Land of the Free (XVII century Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth Quest)

Land of the Free
or a Story about nasty foreigners
great deeds and
drunken nobles,
for the wise ones to record,
for the idiots to learn,
for the politicians to practice,
for the melancholics to entertain

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More ale Jew and be quick about it!

What's with the funny look? I said more ale, didn't you hear me?! Yes, the Warka one, not that watered down crap you're serving peasants! You're asking me if I can pay?! Jew, by the Lord, don't make me come over there and rip those damn sidelocks from that empty head of yours! Yes, of course I'll be taking the whole bloody chamber! Who'd heard of a proud defender of our beautiful land socialize with the rabble! Damn your eyes, get me my ale or I'll teach you what's like to piss off a Polish noble! Get a move on!

And who's this entering the inn like so? By God, sir, you look like a peacock ripe for shooting, hahaha! Now, now, no need to get all worked up, young sir, 'tis but a little joke, that's all! Here, in Poland, we're all equals and what's a few jokes between peers? Yes, by all means, I'd be honoured to dine with such a fine young gentleman! I must admit, you sir are the last thing I expected to see when I woke up this morning in the mud! True, I had a terrible hangover and most of my money was gone, but still it must have been one Hell of an evening!

From the way you dress and speak sir, I can clearly say you're not from around here, are you? Ah, of course, you see, besides some delicate dandies among the "high and mighty", those from Prussia and most of the royal court, almost nobody wears breeches, round brim hats or uses a rapier. Among the nobles I mean, when we're talking about commoners, who cares! Alright, MAYBE a good portion of the burghers, but that's all. For a Polish noble to dress like your ilk would be a good reason to laugh and joke at his expense!

Fine, fine, think what you will, yet that's the way things are around here! I suggest sir, that you adapt as quickly as you can, because most people around these parts may see you akin to a dancing monkey…

Which, by the way, may not be that far from the truth…

No, no, nothing, absolutely nothing!

Very well sir, I shall gladly instruct you in the ways of the land! Provided, of course, you can do something for my itchy throat… very sore, it is… needs a lot of moisture to keep it going… of course ale! Mead, wine, whatever's your pleasure! They all work equally soothing for my condition, yes, yes, very serious… oooh, that hit the spot, by God it did! Now where was I? Aah, of course, our great Commonwealth! Listen well and be sure to tell your breech loving friends back home.

How should I start explaining the Commonwealth? I'll ask a different question: what do YOU think about Poland and Lithuania? Are they a Hell for peasants? Or a Heaven for nobles? Maybe a Paradise for Jews? A Purgatory for burghers? A backwater full of drunken Poles and medieval superstitions? Well, that may be, yet tell me this: why did our "dearly" elected king Henry III of France looked so surprised, when he learned that Wawel Castle's bathrooms had access to both cold and hot water? Or when he was told, that servants don't take a dump into chimneys or on stairs, while this is commonplace in the Louvre? Wawel has a dansker dedicated to the matter since times immemorial.

True, our traditions can be a tad difficult to understand for foreigners like you. Yet none were as surprised as that French sodomite, Henry III when he was told to swear to uphold religious tolerance and never to prosecute other religions. Bloody idiot was very unhappy with that particular point, since just 2 years earlier he had the Huguenots murdered in Paris on St. Bartholomew's Day. So, when Henry said, that he will not sign any pacts guaranteeing religious tolerance, Jan Zborowski told him: if you won't sign, you won't reign! A year later, he ran off during the night like a thief, with a set of forks that were unknown in France, back to Paris when he learned of his brother's death in order to claim the French throne. Good riddance to that horse's arse!

Yes sir, foreign nations do become puzzled by the laws of our beautiful Commonwealth. It all comes down to two pillars, which hold everything in Poland and Lithuania in place. The first one is religious tolerance. Eternal peace between all denominations within the country. Thanks to this, we have no religious wars and no massacres. Remind yourself of the civil wars in France or the great war in the Holy Roman Empire next door. I also think it's a sound solution. In this country a Lutheran drinks with a Catholic in an inn owned by a Jew, a Calvinist marries an Orthodox girl, while an Arian can read the Bible without any disturbance and buy his goods from a Muslim Tatar merchant.

The second pillar is the famed aurea libertas, or Golden Freedom for the nobility. Do you even know what freedom is? Let me explain it to you. In our country every noble can say whatever it is he wants, even if it's against the current king, as long as he doesn't break any laws doing this. Nobody and I mean NOBODY, can imprison a noble without a court verdict and all courts are elected by the nobility, not by the king. Just take a look at yourself. Are you even free back in your country? You look like a noble, yet no duke or count from what I can tell. It means that the rich and powerful can do whatever the Hell they want with you. They can screw your wife or take away your lands. If you don't like the simple fact, that your better half or daughter is being humped by some baron, duke, king or cardinal even, you'll end up locked away in some godforsaken dungeon in shackles. If you lose the king's favour, you lose all your possessions and end up penniless. See where I am going?

Here, things are quite different. The king reigns, but does not rule to put it bluntly. He must respect the privileges granted to our ancestors by his predecessors. Even if he'd be a tyrant of the worst sort, he still couldn't execute nobles on a whim or confiscate their lands, nor dismiss anyone from public office because they're for life. Not to mention the fact, that a king is elected by the nobility as well.

You say all this is impossible and I'm simply making fun of you like some clown? Well then, let me tell you this: I'm no clown, but a free citizen that elects kings and deposes tyrants! I'm a truly free man, like any noble in the Commonwealth!

