet, but not so loud as to flatten everything.
Gathering his wits and snapping himself out of the surprise, he puffed his chest as he greeted back, "Ho there strange xenos! You seem rather lost. Don't you know this is Imperium space?" He kept his confident smile, refusing to show any sign of weakness. He was currently unarmed, as his bolter was inside his hut, something his mentor would have been screaming at him for, what was a commissar without their weapon? He needed to get this Xenos away at any cost.
"Oh, is that where this is?" The green giant replied as a look of relief washed over them. Throwing their free hands up in the air, they then whooped in joy, "Thank god, civilization!"
Taken aback by the strange xeno's reaction, he cautioned, "You… seem lost?" This might just have been the strangest possible reason why they would be there but it wasn't out of the question. Everyone made mistakes, and this in one particular might have just taken a wrong turn. He could work with this.
Rubbing the back of his head, he chuckled, "Yeah, long story bud, but I'm kinda in a pickle here," Raising the woman in his arms, the xenos then asked, "Do you know of any hospitals around here? She really needs some help."
Looking at the woman, he couldn't help but wince. The Aeldari looked like she had just been pulled out of the swamps of the rotten grandfather. She looked deathly pale and like she was already one step through death's door.
Sighing, the poor xenos explained, "Found her in this rusted cage of all things. Don't want her catching tetanus cause looking at it almost gave me one!" That… did not bode well. He had dealt with the Aeldari kind long enough to know that the forces of chaos would go to great lengths in capturing one, and she might have just encountered the second worst bunch of the lot.
Scratching his head, he replied, "Unfortunately… we only have human Medicae's here and those that know Aeldar Biology…" She was in need of urgent care, no doubt, but a plague was not something this world could handle. Even then, the people that could potentially help her would not be so kind.
"But fret not my friend, I'm sure you'd find help somewhere else!" He then said, hoping that they went away now. They meant no harm, but harm would come to them if they stayed and that did not sound good given that the xenos was… well, a giant frog in the sky.
"Damn it," The Xeno's cursed, their shoulders sagging before they perked up as a strangely familiar bodiless head floated beside them. He refused to look in their direction, hoping to preserve what little sanity he had left.
"Wait, what's that, Red? Ask the man where to go on the Webway?" The xenos told the head before they frowned as the two started arguing, "Wait, weren't you guiding me? Oh don't sass me, you little shit!"
"Did you just say you're in the Webway?" He asked in surprise. There was an Aeldari Webway Portal here of all things? Frowning, he realized the folly of that question. Of course there was one here since this was his chosen retirement plan! The question now was why was a giant anthropomorphic frog was talking to him from the webway, and how?
It wasn't like they could open one at any point in space. There were specific portals, from what he remembered. Could this be one of those elaborate Aeldari plots? One made specifically to mess with him?
"Wait, you know the Webway?" They asked before glaring at their mysterious, and definitely not cyclopean, companion. "Finally, someone that I can ask directions from, unlike a certain someone!"
"Sure…?" He replied. Admittedly, he really didn't know much about the mysterious webway that the Aeldari used, but considering they popped out just about everywhere, it was best to assume that there was one in just about every corner of the galaxy.
"I think the nearest Aeldari Craftworld should be… huh," He racked his brain on any location he was sure there was Aeldari near and, fortunately, he didn't have to think for too long. "Well, you're in luck my friend! There should be an Aeldari settlement nearby. Just head in… that direction and you'll find Craftworld Ulthaine," He then told them as he pointed at a spot in the sky where they should be if his star map knowledge was still up to date. It was decades old information, but that should have been a good direction to follow.
The xenos turned around before blinking. "Oh huh, I didn't notice that path before, but thanks for the tip! Sorry to bother you and all so I should go away now," He said as he turned around and thanked him. Smiling at him, the strangely peaceful xenos then asked, "And oh by the way, before I forget, what's your name? My ma called me Kermit."
