The Stranger In Red: Seras Victoria Quest (F:NV/Hellsing Abridged)

You know how people wake up with a hangover after a night of partying, missing their keys and whatnot? Well that sort of happened to me. Except instead of keys, I'm missing my fucking cannon! Yeah, I'm just a mighty bit pissed that one of the few things Master gave me is gone. But wait! There's more! I don't have a bloody clue where I'm at, and the sun feels like someone just threw salt and barbed wire on my skin. I've been walking around this damned place for a week without food, or anything to drink.

I could go for a bit of wine right now, red wine preferably. Better yet, I could go for an entire bar right about...Now, in fact! But that wasn't happening, considering I was walking in the desert with a French Mercenary as company.

Oh come on Seras, you know you'd miss my sweet voice.

Okay, I would miss Pip if he wasn't here. A bit odd he's hanging around in my mind, but better than him not being here. Much better in fact, I have someone to complain with about the hot weather.

We're walking...and we're walking...Fuck this is gonna take a while.

...

"Thank...Fucking...Christ..." I was sunburned, tired, and absolutely done with everything by the time I found a town. There were lizards breathing fire, a horde of skinless corpses running around, and I am sunburned like a fucking tomato! Oh god it feels painful, everything hurts me, please for the love of god can someone give me a bit of water? At least the town was in one piece...And there's smoke, fuck my life.

Surely it can't get worse, right Seras?

Walking inside the town, the sun began setting as I noticed the still living people nailed to makeshift crosses...So apparently Heinkel's students found their way to this bloody place as well. That's...Great, actually, considering I finally have someone to help with the whole 'lost in a strange land' thing. Oh, and to help me with the sunburn.

There was a group of Roman-themed guys standing at the end of the road, and I sighed. One of those days, where I'm thrown into some god-forsaken country or area just for fun! Just as I was about to curse my existence again, the guy wearing the dog head and black sunglasses stepped forth...Okay, I have several questions for him. First one, does he want to die a bloody and painful death for killing a dog? Second, who the fuck wears sunglasses at night? Third, why is everyone gathering around me like some sort of...Oh if they try anything I'll rip their nuts off.

"Well degenerate, how fortunate of you to witness the aftermath of the Legion's affairs within Nipton." His voice was kind of annoying, and I had the sudden urge to punch this cocky prick out right now. I could do it, not even have to deal with ammunition concerns considering the fact I'm a fucking vampire. I can simply rip them apart, that and the fact I can see only...Three guys carrying firearms, Pip, do a count.

Five, two lever action rifles chambered in .357 Magnum, one Browning Hi-Power in 9x19mm, and two more armed with 20 gauge pump lever action shotguns.

Thank you Pip, now what should I do with these bastards?

...


So let's see how I should deal with them...

[] I'll...
-[] Disarm (Literally) the guys armed with guns, while they can't do much they'll cost you time regenerating. (Hit Fast, Hit Hard)
-[] Disappear, drag them into the shadows one by one. (Stealthy Git)
-[] Fuck it, Shadow-Arm (Let Pip take the floor)

[] Write In...

I guess some things never change, Pip, get ready for some rip and tear. 'Rip and Tear prepared my dearest.' Aww, he called me 'dearest'. Momentary distraction from lover boy aside (Hey!), I let my arm shift into its more...Exotic form, a black shadow with a blood red tinge to the air around it. Immediately the Roman cosplayers aimed their weapons at me, and I gave them the good ol' cheshire grin.

"First off, I am a fuck mothering vampire and am to be referred to as such, you weird BDSM Freaks." I growled, feeling my accent grow a bit stronger when I began speaking. "Furthermore, I'm tired, hot, and sunburned to hell. So this is going to be cathartic for me." My arm lashed out, severing the arms of those armed with firearms. A triple disarm maneuver!

'You could say that they lost the upper hand!' Pip chuckled, and I resumed my slaughter. Picking up the two 20 Gauge Shotguns, I fired a blast into one of the Machete-wannabes before flip cocking the levers and firing two combined shots into another's chest. He was split in half from the combined pellets, and I had a laugh. It was like popping balloons filled with meat! Like that time Alucard wanted to visit some island called 'Banoi' during his vacation after the whole Millennium Incident and the resulting years of being a therapist.

Suffice to say, local ghoul apocalypse solved easily by 'Michael Mc-doesn't-exist'

By the time I took care of Cock Bite's friends, he was trying to run away while I dealt with them. That shite wouldn't fly with me, so I decided to give him a little incentive to stay.

And by that, I meant cutting off one of his legs or-

'I got this Seras, and un tir coming right up!' Pip had picked up one of the fallen Hi-Powers while I was in the middle of battle, raising it before firing the poor quality pistol at the escaping man's knee cap. 'BOOM! Kneecapped!' It was darkly hilarious to watch the Roman-cosplayer hobble on one knee, before I quickly caught up with the pansy.

Tripping him, I planted my foot on his back before figuring out what to ask. "So first question, where the hell am I?" I got a string of cursing in both Latin, English, and a few other languages before I slapped him. "I repeat once more, where am I?"

"Praise unto Kaezar degenerate!" He spat, and I took a deep breath.

'Should I rip his balls off, Seras?' Later, right now I'll do something else to get him to talk.

"Okay, this is fine. I can wait aaaaall night, and I have all the time in the world to stomp you into the ground." That finally got him sweating, and I got some answers out of him.

Apparently I'm in Nipton, in the Mojave Wasteland just South-East of the Legion's main camp. Though I have no clue what the fuck is a Caesar's Legion?!?! Is this world just a bunch of psychos stabbing each other with rusty blades and shooting with broken guns? Yay...So let's see what we can do, but first how do I deal with Cock Bite here?

Also, my skin feels like fucking burnt leather ohmygodpleasehelpme.

...

[] Leave him behind, let him rot.
[] Stomp his skull
[] DEEEEEEECAPITATIIIOOOOOON!

[] After that...
-[] Find a place to sleep, like a cave or an abandoned building.
-[] Find some aloe vera...My skin feels like burnt leather.
-[] Find some weapons

[] Write In...