It is a lovely, beautiful, perfect day in the land of Krynn. Tanis Half-Elven is with the Elven...
Kender Quest: A D&D Torture Device
- Thread starter MysticKnightJoe
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It Begins
MysticKnightJoe
Defender of Holy Terra
- Location
- Fighting the Forces of Evil Across the Cosmos
It is a lovely, beautiful, perfect day in the land of Krynn. Tanis Half-Elven is with the Elven Princess, the Dwarf is doing Dwarf things, and Paladine is still an asshole. And you are just so superly duperly happy. How could you not! It is another beautiful day of being you!
You are a Kender living in a happy Kender village with all your Kender friends and relatives. Usually you'd be content to hang out and do Kender stuff at home. But really, Krynn demands that you go out and do Kender things all over the land! Truly it will be wonderful! Perhaps you will visit the Elves. Or the Knights of Solamina. Or the Dwarves. Or maybe you'll borrow some booze and collapse in a gutter somewhere! The adventures are endless!
Who are you though?
Name:
[] Write-in (I will veto names that aren't annoying enough)
Gender:
[] Write-in
Class:
[] Theif
[] Theif
[] Theif
[] Theif
Personality:
[] Annoying
[] Ungodly Annoying
[] ANNOYING
[] Kill me
[] KILL IT WITH FIRE
Now, this won't be full D&D, so don't worry. Not going to roll for stats or anything. But here are 6 general statements to describe what we can do: Incapable, Hopeless, Weak, Terrible, Bad, and Meh. Distribute these between the 6 classic D&D stats. Hope everyone enjoys this totally serious quest!
You are a Kender living in a happy Kender village with all your Kender friends and relatives. Usually you'd be content to hang out and do Kender stuff at home. But really, Krynn demands that you go out and do Kender things all over the land! Truly it will be wonderful! Perhaps you will visit the Elves. Or the Knights of Solamina. Or the Dwarves. Or maybe you'll borrow some booze and collapse in a gutter somewhere! The adventures are endless!
Who are you though?
Name:
[] Write-in (I will veto names that aren't annoying enough)
Gender:
[] Write-in
Class:
[] Theif
[] Theif
[] Theif
[] Theif
Personality:
[] Annoying
[] Ungodly Annoying
[] ANNOYING
[] Kill me
[] KILL IT WITH FIRE
Now, this won't be full D&D, so don't worry. Not going to roll for stats or anything. But here are 6 general statements to describe what we can do: Incapable, Hopeless, Weak, Terrible, Bad, and Meh. Distribute these between the 6 classic D&D stats. Hope everyone enjoys this totally serious quest!
It's a Brand New Day!
MysticKnightJoe
Defender of Holy Terra
- Location
- Fighting the Forces of Evil Across the Cosmos
You hop out of bed with a smile on your face. Today is the day! The day you, Binks "Scrapey" Dewjar, follow in the footsteps of the great Kender heroes (all one of them) and go on an adventure!
You pack your gear, your supplies, the flute you borrowed from that Elf who passed through a week ago, and walk out the door. To your joy, Papa Kender is there with a massive delegation of Kender Villagers. "Scrapey, my lad, I see you are going to leave us now."
"Yep yep, Papa Kender, I'm of to see the great land of Krynn. I expect to have such awesome adventures! I shall return one day with stories and things!" You smile happily.
Papa Kender solemnly nods. "See that you do, young Binks. We will keep your place clean."
And so, with a last cheer of happiness, you leave your fellow Kender. Probably forever really. Your chances of survival are low really. Almost negative honestly. Not that you are aware of that. You feel nothing but joy as you skip out of town! You will miss your fellows, and surely they will miss you.
"Hooray!" cheer all the Kender. The party lasts three days and nights.
[] Suddenly a streak of fire comes down from the heavens. It impacts somewhere in the middle of the forest.
[] A young woman is running down the road. She is screaming and flailing her arms over her head.
[] You see nothing, continue to the human city of Genericburg.
You pack your gear, your supplies, the flute you borrowed from that Elf who passed through a week ago, and walk out the door. To your joy, Papa Kender is there with a massive delegation of Kender Villagers. "Scrapey, my lad, I see you are going to leave us now."
"Yep yep, Papa Kender, I'm of to see the great land of Krynn. I expect to have such awesome adventures! I shall return one day with stories and things!" You smile happily.
Papa Kender solemnly nods. "See that you do, young Binks. We will keep your place clean."
And so, with a last cheer of happiness, you leave your fellow Kender. Probably forever really. Your chances of survival are low really. Almost negative honestly. Not that you are aware of that. You feel nothing but joy as you skip out of town! You will miss your fellows, and surely they will miss you.
