My Life Can't Be This Gacha

It's a hot, dry afternoon, so the park is empty apart from the five of you, lethargic stray cats, and crows that complain about their nap time being intruded on. You'd usually prefer somewhere with more people, but after all that being stared at in the mamak place? Yeah, no thanks. And you didn't want to go home right after having come out for food, either. So the park it was!

And it wasn't like you went unprepared, anyway. Ben and Che Mat are loaded down with plastic bags of 100-Plus and Fanta fresh from the fridges of a nearby gas station( petrol kiosk) , Che Din is trying to find a way to carry a kilo of ice in the loose bit of his shirt without exposing his stomach or getting it into direct contact with his hands, and you and Era...

Well, you're ladies, so you let the boys do the heavy lifting.

"Eh exchange exchange!" complains Che Din, whose shirt is soaked through at the bottom with ice-cold condensation. "Why you - OI! DON'T DRINK YET!" he breaks off from wheedling to yelling when Ben nonchalantly reaches into the plastic bag he's( Ben) carrying to take a long swig. The bottle-mouth touches Ben's lips, and you make a mental note to not drink from that bottle.

"TASTES SO GOOD!" says Ben, exaggeratedly smacking his lips.

"EXCHAAAAAANGE!" roars Che Din, and that's the cue for an impromptu and very undignified game of chasing as Che Din pursues Ben.

You and Era watch them tear across the patchy grass as you get to the gazebo - the only shade in the park with seating - and make yourself comfortable on the wooden-slatted benches. "How they can tahan( tolerate) out there?" she wonders rhetorically. " Panas gila( Crazy hot) ."

You grin at her, taking a bottle from Che Mat (who has, sanely, avoided getting pulled into the chase scene) and carefully pouring some of the cold fizzy drink into your mouth without touching the bottle to your lips. "Because gila lor."

She rolls her eyes. "So, eighteen ady( already) , boyfriend ada sudah ke tak( have already or not) ?"

"...Era your boyfriend is birthday present is it? Wrap up and parents bring you ah?"

"Eh," and she does that see-saw thing with her hand. You've never actually met her current boyfriend, but her Instagram is full of couple photos of them at the university she goes to. "First date on birthday, count or not?"

"Counts," you decide, taking another swig of cold drink before you reluctantly set it aside. You never drink too much water at the park because everybody knows the state of the public toilets. You're not sure whether this one even still has toilets. "Except never wrap up." You lean in, a naughty grin on your face. "Unless you -"

"Astaghfirullah al'azim," says Era, mock scandalised. "Just turn eighteen then your vocab terus( directly) 18SX sudah( already) !"

"Era it's been like this ever since Form Six."

"Even worse! Underage!" Era's scandalised face could give the politicians on the news a run for their money. " Ingat( I thought) you are such a good girl, rupanya penuh lucah( actually full of lewdness) ..."

"Eh? What lucah?" says Ben, finally arriving in the gazebo. He's soaked through, and the bottle he holds is mostly empty. Then he yelps and dodges badly as Che Din appears behind him like the avatar of punishment, swinging the ice pack at his shoulder. It mostly connects, and it flings droplets of cold water at you and Era.

"Oi!" you scold, even if the droplets never made it to either of you. "Sit down!"

"Yes, madam Pengawas( Prefect) ," say Ben and Che Din, simultaneously, and they squat down and draw circles on the floor with their index fingers.

"..." you say, looking to Era for support.

She only shrugs. "Well, you were Pengawas for two years," she says.

" Cikgu( Teacher) Ang asked you first and you said no," you grouse. "And then I kena pula( got hit instead) ."

Era laughs. "Don't like then still say yes, some more two years." She leans in. "Admit it, you enjoy what, got that guy, what was his name -"

"Nope! Nope nope nope! La la la cannot hear you!"

"-mix blood then extra cute right, Gregory-"

"CANNOT HEAR YOU FASTER DRINK YOUR 100PLUS-"

"-and then in the end turns out he already got boyfriend-" You glare at her. She shrugs. "What? True what."

"Wah serious ah?" says Che Din, and you turn your glare on him. He's completely unfazed. "I didn't know at all!"

"You weren't a pengawas," you tell him. "And anyway it's not like we'd tell just everyone about it," with a meaningful and accusatory look at Era, who blithely takes a drink. "Personal thing you know? Personal?"

"Anyway his boyfriend was cute," says Era, nodding. "I got him on insta, want to see?"

"See for what?" you grouse.

"Eh maybe he bi?" she suggests, scrolling through her phone. "Then still got chance."

"See see!" says Che Din, looking over Era's shoulder.

