Get... Something or Die Trying (No More Heroes/Assassin Quest)

Over the course of history countless individuals have lived, died, and carved out legacies. Legacies as revolutionaries, legends, saints, heroes, and just plain good-hearted people. They were born all over the world and would write their own unique stories in history.

This...... is not one of those stories.
--
(5 Minutes Ago)

All you wanted was a fucking Big Mac.

You don't know why you couldn't have nice things. You'd just recently moved to this shitty bumblefuck town Santa Destroy in the middle of nowhere. The place sucked but the rent was cheap and the weather was nice so you figured it could be worse. You had just moved all your things in to your new apartment until you were disturbed by a loud rumbling from your belly. You couldn't cook for shit so you headed to the mall to get some food. You were in the food court, standing on line at McDonald's and then... HE came.

It was a blond-haired middle aged looking man, with unkempt long hair and a thick disgusting beard. He looked like a hobo and his choice of attire was even worse. He was dressed in some sort of mermaid/merman whatever the fuck you call it cosplay. He actually looked like mermaid man from Spongebob. In his hand he was holding a 3 pronged golden fork, you guessed it was supposed to resemble a mini trident to go with his costume. Anyway this guy looked like an absolute idiot, and lucky for you, he decided to share all of the attention his stupid ass was getting.

"YOU!" He screamed upon entering the establishment, pointing his small fork menacingly at you. "YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

Everyone in the food court began to laugh at the scene this guy was causing, looking around for who he was talking to. It kinda looked like he was pointing at you but you looked around with the crowd hoping he was just confused.

"NO YOU, BEHIND THE FAT MAN." He continued as he walked closer, still pointing directly at you.

The guy in front of you... he could definitely lose a few pounds.. or a few hundred. At this point it was clear he was talking to you. You could feel the eyes of everyone in the food court staring at you as well.

I've never seen this guy before in my life. Sheesh, I come here my first day and I have to deal with some nutjob off his meds....

"Haha, look bud-" You began as you tried to diffuse the situation."

"SILENCE FOOL!" He shouted as he angrily stomped the ground. "I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY YOU. NOT AFTER YOU WENT AND FUCKED MY WIFE!"

There was a sweeping gasp across the food court. Even the fat man standing in front of you was glaring at you with a judgmental look in his eyes. You guessed this was what it felt like to be on Maury when he told you "You are the father."

"What? No- no, I have no idea what you're talking about! I swear!" You frantically responded. You had just gotten here and this psycho was already going to ruin your reputation! You had to stop him!

"SHE LEFT ME AND TOOK THE KIDS WITH HER! MY BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY IS NOW GONE FOREVER!"

The crowd was now directing this hostile tension towards you. You could hear murmurs of "what an asshole", "jerk", "piece of shit".

You were starting to get pissed now. You weren't gonna let this King Neptune-wannabee slander your name. "Hey! None of that shit you said is t-"

"ENOUGH!" He screamed as the fork in his hand suddenly grew to 6 feet. It kinda looked like a real trident now....

"YOU WILL PAY!" He heaved the now massive trident toward you with great strength. You barely managed to duck in time. The fat man that was standing in front of you was not so lucky.

Damn, I'm definitely not getting a Big Mac now.

At this point the food court had turned into a complete frenzy. Everyone was running in every which way trying to get the hell out of his way and the merman was ominously walking towards you. He lifted his hand and the trident unimpaled itself from the dead fat man and returned to him. He then reared back as he prepared to throw it again.

That was your cue to get the fuck out of here. You immediately ran into the nearest store, a Target. The merman came in after you, walking like he was the Terminator. You sprinted into the aisles and tried to lose your pursuer to no avail. You made a split-decision then-and-there that if you were gonna die to a mermaid-man impersonator you would at least die fighting. If he was killing people with a size-changing fork you could at least find something...

Ah Ha! You thought to yourself as you bent down and grabbed ....

[] A Xbox One controller. You might as well stick to what you know right? (Ability to capture and gain control over other fighters in a pokemon-like style.)

[] A paint brush and palette. You were pretty crappy at art but you could draw a mean stick figure. (Paint 3-dimensional structures and creatures that come to life. Think Doodlebob.)

[] A pair of boxing gloves. You've never been in a fight before but they looked pretty cool. (Learn a variety of super-powered punches! Fire Punch! Thunder Punch! Double Punch! Steel Punch! Anytypeofnounreallythatyoucanthinkof Punch!)

[] A bouquet of flowers. Now that his wife left him he probably needs a Valentine... (Control over plant life and the ability to create poisons and pheromones.)

[] A dumbbell. Maybe you could get a nice pump going before you get your ass kicked. (Enhance your body with muscles and control your muscle growth. Increase your physical limits to 10x, 50x, 100x, and even beyond!)

[] A dictionary. Uh..... hmm...... eh. (Materialize words as weapons; Shooting a fire ball that spells the word "combustion", A protective wall of letters that spell "shield". Shooting a nonstop barrage of letters that repeatedly spell "eternal", etc)

[] Write In. Anything really that you can find at a Target or Walmart-like store. Just try to follow the format of the other votes.

As a note:

If you're expecting a quest that is serious in anyway then this probably isn't for you. This is based off a Wii game, called No More Heroes about a bunch of asshole super-powered human beings who participate in assassin games and kill each other. There is a bunch of stuff that doesn't make sense and will not be explained because that is the easiest story for me to write consistently that's how it is in No More Heroes. Also the content in the game is pretty mature and the quest will follow suit so I'll just put that out there now.

If you have any questions just ask.

reserved

reserved