*****
"At last!" Papa Kender declares. "We have finally gotten rid of that obnoxious little bastard!"
"Hooray!" cheer all the Kender. The party lasts three days and nights.
*****
Yep. They are probably feeling pretty bittersweet now. But now is the time to look for adventure!
[] Suddenly a streak of fire comes down from the heavens. It impacts somewhere in the middle of the forest.
[] A young woman is running down the road. She is screaming and flailing her arms over her head.
[] You see nothing, continue to the human city of Genericburg.
Oh! A Person!
MysticKnightJoe
Defender of Holy Terra
- Location
- Fighting the Forces of Evil Across the Cosmos
[X] Suddenly a streak of fire comes down from the heavens. It impacts somewhere in the middle of the forest.
You jump with a mix of fear and excitement as the apparent comet impacts in the middle of the nearby forest. You think for but a second and immediatly decide to investigate. Your intense curiosity demands it!
Your wandering into the forest is uneventful. Not that anything is to be expected. The impact zone is obvious in its prescense. Several trees have been knocked over. In the center of the dirt covered indent is a green man. Dressed in strange furs with a great sword on his back. He is out like a light. You feel a tingle of excitement and:
[] Borrow the Green Man's Swag
[] Sit by the Green Man and stare at him until he wakes up
[] Poke the Green Man with a stick
[] Run away like the pathetic weakling you are
You jump with a mix of fear and excitement as the apparent comet impacts in the middle of the nearby forest. You think for but a second and immediatly decide to investigate. Your intense curiosity demands it!
Your wandering into the forest is uneventful. Not that anything is to be expected. The impact zone is obvious in its prescense. Several trees have been knocked over. In the center of the dirt covered indent is a green man. Dressed in strange furs with a great sword on his back. He is out like a light. You feel a tingle of excitement and:
[] Borrow the Green Man's Swag
[] Sit by the Green Man and stare at him until he wakes up
[] Poke the Green Man with a stick
[] Run away like the pathetic weakling you are
Shiny!!!!!!!!
MysticKnightJoe
Defender of Holy Terra
- Location
- Fighting the Forces of Evil Across the Cosmos
[X] Borrow the Green Man's Swag
-[X] Act surprised if anyone asks you about it
For a few seconds, your better nature almost steps in. But your curiosity takes over and soon you are running through the forest, newly weighed down by the mysterious Green Man's sword, ring, clothing, underpants, and super special secret diary. On the front of the diary is the words: "Tain Kelkas's Diary: Don't Read or your Name is in the Dead Book." How exciting!
Equally exciting is when you run into an Elf. A slim fellow dressed in chain and armed with bow and sword. You tip your hat to him. "Hello Mr. Elf."
The Elf gives you a polite bow. "Greetings, friend Kender. MIght I ask where you found that sword? And that clothing? And those underpants? All of which is far too big for you?"
You blink and then look very confused. "Oh gee whiz, I am carrying all this! Where did I find all this!" You smile at the elf. "Sorry, fella, I didn't even notice all these things." You deftly change the subject. "I'm Binks "Scrapey" Dewar, Kender extraordinaire at your service."
The Elf stares at you blankly. His face is almost unreadable. "I am Feindrail Woodbreeze. Ranger."
"Neat!" You say with a beaming grin. "I met an Elf a bit ago, lent my harmonica from her."
"Right," Feindrail says.
"Say...I'm putting together an adventuring party, would you like to come along with me."
Feindrail rubs his chin in thought. Finally, he answers. "No."
You let out a disappointed sigh. "Alright. If you change your mind, I'll be in Genericburg! Seeya, Mr. Elf!" You skip away, happy that you have made a new friend.
[You have made a new "friend": Feindrail Woodbreeze, CG Elf Ranger.]
Feindrail watches you leave before letting out a very irritated sigh and walking in the direction you came from. He suspects he will have to help a very naked man somewhere in the forest. Most likely in the impact zone of that meteor that came down a bit ago.
You are on the road to Genericburg, what do you do on the way?
[] Read the Diary
[] Keep Walking
[] Play a Song with your Harmonica
[] Write-in
-[X] Act surprised if anyone asks you about it
For a few seconds, your better nature almost steps in. But your curiosity takes over and soon you are running through the forest, newly weighed down by the mysterious Green Man's sword, ring, clothing, underpants, and super special secret diary. On the front of the diary is the words: "Tain Kelkas's Diary: Don't Read or your Name is in the Dead Book." How exciting!
Equally exciting is when you run into an Elf. A slim fellow dressed in chain and armed with bow and sword. You tip your hat to him. "Hello Mr. Elf."