"You see for what?" she tells him. "You also not looking for boyfriend."

"Maybe he got cute girl friends," suggests Che Din. "Those pondan always have cute girl friends."

"... gila babi( crazy pig) ," says Era, twisting her phone so Che Din can't see the screen. "Eh Amanda you see -"

But that's when your phone rings. It's an unknown cellphone number, and you sigh. It's probably a telemarketer, or somebody from the bank trying to get you to sign upfor a credit card. Seriously! Credit cards! You're only just eighteen and a few hours old! But you answer it anyway, because you've learned from experience that cutting the call just means they try again a few minutes later.

"Hello," you say in the deadest voice you can.

"Ah girl!!" says your father, echoing in a way that suggests he's on speaker mode. "You okay or not? House burned down yet?"

"...I'm outside with friends, Pa," you say, as deadpan as you can. At least it doesn't sound like he's on the road, so he's not phoning while he drives. "House is okay."

"Good, good," says Pa. "Eat lunch already?"

"Yes, Pa," you say. "Reach kampung already ah?"

"Almost there," he says, and you frown. He's lying. "Stop at petrol station you know? Toilet break and top up tank. Anyway got some things need you to do!"

Of course. No phone call from the parents is complete without something new to do. "A lot or not? I'm outside so you Whatsapp me if a lot, can?"

"No no it's really simple, ah, pass me that," he's speaking to somebody off the call and you're starting to suspect it's not Ma, and then his voice comes back to you. "Still there ah girl?"

"Still here, Pa. Who's that?"

"Okay number one! Don't get into competitions or new hobbies okay? No mahjong, no card games, no gambling, beauty pageants, whatever liddat. I think solitaire is okay?" There's something mumbled that you don't quite catch. "Only if it's offline!" More mumbling. "Oh and best if you use real cards and by yourself. Dunno why. Also don't go find fortune tellers or anything!"

"I don't gamble, Pa," you say. "I know what happened to Uncle Chan."

"Good, good," he says blithely. "Same thing but little bit different, don't try to do silly things! Like taking over the world or becoming Prime Minister or anything like that, okay? Just do your own thing can already!"

You're staring at the phone. Era and Che Din and Che Mat and Ben are all staring at you and not talking to each other like you wish they would so your four friends wouldn't be staring at you like you'd grown a second head.

"So just stay in the house is it?"

"Something like that?" says Pa.

"Eh need to go shopping though!" cuts in Ma at once, "and need to take Kau for walks still! Not just sit in the room only!"

"Ma," you say. "I'm not even in the house right now."

"Ya but you know what I mean! There's food in the fridge but you can't just GrabFood forever," and from there the conversation becomes surreally mundane because Ma has a whole list of things about the house that you need to take care of - laundry, Kau, food, repairmen who've been booked for little things here and there and some of those need to be cancelled and others need to be checked on, and there's a whole thing about the phone line -

"Eh Ma just Whatsapp me can?"

"I try see how," she says, her voice wobbling a bit. "See how can? We can't call you too much."

"It's for our own good!" Pa calls down the line.

"Anyway I'll try to Whatsapp you!" says Ma. "Stay safe okay?"

"I'm fine," you say, but you're starting to wonder just what you've ended up in, but you can't exactly ask them right now when all your friends are raptly watching you. "You all also take care."

"Love you, ah girl. Bye," says Ma.

"BYE!" shouts Pa, and the call drops.

You put your phone down, staring at the screen.

There's a very short silence, and then Era says: "Amanda, what happened?"

~*~*~

4 SPINS AVAILABLE!

~*~*~

Your friends have Questions! You respond with:
[ ] Complete honesty: you're not 100% sure this is the safe safe thing to do given the weirdness of your parents' behaviour, but you trust your friends so you're going to tell them everything that's happened since you woke up this morning!
- [ ] Use a SPIN to prove your new weird ability! (Write in what you use. You have an ice pack, bottles of fizzy drinks in varying levels of fullness, a headscarf, a watch, a phone, and you're in a park so there's leaves and grass everywhere.)
[ ] Partial honesty.
- [ ] Your parents have been acting weird since this morning and you're not sure why, but they're entitled to some mid-life madness and you're sure they'll be back soon.
- [ ] (Write-in what you want to tell them.)
[ ] No honesty.
- [ ] Everything's fine, your parents are just acting weird or something, don't worry! Hey, what's for dinner?
- [ ] (Write-in what you want to tell them.)

