Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

"Your near death aside," Kei commented as they prepared to resume their journey, "I do not believe I have ever been so grateful for the presence of bats."

"I'd rather you not put my near death aside," Hazō said, "but go on, I'll bite. What makes you grateful for that screeching mass of flying murder rodents?"

"The fact that they chose to roost in that location strongly suggests that we have entered stable territory. I cannot see an entire colony choosing to roost in a place where they might be abruptly denied the possibility to hunt by a shifting layout, or, for that matter, crushed, impaled, sliced, ground to pieces, or transported deeper into the controlling entity's territory where it can unleash its servitors upon us for more creative forms of torture and/or death."

Hazō stared at her.

"Excuse me," Kei said. "Long hours spent climbing in the stygian darkness may have afflicted me with an excess of realism. It will surely recover to normal levels once we reach the surface."

"Well," Hazō said with a deliberate lightness, "you can be grateful for the presence of bats, I can be grateful for the absence of bats, and between us we can cover all the possibilities. Are you ready to keep going?"

Kei cast a glance at the direction they had come from. "Consider me to be bursting with enthusiasm."



In accordance with Kei's predictions (and in contradiction of her expectations), the pair reached the surface without further incident. Scattering nearby wildlife was one of the advantages of the Banshee seal, she supposed, just as drawing every patrolling ninja in the country was one of the disadvantages.

"What should be our next move?" Kei asked after a few minutes to collapse on the grass in a highly dignified fashion. "Assuming Akane and Yuno have survived, they will likely have assumed us dead—not unreasonably, considering the manner of our return to the Human Path—and chosen to abandon the mission and travel to Leaf, or perhaps attempted to retrieve our bodies. If they have been more optimistic, they could be waiting outside the cave entrance, or more sensibly at the nearby village."

"They'll have been more optimistic," Hazō said confidently. "Akane would never give up on either of us. You know that."

"A fair point," Kei admitted. "I was merely covering all possibilities, in accordance with your earlier policy. Additionally, while I do not believe Yuno actually considers me immortal, her belief in the Pangolin Summoner's lofty destiny is nearly as fanatical and unshakeable as Akane's belief in you."

Hazō had the decency to squirm a little.

"Let's hit the cave entrance first," he said. "If I go back to the village and reveal that I went into the cave and survived, it'll draw a lot of attention. If you go, you'll still draw attention as a stranger, especially if you start asking questions about other strangers that might have recently turned up out of nowhere."

Kei did not state the obvious. Akane and Yuno would have been forced to retreat while under attack by both golems, and a crystal capable of raising walls to obstruct any escape route. In all probability, she would soon be forced to raise the issue of how long they were prepared to wait.


It would, Kei reflected, have been a matter of grim irony had Hazō successfully escaped the clutches of an unstoppable chthonian abomination only to perish at the hands of his beloved. Akane had paused just long enough to confirm that he was (mostly) uninjured before launching into a tackle-hug that put Jūchi Yosamu's fastest pounce to shame. It was a mystery to Kei, who was versed in taijutsu only sufficiently to keep it well away from herself, how Akane could accomplish such a feat of affectionate violence without shattering a single bone.

She was able to endure the following public display of affection for approximately three seconds before her patience was exhausted and she took Yuno aside for a debriefing.

(Would Tenten desire tackle-hugs? Or Fujisawa, who seemed more the type? Should Kei add it to her list of long-term objectives?)

"…and then Akane attacked it again, but nothing really happened because it was made of rock. But once she had its attention, it started to turn, and I don't think it was very good at taijutsu, because it left an enormous opening here, so Satsuko and I used Lumberjack Prepares for a Long Winter like this…"

The key conclusions from Yuno's report, to the extent that Kei was able to absorb them as weariness began to set in, were that rock golems were bereft of blood, which was very disappointing, but that they made for challenging opponents, which helped compensate. Beyond that, it was useful to know that the Mountain Cleaver Style was devastating to armoured targets (and that "lesser weapons than Satsuko" were not), and that the crystal had been perfectly ready to spawn additional golems until the intruders were eliminated. Yuno admitted that she had been centimetres away from a vine grab which would have pulled her to her doom as she made her escape, while Akane had been forced to overdraw on chakra in order to use Substitution on their prepared targets. She was still nursing minor burns from the resulting detonation of her Flame Aura, but was apparently willing to ignore basic medical considerations for the sake of a hug from Hazō. (Then again, it would have been hypocritical to condemn her too strongly, considering what Kei was willing to endure on her quest to enable the same.)

"In conclusion," Kei said, "we came close enough to death to feel the Reaper's bony fingers brush against our skin, survived only through a combination of incredible luck and implausible firepower, and are now doubtless about to discuss whether we intend to repeat the experience, only with more firepower so as to need less luck. It is a pity Snowflake missed this, because it is indeed the very definition of a Gōketsu adventure."


You have received 3 + 1 (Brevity) = 4 XP.


It is late evening.

What do you do?

Voting closes on Oct 8, 2022 at 1:00 PM