The Elf gives you a polite bow. "Greetings, friend Kender. MIght I ask where you found that sword? And that clothing? And those underpants? All of which is far too big for you?"
You blink and then look very confused. "Oh gee whiz, I am carrying all this! Where did I find all this!" You smile at the elf. "Sorry, fella, I didn't even notice all these things." You deftly change the subject. "I'm Binks "Scrapey" Dewar, Kender extraordinaire at your service."
The Elf stares at you blankly. His face is almost unreadable. "I am Feindrail Woodbreeze. Ranger."
"Neat!" You say with a beaming grin. "I met an Elf a bit ago, lent my harmonica from her."
"Right," Feindrail says.
"Say...I'm putting together an adventuring party, would you like to come along with me."
Feindrail rubs his chin in thought. Finally, he answers. "No."
You let out a disappointed sigh. "Alright. If you change your mind, I'll be in Genericburg! Seeya, Mr. Elf!" You skip away, happy that you have made a new friend.
[You have made a new "friend": Feindrail Woodbreeze, CG Elf Ranger.]
*************
Feindrail watches you leave before letting out a very irritated sigh and walking in the direction you came from. He suspects he will have to help a very naked man somewhere in the forest. Most likely in the impact zone of that meteor that came down a bit ago.
*************
You are on the road to Genericburg, what do you do on the way?
[] Read the Diary
[] Keep Walking
[] Play a Song with your Harmonica
[] Write-in
Oh the Road to Genericburg
MysticKnightJoe
Defender of Holy Terra
- Location
- Fighting the Forces of Evil Across the Cosmos
[] A horrifying combo of every option given. This will probably cause someone's death.
As you walk down the road to the human town of Genericburg who start happily playing on your harmonica. You half remember a dozen different songs and rather then playing one, you play every one of them. Over and over and over again. You are terrible at it. An old man walking by with his daughter lets out a scream of pure agony as his aging eardrums explode from the strain of having to hear your unholy music. He collapses to the ground stone dead. His daughter weeps in agony and pain.
[You get 100 XP.]
You keep walking and keep playing, causing more suffering as you go. Somehow you manage to pull out the diary at the same time as your playing. You flip it open with a giggle that becomes a horrifically high note that causes several passersby to promptly shit their pants. To your great disappointment, there isn't really anything interesting in it. Just a documentation of the Green Man's feelings. He seems to have lived in some city called "Sigil" and was mooning after some lady...a "Halfling" named Hanna Swiftfeet. "What the hell is a Halfling," you mutter to yourself. They sound annoying and lame.
The last entry is a scrawl of writing. "Found me. Got to run quick-speed. New adventure-pilgrimage to my sorrow. Sorry, Hanna. Have to leave or you will be in dead-book sure as sure." You roll your eyes. Lame.
You spy a man walking by. He is also playing a harmonica. It actually sounds good. For some reason this causes one of your random rages to come to the front. Your knife is out and you stab him before you can think. Luckily for the poor guy, you are so weak it bounces off his shirt. He stares blankly at you in utter confusion. You run before he can say anything. You end up stabbing more people out of boredom. It never works. Oh well. You're not angry anymore, so it is fine. At long last, you reach the gates of Genericburg. The gate is wide open so you step inside. Time to decide your next move!
[] Go to the Tavern: Adventurer's Gathering Place
[] Go to the Blacksmith...you need a better knife, obviously
[] Go to the temple for some reason
[] Eat your harmonica
As you walk down the road to the human town of Genericburg who start happily playing on your harmonica. You half remember a dozen different songs and rather then playing one, you play every one of them. Over and over and over again. You are terrible at it. An old man walking by with his daughter lets out a scream of pure agony as his aging eardrums explode from the strain of having to hear your unholy music. He collapses to the ground stone dead. His daughter weeps in agony and pain.
[You get 100 XP.]
You keep walking and keep playing, causing more suffering as you go. Somehow you manage to pull out the diary at the same time as your playing. You flip it open with a giggle that becomes a horrifically high note that causes several passersby to promptly shit their pants. To your great disappointment, there isn't really anything interesting in it. Just a documentation of the Green Man's feelings. He seems to have lived in some city called "Sigil" and was mooning after some lady...a "Halfling" named Hanna Swiftfeet. "What the hell is a Halfling," you mutter to yourself. They sound annoying and lame.
The last entry is a scrawl of writing. "Found me. Got to run quick-speed. New adventure-pilgrimage to my sorrow. Sorry, Hanna. Have to leave or you will be in dead-book sure as sure." You roll your eyes. Lame.
