- Location
- This miserable sphere of dirt and water
- Pronouns
- They/Them
Eh, fine. Just woke up.
Blooming From A Seed To A Tree (Project Moon Crossover Quest)
- Thread starter WilyMachineKing1
- Start date
- Crossover Mature
-
- Tags
- project moon shenanigans
WilyMachineKing1
Executive Manager of Limbus Company
- Location
- Reno Nevada
Cool, hope you enjoyed the update.
Kalibrius
God of reflection
- Location
- The other side of the mirror
Syncro only
Afterall it's X calling on the memories and feeling from all that time
Forcing themselves to grow up for a short while if you will
WilyMachineKing1
Executive Manager of Limbus Company
- Location
- Reno Nevada
Alas, even with with the body's base, it will be hard as we all but a child now. In mind and emotions. Body as well.
Kalibrius
God of reflection
- Location
- The other side of the mirror
And as pointed out
Calling upoun the powers of home.......
Well before you blended in, your outer self conforming to the dress code of the world
But calling on the lingering embers in the facility and yourself makes you closer to your Origin
And as such indicates you'll be more as you were in the city than before
In short
You are a Foreigner
Merely a benign one
What you did........
Let's say old faithful and every other geyser on the planet went off early
Also to @Arkio
Apologies for the odd reference before
Really tired and loopy at the time
![Green[734]](/data/avatar/1534730845/25394-m.jpg){kind=avatar}
- Location
- USA
[X] Contain
[X] Sleep, you need it
I'm curious if we continue to suppress and contain Servants, would it extend Irisviel's lifespan? Because if X is rerouting the pathway of dead servants, wouldn't that mean she would not loose human functionality ?
[X] Sleep, you need it
I'm curious if we continue to suppress and contain Servants, would it extend Irisviel's lifespan? Because if X is rerouting the pathway of dead servants, wouldn't that mean she would not loose human functionality ?
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Well, seems like I'm going to take the role of typo chaser for this fic, it's written well enough that my dislike of them doesn't simply makes me flee, but I can't help to react and want them gone, so:
One around you too much, probably should remove the first one.
Either *what those depiction of children of nobility where wearing*, or simply remove the wearing at the end.
You should have gone in a multiple paragraphs rant long about how they were *too thick, too crude, to be pistols* and all that there...
Ok, more seriously, you should add a *it's*, *but it's the best description for them*.
Sentence is a little awkward here, wrong tenses and some other little things, I'd go with: *Already, you were firing upon him, your bullets formed from the concept that was The Funeral of Dead Butterflies, as the Raving mad man began complaining and accusing you of such hypocritical things*
*There also were the troublesome* and *was displaying right now*, first one has *the abilities* as the subject, so plural, second one is about Caster, so singular, and tense should be consistent.
In fact, the entire paragraph has tense problems:
*Besides the energy blasts that were like the dark magic of the Azure Hermit, who you watched a recoding of when you heard about a fourth Magical girl abnormality*.
And you seem to be missing something there, what is there besides that? The way you continue:
is disconnected due to the though and the period. Yes, it's obviously supposed to be the thing beside, but the sentence structure makes it feels as if it isn't and that creates a dissonance.
As such, I'd go with:
*Besides the energy blasts that were like the dark magic of the Azure Hermit, who you watched a recording of when you heard about a fourth Magical girl abnormality, he also began summoning things that he called Horrors, these ones reminding you of the Indigo Ordeals, mainly because it felt eldritch, really.*
*They fell all the same*
Probably should remove the And if you want to begin a new sentence, and there's no need for the firing at the end. You could also decide to replace the Then by a Finally, you just used then in the previous sentence.
*to torment me*
If you want to really make it seems as if he's screaming that last one, you should go for: *Answer me, damn you!!!*
Yeah, just the addition of one coma and some exclamation points can do a lot.
*Of one who calls himself God*, he's still doing it right now, and isn't going to stop, so it's present tense.
I mean, Contain is our job, and we tend to execute to contain during it...
*You were hoping beyond any hope that some of the children would be alive enough to be saved and able to see tomorrow, if not....*
A subtle little change I want to point out by the way, since it happens here and is one mistake that quite a lot of native speakers do:
There is actually a rule about the number of periods to use when you go *...*, it's always three, the thing being that if you are doing it at the end of a sentence, you also add the period that indicate the end of the sentence after the *...*, leading to four periods, like this *....*.
Here you had 5, it's not something people will really see, but when you're already in *mistakes searching mode* like I was, it stands out.
You should remove the coma after the first so, the expression is *So began*, and I would go with *at least those who can still be saved, as for the ones that can't...*
And the way this parts flows with what follows, you can use just three periods and have the rest be the end of the sentence.