Kermit… What a strange name, but one that he'd remember given how he had just averted disaster without even raising a single finger! That was quite the improvement he had to say. Maybe he could write another book, but that was for future him to worry about. Puffing his chest, he then replied, "Cain, Caiphas Cain!"
He let his name be known despite the danger of him being exposed to the dangers of returning back to service. It wasn't like his name would mean much to a Xenos like him.
"Sick name dude!" The xenos then complimented. He wasn't sure why his name was sick, but it was probably slang from the xenos strange tongue. That reminds him, how could he understand them? Looking at their lips, they do not look like they were speaking High Gothic. Were they speaking directly to his mind? "Definitely going to pay you back one day! I uhh… don't have anything on me right now," The xenos promised.
"It's not a problem?" He replied, not really expecting much from it. It's not like they could give him something of value. Still, a favor was a favor so might as well, but it would be better if they just went away. His smile was feeling strained as it was, and he really wanted to get back to laying down. His back was not as good as it once was.
Scratching the back of his head, the giant frog then asked, "Also… this might be a bit much but can I have that Sandwich over there?" Before they pointed at the half forgotten meal he had. He was going to eat that before they disturbed his meal, "Haven't eaten anything since I got here."
Shrugging, he replied, "I'm not sure how that'll wor-! Nevermind," only to back away as the hand reached out, shrinking as it got nearer to the sandwich. It was as if he was looking at some forced perspective painting and he was inside it. The hand not only grew back as it was pulled up to the sky, so did the sandwich, growing to a size that would dwarf a moon, by his very own estimate.
"'I'm really sorry! I'll really pay you back one day!" The xenos shouted as they pulled away with the portal closing behind them. Finally, they left, earning a sigh of relief for them.
As he looked up at the spot in the sky where they once stood, his mind wandered,"That Sandwich could have fed an entire sector…" Just one sandwich was all he needed and he could feed so many people. Maybe he could ask for them to supersize a sandwich for him as a payment, but that would mean asking them to come back.
Shaking his head, he decided to just forget all about it as he returned back to his chair. His skin wasn't going to get itself tanned on its own after all! Just as he was about to lay back down, his lover would come running from forest cover with lasgun in hand.
"Cain! Cain!" his sweet Amberly shouted as she crashed into him and pulled him tightly for a hug, "Oh thank the Emperor you're alright!" Turning to the sky, he then told him, "I already called the PDF over, I'm not sure if they'll help but we can still mount a defense once the giant Xenos comes back."
"Now now Amberly," He replied with a soft chuckle. Gently stroking her silver mane, he reassured her, "Do you really think something like that would put me down? I'm Ciaphas Cain after all," Her presence was all he needed to calm his heart, for his breath was taken away every time he gazed at her. Despite the wrinkles in her features, she was still as lovely as ever.
"Worry not my love, I've already sent the monster away to the foul Aelderi's way," He replied. Kermit was their problem now. "In fact, I'm pretty sure I sent… them…" he then said before trailing off as he remembered where exactly he pointed them at. "Ohh fuck,"
He pulled away from this grasp as he clutched his head, panic quickly overwhelming. "Oh fuck! Why the hell did I send them there! There's dozens of other sightings, but why there?!" He cursed out as he paced around, wondering what he should do. He fucked up, he fucked up worse than any other fuck up in his long and lie filled career.
"Cain?" Amberly asked as she walked up to him, arms crossed across her chest, "What the fuck did you do!"
Wincing at her tone, he slowly turned around as he told her, "I may or may not have sent them in the general direction of Cadia," He had just sent a giant unknown Xenos directly to the gates of Cadia and this was all his fault. He needed to fix this and he needed to fix this fast. "Honey, pack your bags and give me back my coat. I'm coming out of retirement!"
"You better, because I swear if as much as a single stone in Cadia breaks, I'm going to break your back!" His wife threatened him, forcing him to his feet as they made a run for their hut. He made a giant mess but, this time around, he was going to set things right. He might be no true hero, but someone had to warn everyone.