But then!
[ ] On your way out of the park, some guy runs up behind you, grabs Era's purse, pushes her to the ground, and runs for it.
- [ ] You didn't spend two years doing kawad kaki( marching exercises) as a pengawas for nothing! You (and Ben, and Che Mat, and Che Din) chase the guy down.
- [ ] You stay with Era as the guys go running after the snatch thief.

[ ] As the time passes, the gazebo fills up with aunties and uncles and a boom box. It's their evening tai chi time, and you're invited to join.
- [ ] "No new hobbies!" said Pa, and so the four of you leave and get into a round of anywheres and whatevers for dinner (which, again, you settle).
- [ ] What's the worst that could happen? You join in with the tai chi, even if you aren't quite dressed for exercise.

[ ] Ma's errands sound urgent, and Ben (plus his car) are right there, good for hauling things about. Time for the supermarket!
- [ ] A crying child begs you to help her find her parents.
- [ ] You run into an old schoolteacher, who reacts to your NEETness with a part time job offer.

[X] No honesty.
- [X] Everything's fine, your parents are just acting weird or something, don't worry! Hey, what's for dinner?

Click to expand...

Click to shrink...

Era's face is filled with curiosity and worry for you. You don't blame her - the half of the conversation she could hear wasn't exactly run of the mill. Ben and Che Mat and Che Din, on the other hand, just look like they're waiting for you to tell them that everything's fine so they can get back to having...

...well, they're having fun, you think, anyway?

"Ah just nothing lah," you say to Era, blithely brushing it off. "Parents being parents lor. Once turn adult they think I'm going to take you all go mahjong parlour or something."

Era still looks suspicious. "And they went kampung? On your birthday?"

You shrug. "How I know them? Early early morning eat cake sing song, then run out. I also don't know why." There, that's clooooose enough to the truth, because truth be told you don't know what made them run 300km away either.

Or whatever was with those weird things they were saying on the phone. Competitions? Hobbies? Becoming Prime Minister? Ugh. Parents. Eighteen years of living with them and they're still impossibly weird.

"Don't care lor, they want to go kampung they go what." You shrug, then guzzle some more 100-Plus. Then you artfully deflect the conversation. "So you still talking to Gregory ah Era? Didn't know you were keeping in contact with him!"

Her face says she's going to be chasing this thread again, but she lets it go. "Insta only okay! And takde( don't have) cute girl friends for you to find either," she says to Che Din, "all his Insta picture just selfies and food." She scrolls on her phone. "See, see -"

And, you think as she scrolls through shirtless selfies of your old crush complaining that he's fat, crisis solved averted. At least until Era decides to bring it up again.

[x] On your way out of the park, some guy runs up behind you, grabs Era's purse, pushes her to the ground, and runs for it.
- [X] You didn't spend two years doing kawad kakimarching exercises as a pengawas for nothing! You (and Ben, and Che Mat, and Che Din) chase the guy down.

Click to expand...

Click to shrink...

Social media is a rabbit hole. You go through photos, very carefully not accidentally double-tapping anything to heart them especially since you're on Era's phone, and from there it's on to other people's profiles and then Era's own profile, where she's got a bunch of new stories and photos from university and her own boyfriend (that you've never met, you tell her with Meaningful Looks. "You're not my boyfriend filter, Amanda," she tells you with rolling eyes.) and then her boyfriend's Instagram profile.

"Oh he also a lot of shirtless photos hor," you declare, grinning at the acquisition of new knowledge to tease Era with. "Swole swole orh?"

"It's good for him to carry things when go shopping," she declares stoically, but you can see her blushing. Ahahahaha. "And anyway the university gym is free to use for students so must make use okay?"

"Then you never go gym ah, still lembik-lembik( soft) one?"

"Eh I got go okay! Just not as much as him."

"Never make full use~"

"I never said anything about making full use, I only said make use -"

"Ah ah ah!"

The discussion-slash-friendly argument continues for awhile, until Ben rolls over on the floor and groans dramatically.

You and Era stop and stare. "What happen? Stomach ache ah?"

"Need toilet," he says, shamelessly.

Che Din kicks him in the shins, not particularly lightly. "See lah! See lah! Drink so much. Never thinking. Drinking only." He rolls eyes. "Need toilet go toilet lah."

"But the toilets here," says Ben, and you sigh. Right. Public toilets. "Go petrol station one lor can?" He turns to you, appealing. "Birthday girl say can then can right?"

"Okay lah," you allow, reveling in this one day of unexpected authority.

"From pengawas become cikgu," snarks Che Mat, gathering up the half-full bottles and tossing the bag of melting ice aside. "Go toilet also need permission already."

"Eh he asked one lor!" you reply at once, because if you don't nip it in the bud it will become one of their silly running gags. "Next time you want to go then you just go can already!"