*Help you make*, you have the had earlier for your tense, the conjugation is *had... to help you make*.
*that flew into*
No need for the *to do*.
*You made their passing as peaceful as you can, turning them into butterflies so that they can return to their families.*
*only increase*, the did is already there to show you're using past tense.
Either *with Funeral* or *between Funeral and you*.
You can remove the *and so you called the police* at the end, you already established that you were going to at the beginning, it flows better as *allowing you to do so*.
*Once you were done*
Will read the comments and vote later, right now, I want to tell you a little thing:
So, you do seem to have a grasp of English but clearly aren't a native speaker, this is fine, you are already doing one of the biggest thing you could to increase how well you speak it, practicing in a real situation.
But I want to tell you that you should get one or more Betas, ones that are willing to explain your mistakes, it will help a lot, unfortunately, I don't think I can do it, between the fact that I am European and as such don't have the same times when I'm active, I don't think I have the patience, and spend most of the week posting from a phone most of the time, which makes that kind of things a nightmare.
You can simply ask in the thread if you want more betas, I'm sure some people will be willing to help.
You do write well enough to be engaging, and your mistakes aren't egregious enough to make me flee, which is a good sign since my standards can get quite high, so, don't get discouraged, continue practicing, and good luck.
Edit:
Ok, that one is important so I'm pointing it out right now:
This is a strong incentive to be very careful to not send all servants we kill to the grail, because it deteriorate Irris' state for each servants sent in.
*Then all the more*, you can use then all the more, or all the better, but not both at the same time.
One around you too much, probably should remove the first one.
Either *what those depiction of children of nobility where wearing*, or simply remove the wearing at the end.
You should have gone in a multiple paragraphs rant long about how they were *too thick, too crude, to be pistols* and all that there...
Ok, more seriously, you should add a *it's*, *but it's the best description for them*.
Sentence is a little awkward here, wrong tenses and some other little things, I'd go with: *Already, you were firing upon him, your bullets formed from the concept that was The Funeral of Dead Butterflies, as the Raving mad man began complaining and accusing you of such hypocritical things*
*There also were the troublesome* and *was displaying right now*, first one has *the abilities* as the subject, so plural, second one is about Caster, so singular, and tense should be consistent.
In fact, the entire paragraph has tense problems:
*Besides the energy blasts that were like the dark magic of the Azure Hermit, who you watched a recoding of when you heard about a fourth Magical girl abnormality*.
And you seem to be missing something there, what is there besides that? The way you continue:
is disconnected due to the though and the period. Yes, it's obviously supposed to be the thing beside, but the sentence structure makes it feels as if it isn't and that creates a dissonance.
As such, I'd go with:
*Besides the energy blasts that were like the dark magic of the Azure Hermit, who you watched a recording of when you heard about a fourth Magical girl abnormality, he also began summoning things that he called Horrors, these ones reminding you of the Indigo Ordeals, mainly because it felt eldritch, really.*
*They fell all the same*
Probably should remove the And if you want to begin a new sentence, and there's no need for the firing at the end. You could also decide to replace the Then by a Finally, you just used then in the previous sentence.
*to torment me*
If you want to really make it seems as if he's screaming that last one, you should go for: *Answer me, damn you!!!*
Yeah, just the addition of one coma and some exclamation points can do a lot.
*Of one who calls himself God*, he's still doing it right now, and isn't going to stop, so it's present tense.
I mean, Contain is our job, and we tend to execute to contain during it...
*You were hoping beyond any hope that some of the children would be alive enough to be saved and able to see tomorrow, if not....*
A subtle little change I want to point out by the way, since it happens here and is one mistake that quite a lot of native speakers do:
There is actually a rule about the number of periods to use when you go *...*, it's always three, the thing being that if you are doing it at the end of a sentence, you also add the period that indicate the end of the sentence after the *...*, leading to four periods, like this *....*.
Here you had 5, it's not something people will really see, but when you're already in *mistakes searching mode* like I was, it stands out.
You should remove the coma after the first so, the expression is *So began*, and I would go with *at least those who can still be saved, as for the ones that can't...*
And the way this parts flows with what follows, you can use just three periods and have the rest be the end of the sentence.
*Help you make*, you have the had earlier for your tense, the conjugation is *had... to help you make*.
*that flew into*
No need for the *to do*.
*You made their passing as peaceful as you can, turning them into butterflies so that they can return to their families.*
*only increase*, the did is already there to show you're using past tense.
Either *with Funeral* or *between Funeral and you*.
You can remove the *and so you called the police* at the end, you already established that you were going to at the beginning, it flows better as *allowing you to do so*.
*Once you were done*
Will read the comments and vote later, right now, I want to tell you a little thing:
So, you do seem to have a grasp of English but clearly aren't a native speaker, this is fine, you are already doing one of the biggest thing you could to increase how well you speak it, practicing in a real situation.