"What a nice man, that Cain guy," Kermit said to his companion while he chewed on much needed food. He had been walking on an empty stomach all this time and he needed something, anything to get him going. It just so happened that he somehow stumbled upon that man and, not only did they actually know the way around, but they also had a Sandwich and it was the tastiest piece of meat, vegetables and sauce in between two slices of bread he'd ever tasted.
Unfortunately, while the portal led to a beach of all places, it simply wasn't big enough for him and the man did look terrified just seeing him. At least he knew that there were still humans around, even if he didn't look human anymore, and that they still had the same food he enjoyed. Biting down on the sandwich, he unashamedly moaned out.
He didn't know what it was in that bread, but the meat tasted like chicken if it had the flavor profile of Beef. Just meaty goodness with the texture of chicken. He wanted more, but he also had two companions to feed as well. Offering two thirds of the sandwich to the fairy, he told her, "Hey, wake up. Got some food. Should help with the sniffles." Soup would have been better, but beggars couldn't be choosers.
Slowly, they stirred awake, smiling up at him shakily as he coughed. She was roughed up but she was gaining more of a healthier complexion. Maybe he didn't even need to bring her to this "Craftworld Ulthaine", but better to be safe than sorry. Watching her nibble on the sandwich, he laughed as the tiny woman made all sorts of weird and strange faces, yet she powered through, "Take your time, it ain't going anywhere," He reminded as he chuckled. It was a bit tangy and heavy on the spices, but it was not that strong right?
Shaking his head, he then turned towards Red. Seeing them sulk from not knowing where they were at least made up for the headache they caused if they had just warned them they didn't know where to go. Was it really that hard for them to admit they were wrong? Still, they were just trying their best, so he couldn't hold that against them. Calling out to them, he then asked, "Hey, want a bite?"
Red turned towards them slowly, still looking a bit apprehensive from the looks of it. "Oh come on, do you really think I'd stay mad? Come here you!" He laughed as he reached out and ruffled their fuzzy top. Their protest only made them all the more adorable as they hissed and spit at them. "Alright, alright, I won't give you headpats… for now," He then said.
Red let out a huff of indignation as they turned around, refusing to meet their gaze. Truly, they were too cute for their own good.
Turning back his attention to the path ahead, he could see the same swirling entrance he slammed into when he fled from that void creature yesterday. It was certainly a pretty sight. Maybe that's why this Craftworld was near it. Probably enjoying the view and everything. Now, if only he could get there faster.
Humming, he thought back to the earlier experience he had. Just when he had that emotional outburst, a portal of all things opened up but that couldn't be the case right? It shouldn't be possible that he could just say something and the world would follow, but stranger things had happened. Maybe this was how the world worked here?
"Hey Red," He called out before asking hesitantly, unsure if he'd sound crazy, "Did… I do that? The portal thingy?"
Surprisingly, his companion would chime in agreement, "Hey!"
"Really? Huh… that could be useful," He replied. If he could just will himself to get to his destination, he'd no longer have to deal with all the walking. He might not tire, but his feet were certainly killing him now, and it didn't help that he had this strong pain in his ass. Maybe he pulled a muscle? Well, whatever it was, he needed a place so he could sit down and getting to this Ulthaine sounded like the best way to do so. He just needed to recreate that one instant earlier.
"Ok, what the hell did I do," he asked himself as he closed his eyes. He briefly remembered that feeling, that explosive and energetic shout he made just before that portal opened. There was that feeling, that need or rather the will to just have it happened.
"Craftworld Ulthaine!" He shouted, trying to think about the place but it wasn't clicking. Maybe he needed to visualize it as well? "Um, Hospital! House!" he shouted a few more times but he was getting nowhere. He'd try several more but they were just as unsuccessful as the last which just left him all frustrated, "Damn it!"
Shaking his head, he shouted, "Is it really that Universe? Just open me a portal to a goddamn City-!" Which was when the universe thought it would be a funny idea to open a portal directly below him. He screamed as he fell down a large cavern into another part of the webway. It would have been fine if not for the spikes down below.
