If only it were that easy
***
You decide to go for the hooded figure with the box, which you bet has some sort of MacGuffin in in. The bear can wait, the miko can wait, the MacGufffin is all.
And besides, dollars to donuts says the hooded figure is behind the bear and the tied-up miko, still cussing up a storm but starting to slur a little from blood loss. So if you bash the hooded figure's head open like a Goffic pinata, the other two things will solve themselves!
Convinced of your own impeccable logic, you flash step away from the bear and in front of the hooded figure, then swing your trusty nailbat like Barry Bonds on a steroid bender. The hooded figure leaps back to dodge, your bat's golden studs millimeters away from the figure's button nose.
The hood falls as the figure does, revealing a bratty looking goth girl with youthful features and eyes wide as dinner plates. Blood red mascara runs down her foundation-cheeks in a mockery of lacrimosa.
You flash-step into her personal space, bat cocked for another swing. "Sup."
She tucks the box under one arm and blocks your swing with a wicked looking ceremonial kukri.
Your toothy grin is half trolling, half-feral now. "Yo, where'd you buy that thing from? The edgelord store?"
She pushes off of you and makes more distance. "Who are you?" She hisses.
"A hero of justice," you say back, flash-step juking her. "Who the hell are you?"
She twirls to your back off your juke and tries to stab you in the kidney. "Melody Kumatora. Why are you interfering?"
You twist and activate your diamond bod, the kukri bounces off of you with a burning sensation. Must have some sort of venom or magic bullshit. "It's my thing. What's in the box?"
She sneers and goes for your neck. "None of your concern."
You sway from her slash and push her away with a boot to the stomach. "Well now I've
gotta know."
"Unfortunate," she says, readjusting her kukri's grip with a flourish. "I was hoping to only take one life today."
The miko yells she's still alive with sass and Spanish swear words. You glance over and notice she's kinda pale.
You don't have much time to contemplate this as Melody Kumatora decides to push pace. She runs at you, low and serpentine, looking to gut you like a fish. You bat her blade away with your trusty nailbat, using the reach advantage of your weapon to keep her at bay. The two of you jockey for position: swinging and stabbing, sliding past and spinning off each other in a brutal boogie woogie.
She's pretty damn good, a cut above (heh) Piron and the pyre-fox in killer instinct and speed. To say nothing of her outspeeding the fucking Frightfur College Dropout-ass kaiju bear which is coming right at you.
Oh yeah.
Right.
That's a thing.
You flash step away from a knockout in three steps and ready your nailbat like a samurai's sword. "Guess that bear is yours," you say to Melody.
"Yukiko-san is my lovely, cutie, honeybear of a familiar," she gushes, rubbing her cheek against the foul fur of your fuzzy foe. "She enjoys sunshine, cuddles, and eating the flesh of fallen angels!"
It's always goth chicks with this edgy-kawaii shit, you think. Real landmines.
"Well I ain't got no angel flesh," you say, your body ablaze with a hot-pink battle aura. "Hope Yukiko-san likes the taste of its own teeth."
Melody scoffs. "I'd be more worried about her getting sick eating gutter trash like you. Yukiko-san, paw."
Yukiko-san the nightmare bear lowers a massive paw. Melody daintily steps on it, and is gently placed on her bear's back. It'd be cute if they weren't so fucked up.
With a sweep of her arm, Melody cries out "Destroy, my lovely Yukiko-san!"
Yukiko-san roars compliance, more flecks of oily gunk rain down on you, soak into your outfit.
You hope you don't have to dry clean this shit out.
Now that you have it's measure, you can more safely dodge the bear. Or you'd say that, if Melody hadn't traded out her kukri for a whip, and wasn't using it to spur Yukiko-san into a frenzied mass of murder.
It's got you on the back foot, dodging what you can and blocking what you must. Your diamond bod is a constant pressure on your mind, as even the aftershock feels like getting beat with a sledgehammer. Through the overwhelming pressure, you lead the thing away from the miko, not wanting her to get turned to so much chunky salsa from a stray.
+The civilians are trickling in over here,+ Alice pings you. +Status report, love?+
+Fighting a goth bitch and a giant bear,+ you ping back, as a scything blow almost takes your head off. +You know, the usual.+
There's a long pause, filled with mental microphone static. +How the bloody hell is that the usual?!+ Alice manages to pulse. +Do you need backup?+
+Nah, I got this.+ You crack Yukiko-san in the knee with your trusty nailbat, drawing a pained howl and a spray of rotted stuffing. You've finally drawn blood.
That's the good news.
The bad news is, the arterial spray of stuffing gets in your face, opening you up to get blindsided by a backhand.
Your instincts kick in just enough to get your bat up, but you feel the blow deform your side all the same. Your grin turns to a gritted-teeth grimace as your kidneys shift and your liver ends up in your throat.
The follow through sends your body skipping across the pockmarked shrine grounds. Your diamond bod bears the brunt of it, but the blow's got you moonlighting as a bouncy ball; your equilibrium is right proper fucked. You're not soft enough to go down from just one hit, but you're not eager to eat another one.
"Ohohoho~" Melody gloats from atop her monster ride. "Care to give up, o 'hero of justice'? Or would you rather my lovely Yukiko-san make mincemeat of you?"
You get back to your feet, crack your neck, and spit. "Now what kind of hero gives up that easy?"
***
[Round 2: What do you do?]
[ ] Try and knock Melody Kumatora from her high horse. She's the head of the snake, and it's Whacking Day.
[ ] Aim to cut Yukiko-san down to size. You know it can bleed, and if it bleeds you can kill it.
[ ] Phone in Alice to snatch the box while you tie Melody and Yukiko-san up. The MacGuffin is all.
