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It was a quiet, foggy evening as the two men in voluminous trenchcoats patrolled the area, binoculars in hand as they tried to sneak a glimpse into a dilapidated-looking building.
"This was where our sources said our targets have been hiding" one of these men hoarsely whispered to the other. "Don't see any activity though. You think we got our facts wrong, or are they lying lower than we thought?".
The other looked to his side, but before he could respond he gasped and almost lost his composure, as he'd seen something that made his eyes widen in horror.
"-The hell? Hey, you tryin' to jeopardise us?!" the first man almost snapped, till he too slowly turned his head to see just what had so shaken his comrade.
Nothing less than a pack of human-sized playing cards had come marching their way over, like a scene straight out of Alice In Wonderland. "I-I don't care what these things are, shoot at 'em! They're still cards, they'll tear as easy any paper!" the spy spat out. Both trenchcoated men began firing pistol rounds as quick as they could, yet each time the enlarged cards simply turned themselves to one side, leaving the bullets flying right past them.
"Right, fine then. Retreat!" the spy snarled as he and his comrade attempted to sprint away, only for them to freeze in their tracks at what they saw next. A whole 'pack' of card-soldiers approaching right from the route they'd first come from.
"Well shit. Feh, didn't expect to survive long in this service, but never thought it'd end like this..." the spy mumbled, looking like a deer in headlights.
To add to this strangeness, it was then a bone-chilling voice spoke up from out of nowhere, Yes, your luck has indeed run out...
"Fine evening isn't it, Moneypenny?" you heard the same voice as ever speak as its speaker threw his hat onto the nearby hatstand. "Ah, take it I'm not in the way of anything?".
Your real name of course was Hiroko Kino, but since even secretaries to MI6 needed to have their identities obscured, you were known around the offices by the alias Moneypenny. Since at the present you were deep in finishing up some papers, your short auburn-haired self couldn't help but be caught off-guard.
"Oh ah, James! D-don't come in like that so suddenly!" your much higher voice piped up as your face flushed red. You couldn't help but glare at the tuxedo-clad, raven-haired man that had so startled you, but you tried to gulp your feelings down and asked "Ah, anyway, I guess you're going on another mission now, w-wouldn't you be?"
"Well, that's the thing" the agent laughed "For some reason, M seems to think that what we have on our hands is one mission I'm just not cut out for, heh, whatever such a mission could be" a smirk covered his face. "Of course, even she had to admit that she couldn't name a single other agent who would be the right man for the job. Besides, pack of giant playing card-creatures? Bigger than I'm used to, but cards still sounds right up my alley".
"W-wait?' you spluttered out, hearing the bizarre scene Bond had just described. "What do you mean, 'giant playing cards'? Hmph, you're not playing tricks on me again, are you James?" you kept your cool, but still had to steam a little.
"Frankly it's not the most sensical thing to me either, but considering what I've been up to, perhaps it's hypocritical of me to go around talking about trivialities like 'sense'" Bond muttered, yet the smirk didn't leave his face "Normally that'd be all I'm allowed to tell you, but in this case, it's all we seem to know ourselves really".
Your conversation was brought to an abrupt halt as you heard what sounded like no less than explosion, and hardly that far off. "W-what was that?!" you almost squealed at the noise "Is this, is someone attacking MI6 directly?".
"Well, an awfully impressive opening move I'd say, coming directly for us. Not that it pays to be so impatient- Hold on, from the sounds of it that blast came from... Q Branch?" Bond paused a second there, couldn't even stop himself from twitching a bit, before wasting not a second longer in taking off.
You made a less dramatic exit, but still tagged along to Q Branch regardless, for a direct strike on MI6 was something even a secretary could not avert her eyes from.
o o o
As you entered Q's laboratory, you could barely see for all the smoke pouring out. When you finally could make things out, you were met with the hardly comforting sight of destroyed machinery lying around everywhere. Out of the wreckage you could make out a grey cat, luckily not a Persian, that leap down towards Bond.
"I say, James? Can you hear me? Can you- oh blast, not a word from him. Well, it appears I'm truly done for now" you heard the cat... talking? In Q's voice?!
You stifled a gasp, then knelt down and beckoned the cat to come your way. "Ah Moneypenny, well it's reassuring at least someone's bothering to listen to me. Hmm ah, this is undeniably going to be difficult to explain- oh for God's sake. Bond, if you can hear me, take cover!" This Q-Cat tried shouting back at Bond, just as a hand of those very card-soldiers you heard Bond mention sprang up on all sides around him out of the smoke, each ganging up on him with short spears in what'd pass as their hands.
"Bond, look out!" you screamed as you ran in vain against the card-soldiers. Or not so in vain, as for some inexplicable reason a strong red-and-white aura was out of nowhere forming around yourself, making all these cards take notice.
"Latent psychic potential" the Q-Cat said in response "Quite coincidentally, the very field I was just researching. Sorry James, but it looks like Moneypenny will be forced to take centre-stage now".
"Ps-sychic?! I have no idea-" you yelled back in response, but with more cards now coming after you, it looked like you'd have to shoot first and ask questions later.
If this aura was psychic power, then you guessed you should be able to control it with your mind alone, right?
[ ] Try blasting your 'aura' directly at them.
[ ] Try envisioning these cards' next movements.
[ ] Try focusing on anything nearby, something you can ram into these cards.
[ ] Try casting an illusion, see if you can fool these cards.
[ ] Write-in.
QM's Note: Decided to go with psychic powers for magic since they've already appeared in the Bond series, so I thought they'd have the best chance of fitting in, that is if 'fitting in' is really what something conceived as a Crack Quest should be concerned with.
I do already have two other Quests going, but still thought it could be amusing to see where this went.
The Bond regulars here aren't based on any one specific portrayals of them in the movies.
Wasn't planning to make a character sheet, so you can go ahead and post.