With no time to think, he turned around and screwed his eyes shut as he braced himself for impact. Shielding his companions with his body, he crashed hard against the dark jagged surface. Thankfully, his skin was tougher than it looked as he felt the spikes break against his body, but that didn't not help him when he finally hit the ground.
"Oof!" he breathed out as the crash knocked the wind out of him. Tucking himself into a protective ball, he tumbled around, crashing every which way before he finally came to a stop.
Wincing, he slowly uncurled himself before laying flat on his back, groaning at all the jagged bits poking his back. As he opened his eyes, however, things would take a strange turn. "What the hell…" He whispered as he stared back at the surprised face of the tiniest human he'd ever seen right before his eyes. Behind them was the hall of a half destroyed colosseum that was far more fit for ants. Did… did he just land himself in Lilliput?
A/N:
Oh Kermit, the only person that has your luck is Ciaphas Cain... which he met! He's a great guy and pretty adaptable as well as he literally made a giant, reality bending frog go away, with a sandwich. To be fair, that Sandwich is a good one. It's A G.L.T Sandwich (Grox Lettuce and Tomatoes), 10 out of 10, Kermit recommends. "It taste like beef mixed with Chicken!" - Kermit
Anyways, I'd like to thank @vyor making this possible. Praise be Vyor because without him laughing, I wouldn't know which idea has potential. Now if you want to support or want to read some fic chapters in advance, consider dropping by either Patreon or Ko-Fi. Without my patreons, I wouldn't have been able to write this.
verycoolname
Not actually cool
I'm pretty sure Red is Magnus.
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Nurgle is all about the apathy and despair so I'm not surprised it did nothing useful
Chloe Sullivan
Subdefective
- Location
- 1630 Revello Drive, Sunnydale CA
I don't think that's quite how Caiphas Cain acts, but I'll put it down to the reality warping field.
ThatOtherSatori
Lover of Spicy Food
- Location
- Indiana, USA
Listen, would you do any different when meeting a giant frogman partially coming out of an equally massive portal who turns out to be relatively friendly and nonviolent?
Plus, he's technically retired, man's basically on vacation and allowed to...y'know, not do the old 'fake it until you make it' stuff he's so famed for.
- Location
- inaccurate
holy shit this is my favorite thing i'm reading right now, and i am reading a lot of shit.
bloody brilliant, enjoying the characterizations and pacing.
he's an Old One, the Old Ones created/uplifted the krorks, aeldari and tyranids to fight the c'tan who were fielding the necrons. this was the War In Heaven, and its aftermath is a large part of why the galaxy is so incredibly fucked up and dangerous. the War In Heaven was on the scale of using stars as bullets.
with that context, Kermit, as an Old One, is a reality warping god on a scale that makes the gods of chaos and DA EMPRAH seem exactly like they appeared: petulant children with weird toys.
this story is going to be fun
bloody brilliant, enjoying the characterizations and pacing.
he's an Old One, the Old Ones created/uplifted the krorks, aeldari and tyranids to fight the c'tan who were fielding the necrons. this was the War In Heaven, and its aftermath is a large part of why the galaxy is so incredibly fucked up and dangerous. the War In Heaven was on the scale of using stars as bullets.
with that context, Kermit, as an Old One, is a reality warping god on a scale that makes the gods of chaos and DA EMPRAH seem exactly like they appeared: petulant children with weird toys.
this story is going to be fun
- Location
- ontario, canada
That, or Hyrule is an exodite world in 40k and Na'vi got an upgrade.
i mean we have matching colors for the 3 og warp god
Din = Khorne (power/war)
Naryu = Tzeentch (wisdom/ knowledge)
Farore = Nurgle (Courage / life)
so hyrule could be a pre Slanesh eldar craft planet
Narsauce
The Crucible Shitlord
- Location
- Here, there and everywhere
Isn't that only really a theory? Like, the Frogs did make the Eldar and the Krorks to fight the old ones, that's confirmed canon, but I'm almost entirely sure that them making the Tyranids is some fanon that people made up to explain the space locusts of unusual sizes' appearance.