Our mighty country was created through a peaceful union of two great nations: the Poles and Lithuanians, which joined together to form a single Commonwealth under the rule of a monarch hailing from Lithuania. All the lands from the Baltic Sea right to the Black Sea have been our home for generations and are our pride and joy! The Crown of the Kingdom of Poland and the Grand Duchy of Lithuania are now one and nobility from both kingdoms has the same rights and privileges.

Speaking of, you sir, have never told me what country are you actually from. Too ashamed I assume, haha!

So which one is it?


[X] Kingdom of France – I should have guessed! I mean really, the French! Dandies, sodomites, powderfaced, wigheaded buffons! Did you know, that syphilis is commonly known as the "Gallic desease" or the "French desease"? "Franca" for short! This alone should tell what we think about the likes of you! Sure, a few may be useful, but it takes time for them to find some semblance of acceptance. Found mostly in courts of wealthy men and sometimes in the army as officers or specialists.


[X] Spanish Empire – Nobody expected you, that's for sure! Who would have thought someone from Iberia would find his way here! Did you know, that Spain is probably the only monarchy in Europe, that has almost as much nobility among it's population as the Commonwealth has? Or that Spanish culture was prevelant in the Polish Royal Court up untill recently? Both Catholic, both fighting heathens, we have some things in common! Most of your kind probably ended up in big courts, the military or on a ship.


[X] Kingdom of England – Think of England, of course! Did you know, that the Commonwealth sent its recruiters there a few times to raise regiments of mercenaries to fight against the Ottomans? Too bad the war was usually over before they even got back. The English have no particular presence here, yet those that do are usually merchants, officers, sailors and the like.


[X] Kingdom of Scotland – Ah, the Scots, good lads! Did you know that Scottish presence in the Commonwealth makes them the largest Western minority in the country, Germans excluded? Or that the word "Szot" in Royal Prussia became synonymous with a traveling peddlar? The country is full of villages brimming with Scottish settlers if you know where to look. Respected as diligent merchants, scholars and above all, excellent soldiers and officers, Scots have settled in well.


[X] Kingdom of Ireland – Irish you say? While not even remotely as numerous as the Scots, Irish expatriates have found their way here as well. Most are Catholics escaping prosecution from their Protestant overlords, therefore they gather sympathy. Good soldiers and officers, like their Scottish counterparts. Lucky them. Hey, did you know, that 1 out of 10 people here in the Commonwealth is a noble? Some even double that number. Back in the West it's about 1 in 20 at most. You're asking me what does this have to do with the Irish? The Hell if I know. Must be the mead talking…


[X] Republic of the Seven United Netherlands – The Dutch, I should have known! Did you know, that the only Polish navy in existence was commanded by one of your own countrymen, Admiral Arend Dijckman? Or that Polish nobles, usually Protestant ones, visit the Seven Provinces regularly to learn the great art of military engineering and artillery? The Dutch have quite the presence in big trading cities, Gdańsk being the most prominent among them and are known as fine merchants and sailors. Of course, they are greatly appreciated in the army as well, since it always sorely lacks trained engineers and artillerymen.


[X] Holy Roman Empire – German, by God I was right! When the average noble thinks of a wigheaded foreigner, a German is the first thing that comes to his mind. They can be found almost anywhere in the Commonwealth and form a majority of the population in it's northern and western parts. Did you know, that infantry regiments trained in Western military tradition are called "German" even though not a single soldier there knows a word of German? Sure, commands are given in that language and quite a few officers are of German extraction, but still… other than that, they can be found practising any profession, but it is their military tradition of supplying good infantry for the cavalry dominated Commonwealth army that makes them stand out.​

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Stats: (1-100)

Every named character has a set of regular stats. They are not permanent and can be raised or lowered during the story. Here are the main statistics:

Charisma – Your charming personality, social skills and making people think the way you want them to think are all here. Responsible for recruitment and morale.

Intelligence – I think, therefore I am… I think. A quite obvious stat, it determines your wits, quick thinking under pressure and any scholary pursuits we may wish to partake in. Responsible for military research.

Stewardship – Some say, that money talks. Its jingle is a sure way to make the blood stir for some. With this stat you can properly manage your finances and lands. Responsible for properly paying your men and managing supplies.

Valour – Single combat abilities are governed by this stat. The higher it is, the greater your skill at hurting others with weapons and fists. Also responsible for your fitness, resistance to fatigue and fear.

War – The Great and Ultimate Art: War. Responsible for commanding and ordering your troops, tactical and strategic planning and maintaining supply lines. It is one thing to move supplies from one place to another in a war zone, but a different one entirely to know what you need and to organise proper distribution.


National Characteristic: (N/A)

Every nation has their own specific national trait. It can be safely assumed, that each representative of a country has a similar, if not an identical one.


Rage Meter: (0-10)

Some story choices may be tied to the character, such as hatred of the English. Whenever you have to discard such an option (it will be marked), your frustration slowly rises. If you go against your believes (cooperation with the English for example) your Rage will take a big hit. When the Meter is full, it is treated as an active "jinx" ready to be discharged as per rules below. When this happens, it goes down to 0. Some options and events during the story will decrease the Meter without discharging.

"Jinx" - whenever you have an important skill check, there will be an additional roll. Important, as in fate of a battle, lives of many people, your own life and so on. If the roll determines that the "jinx" happens, this very important roll ends with a critical failure by default.


Skills: (1>2>3)

These are trainable abilities, that can be learned or perfected during the course of the story. The heigher the level of expertise, the longer it will take to master it. These levels are:

Basic > Advanced > Master


Traits: (N/A)

Here we have unique quirks, titles, abilities and other attributes gained during the course of the story. They are unchangeable by choice, but events may modify or even remove them.


Advantages & Disadvantages:

Predetermined during Character Creation quirks and other experiences that happened before the events of the story. Cannot be gained in other ways.​

Army Management​