"Yes teacher," say Che Mat and Che Din in unison, and you groan. Too late.

It's also probably because of that that you didn't notice there were other people around in the park. You become very aware of that, though, when Era screams and the four of you spin around to see her pushed to the ground, a man running away from you with Era's purse in his hand.

It's a good thing you wore jeans out today instead of a skirt. And that you had all that kawad kaki back in secondary school when you were a pengawas, because you can run. And, full of sugary isotonic drink, so can Che Mat and Che Din.

And, a lot farther back because he'd been power walking for the car and now is power sprinting for the snatch thief, is Ben.

The snatch thief runs for his dear life for a motorbike (plus rider) parked by the roadside, but he's not fast enough to get there before Che Mat and Che Din do - so he turns and throws Era's purse away behind him. It lands, its insides spilling out across the dirt and grass, and those few seconds of distraction where Che Mat and Che Din skid to slow down are all he needs for a last ditch burst of speed.

The motorbike and its two riders squeal off down the road as Ben and Era finally catch up and the five of you gather up her things.

"Anything missing?" you say eventually, as she tries unsuccessfully to zip the purse closed. Not that it really matters - the purse has burst in a couple of places. "Money okay?"

She nods, quietly, close to tears, and you stick to her: straightening her rumpled clothing, checking for bruises or scratches (there are a few, but nothing a bit of iodine won't fix), and otherwise fussing comfortingly over her.

" Si rempit sial( damned delinquents) ," grumbles Che Mat, still out of breath from the sprint.

"Excuse me you also rempit okay?" says Che Din, rolling his eyes. " Kapcai( old motorbike) still sitting at home, ask you throw also don't want -"

"My one is cool," defends Che Mat.

"You spray the anime girls on it," says Che Din. "Lucah gila still take it go out."

"Eh anime cool okay? Not like you tonton( watch) Upin & Ipin saja( only) . Nobody spray Upin & Ipin on their motor. Why? Because not cool."

They bicker all the way to the car and to the gas station and until Ben drops you off at home, because everybody has to have dinner with their families and stuff like that.

Except not you, because your family is... probably 300km away in some kampung, and expecting you to be good and obedient and sit at home doing nothing.

You switch on the lights and sit in the empty, quiet living room.

~*~*~

4 SPINS AVAILABLE!

~*~*~

...in an alternate universe where you told your friends the truth or a partial truth, you'd probably have gotten a QuickTime Event to summon something to catch the snatch thieves. But as it is they got away! Luckily for Era, nothing too bad resulted.

Well, you're a NEET and your family is gone off, but it's not like you do nothing at all with your time! What do you fill your time up with?

(Pick up to three!)
[ ] Watching lots of TV and Netflix. Netflix and TV. Well, mostly just Netflix. There's never anything good on TV.
● Netflix recommends a documentary to you, and you find yourself... weirdly illuminated. For some reason, nobody you ask has ever seen it.
[ ] Pa always jokingly called it "practice for housewifing", but you enjoy cooking and sewing and stuff like that.
● You also post pictures of your stuff on Instagram, Etsy, Pinterest, and places like that. You've been DM'd before with business opportunities and questions about commissions, but one of them stands out from the rest.
[ ] You kind of just hang out on reddit and Wikipedia and TVTropes all the time, soaking up useless knowledge and giving back some in return.
● You've got sixty tabs open and counting, but this particular rabbit hole is hitting a bit closer to home than usual.
[ ] As sociable as you are, running into friends and acquaintances wherever you go is pretty normal for you - in fact you sometimes have more lunch and dinner appointments than you have lunches and dinners.
● Firash? Who's Firash? You don't remember any Firash. But he seems to remember you, and has the receipts to prove it.
[ ] All that free time lets you be one of the most active members in your MMO guild. Hey, it's fun, you never buy any of their paid DLC stuff, and now you don't even have your parents asking you to pause it to run errands!
● They announce a global PVP event - guild vs guild stuff - and your guild mightn't be in the top 100 best on the server but you really want the event-only winner loot...

[ ] Use SPINs (up to four)!
- [ ] Write-in items used (must be three or more)!

~*~*~

A/N: whee MMO tournament arc is go

~*~*~

All that free time lets you be one of the most active members in your MMO guild. Hey, it's fun, you never buy any of their paid DLC stuff, and now you don't even have your parents asking you to pause it to run errands!
● They announce a global PVP event - guild vs guild stuff - and your guild mightn't be in the top 100 best on the server but you really want the event-only winner loot...
You kind of just hang out on reddit and Wikipedia and TVTropes all the time, soaking up useless knowledge and giving back some in return.
● You've got sixty tabs open and counting, but this particular rabbit hole is hitting a bit closer to home than usual.
Watching lots of TV and Netflix. Netflix and TV. Well, mostly just Netflix. There's never anything good on TV.
● Netflix recommends a documentary to you, and you find yourself... weirdly illuminated. For some reason, nobody you ask has ever seen it.