But I want to tell you that you should get one or more Betas, ones that are willing to explain your mistakes, it will help a lot, unfortunately, I don't think I can do it, between the fact that I am European and as such don't have the same times when I'm active, I don't think I have the patience, and spend most of the week posting from a phone most of the time, which makes that kind of things a nightmare.
You can simply ask in the thread if you want more betas, I'm sure some people will be willing to help.
You do write well enough to be engaging, and your mistakes aren't egregious enough to make me flee, which is a good sign since my standards can get quite high, so, don't get discouraged, continue practicing, and good luck.
Edit:
Ok, that one is important so I'm pointing it out right now:
This is a strong incentive to be very careful to not send all servants we kill to the grail, because it deteriorate Irris' state for each servants sent in.
Last edited:
WilyMachineKing1
Executive Manager of Limbus Company
- Location
- Reno Nevada
Thank you Nyarky, I am grateful for your help and will use your criticism to improve it. I hope you enjoyed this update. This is merely your first step into you and the War and much more. Do not expect other works to stay silent. Do not expect other entities to not take part in this. Expect anything that could happen.
But for now, Rejoice! A new player has entered the game!
But for now, Rejoice! A new player has entered the game!
WilyMachineKing1
Executive Manager of Limbus Company
- Location
- Reno Nevada
*Chef's Kiss* Beautiful! Muy bueno!I make thing that i promise )
WilyMachineKing1
Executive Manager of Limbus Company
- Location
- Reno Nevada
He's not joking either. I understand them but it can be hard to read them.
Kalibrius
God of reflection
- Location
- The other side of the mirror
(Shrugs shoulders)
Like I said sesqiudpadlien loquaciousness and odd organizing
WizWitcherly
An Arbiter
- Location
- the City
- Pronouns
- They/Them
That looks awesome, good job!I make thing that i promise )
drearyArchon
Chaos Lord Chaos
- Location
- The Floor of Social Sciences
Another option would be to use a grammar checking service. I generally use Grammarly for my stuff.
Kalibrius
God of reflection
- Location
- The other side of the mirror
(Grins)
Aye but where's the fun in that
Also me and autocorrect are not on good terms
(Sheepish grin)
WizWitcherly
An Arbiter
- Location
- the City
- Pronouns
- They/Them
It's useful, but it only works to an extent.
For it to be of any substantial use you need to have a good understanding of the english language already, otherwise it makes... well, it does make a difference, but not nearly enough in my experience.
A Beta would help immensely.
WilyMachineKing1
Executive Manager of Limbus Company
- Location
- Reno Nevada
Yeah, despite me being Irish and almost always speaking English, I ain't that much good. Should ask for more help with Betas. Also, is Grammerly good as people say?
Embrace the past, break the Cycle.
I have to admit, given how your posts are, I don't think I could read a fic from you, just not to my tastes, my eyes would glaze over constantly.
Unfortunately, as I already said, I have to decline the offer, most of my week is spent using my phone to read this forum, with relatively little time on my computer that I want to use on other things, and editing with actual expectations on phone is... *shiver*, Nope, nope nope nope.
Time to vote:
[X] Plan: No Rest for the Wicked 2.0
No killsteals allowed here! We got that energy fair and square! The grail can go and sulk all it wants, it's ours!
Also, Irrisviel really don't need what she would get if we begin sending servants to the grail. This also makes it seems as if Caster wasn't defeated to the other servants, increasing our elements of surprise.
WizWitcherly
An Arbiter
- Location
- the City
- Pronouns
- They/Them
WilyMachineKing1
Executive Manager of Limbus Company
- Location
- Reno Nevada
Right, so, moving on past my quite frankly, atrocious ability to correctly structure the story. Seeing as how we are light and there's probably going to be EGO and Distortions, anyone want to play a guessing game/bet for who gets what? Just for fun really.
Kalibrius
God of reflection
- Location
- The other side of the mirror
(Snaps finger) well back to the drawing board for us
Offers open though friend
The help you give is dandy enough
Alot of you guys, galls, and non binary pals, here have untapped talent and I can say it gives me confidence in the future being better than today
Or at least this native of the land of the midnight sun thinks so, but then again can I call myself native with all the other bloodlines in me?
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- Location
- This miserable sphere of dirt and water
- Pronouns
- They/Them
Grammarly does not work for writing stories. A lot of the suggestions it gives are completely contradictory when you take anything else into account aside from the driest of obedience to the rules of grammar.
WilyMachineKing1
Executive Manager of Limbus Company
- Location
- Reno Nevada
Ah, knew it was too good to be true. Speaking of, have 2 questions Schrodinger Cat-Girl-Boy.