Click to expand...

Click to shrink...

~*~*~

When you wake up you notice you have more SPINS available to you now. Huh. One a day. How... nice.

It's less nice to be walking around the house and having it be so quiet while you fix your own breakfast and wash up after.

~*~*~

The light fades away and you pick up the fabric softener. The entire bottle is black, white, and blue, and you open its cover to sniff at it.

"Ew," you say, and hide it somewhere in the storage where nobody will ever find it, because nobody is ever going to want to use fabric softener that smells like a horror movie sounds.

~*~*~

10_manda_panda_01 has logged on

You scroll through the news notifications while Omima Online finishes populating your screen with your guild house and the avatars of whatever other guild members are online.

dark_fl4m3m4st3r: hey @10_manda_panda_01
dark_fl4m3m4st3r: happy bdae

"tq tq", you respond, and for the next few minutes you're busy responding to other members popping up to wish you a happy birthday. You can't really help it if you're something of a figure in the guild - between timezone weirdness and your NEEThood giving you lots of free time, you've picked up a reputation. And also a custom banner that somebody bought for you using real life money, seriously who does that, that hovers over your head saying Aunty 24/7.

You're not an aunty, but you think they're like... 12? And they meant well? So you leave it equipped. Besides, it is kind of cute. Except you're not an aunty.

"hey did u see the new event", says anemones_lyk_dis when the haze of greetings has passed and the other players have drifted off to do whatever they were doing before you logged on. "@green18271 wants 2 join"

@green18271 is the guild founder, so if they want to join the event there's not a lot anybody can do about it. But you shrug and reply: "lemme see" before scrolling back through the notifications. Right, there it is. Huh.

...PVP, except guild vs guild, last three guilds standing get... well, shit, that's a lot of loot. Your eyebrows climb higher and higher on your forehead as you go down the list. That's, like. Hundreds of ringgit worth of freebies. Per living member, sure, but that's still hundreds of ringgit worth of stuff. Plus event-limited skins and -

10_manda_panda_01: AAAAAA FANCY HATS I WAN
anemones_lyk_dis: kek
anemones_lyk_dis: ya @green18271 said that too
10_manda_panda_01: FANCY HATS
10_manda_panda_01: SO CUTE
10_manda_panda_01: I WAN

You're not usually one for PVP - you've never paid a single sen for a thing in the game - but, again, NEET. You've invested probably literally thousands of hours in Omima Online, certainly enough to (probably) hold your own. You think.

You rub your hands gleefully at the thought of getting hundreds of ringgit worth in freebies for free.

So, the event starts at midnight server time, which (you're pretty used to running timezone conversions in your head by now) means, oh, about five hours away. Right in the middle of the afternoon. You'd normally grab some lunch, but there's a few newbies who need Aunty 24/7 to help them finish enough fetch quests to get levelled up and geared up so they don't die in a single hit.

10_manda_panda_01: ok who needs pink snail shells
10_manda_panda_01: i hv 207

Okay, so maybe you're a bit of an aunty. But only on Omima Online.

~*~*~

4 SPINS AVAILABLE!

~*~*~

@green18271: hey hp bd
@green18271: so abt the guild v guild event
@green18271: what do u think
10_manda_panda_01: HATS
10_manda_panda_01: also tq
@green18271: kek
@green18271: wanna gang on the small guilds?
@green18271: or team up on the big ones
@green18271: some other guilds offering alliances

...okay so maybe you're aunty enough (but only online!) that people think your advice is worth something. You wish people in real life were so respectful.

Alliances, huh?
[ ] Go it alone!
[ ] Form alliances with...
- [ ] A bunch of small, weak guilds. They can't contribute as much, but there's little threat of them backstabbing you.
- [ ] A few guilds around your level. It'll be an equal partnership, but that means the endgame (if any of you make it that far!) will be most intense.
- [ ] One of the strong guilds. You'll definitely get the most out of it, but they'll have strict requirements - and if they decide to renege there's little you can do about it.

Let's talk strategy!
[ ] Turtle up.
[ ] Beat up some smaller guilds - it's easy and low-risk.
[ ] Attack the guilds nearer your level - take out your competition while you can.
[ ] Attack the big name guilds - they're the biggest and most obvious threat.