You spy a man walking by. He is also playing a harmonica. It actually sounds good. For some reason this causes one of your random rages to come to the front. Your knife is out and you stab him before you can think. Luckily for the poor guy, you are so weak it bounces off his shirt. He stares blankly at you in utter confusion. You run before he can say anything. You end up stabbing more people out of boredom. It never works. Oh well. You're not angry anymore, so it is fine. At long last, you reach the gates of Genericburg. The gate is wide open so you step inside. Time to decide your next move!
[] Go to the Tavern: Adventurer's Gathering Place
[] Go to the Blacksmith...you need a better knife, obviously
[] Go to the temple for some reason
[] Eat your harmonica
How about a magic trick?
MysticKnightJoe
Defender of Holy Terra
- Location
- Fighting the Forces of Evil Across the Cosmos
[x] Go to the Blacksmith...you need a better knife, obviously
[x] Pay for a better knife by showing a magic trick, that being to swallow your harmonica.
-[x] If that doesn't work, borrow a knife instead.
"Come on mister, you gotta give me a knife! Mine can't even pierce clot-er apples." You beg to the large man with the excellent mustache.
"Son, we live in a world of simple rules: You get money that you can exchange for goods, and I produce goods that you can buy with said money," the man says. "I'm not sure what it is that confuses you about that."
You puff up your cheeks in a way that you think is cute. In fact on you, it is disconcertedly ugly. "But mister, I need a new knife."
The human produces a fairly average looking knife. "This is a solidly made bit of steel. It costs two gold pieces."
"I don't have any gold pieces." You whine with a voice that can break glass.
The human stands firm. "Well, then you should get an honest job and work for a knife."
You rub your chin and flex every bit of mental muscle you can. It isn't much, but you still manage to think of something. This has to work! "How about I trade you! I'll show you an awesome magic trick, and you give me the knife."
The man crosses his arms and looks at you expectantly. You take that as a yes. You grab your harmonica. "You see this harmonica? I'm going to eat it." With that preamble, you shove the harmonica in your mouth and swallow. Immediately your throat tightens around the offending object. By all rights, you should choke to death. Sadly, the universe is an annoying and stupid place, and somehow the harmonica slips through your throat and into your gut. You grin, puff out your chest and declare. "You see! I did it! Can I have the knife now!"
The man just stares at you blankly. "That was the single stupidest thing I have seen in my entire life. Anyone stupid enough to do that isn't responsible enough to have a knife. So no, I won't give you a knife. Get out of my shop."
You stick out your tongue and thumb your nose at the man as you leave. As you exit the shop, you palm a knife from a display table. The human doesn't seem to notice. Serves him right. Jerk.
[] Go to the Tavern now
[] Go to the Temple
[] Leave this Stupid Town
[] Try to puke up your Harmonica
[x] Pay for a better knife by showing a magic trick, that being to swallow your harmonica.
-[x] If that doesn't work, borrow a knife instead.
"Come on mister, you gotta give me a knife! Mine can't even pierce clot-er apples." You beg to the large man with the excellent mustache.
"Son, we live in a world of simple rules: You get money that you can exchange for goods, and I produce goods that you can buy with said money," the man says. "I'm not sure what it is that confuses you about that."
You puff up your cheeks in a way that you think is cute. In fact on you, it is disconcertedly ugly. "But mister, I need a new knife."
The human produces a fairly average looking knife. "This is a solidly made bit of steel. It costs two gold pieces."
"I don't have any gold pieces." You whine with a voice that can break glass.
The human stands firm. "Well, then you should get an honest job and work for a knife."
You rub your chin and flex every bit of mental muscle you can. It isn't much, but you still manage to think of something. This has to work! "How about I trade you! I'll show you an awesome magic trick, and you give me the knife."
The man crosses his arms and looks at you expectantly. You take that as a yes. You grab your harmonica. "You see this harmonica? I'm going to eat it." With that preamble, you shove the harmonica in your mouth and swallow. Immediately your throat tightens around the offending object. By all rights, you should choke to death. Sadly, the universe is an annoying and stupid place, and somehow the harmonica slips through your throat and into your gut. You grin, puff out your chest and declare. "You see! I did it! Can I have the knife now!"
The man just stares at you blankly. "That was the single stupidest thing I have seen in my entire life. Anyone stupid enough to do that isn't responsible enough to have a knife. So no, I won't give you a knife. Get out of my shop."
You stick out your tongue and thumb your nose at the man as you leave. As you exit the shop, you palm a knife from a display table. The human doesn't seem to notice. Serves him right. Jerk.
[] Go to the Tavern now
[] Go to the Temple
[] Leave this Stupid Town
[] Try to puke up your Harmonica
Drowning Your Harmonica with Booze
MysticKnightJoe
Defender of Holy Terra
- Location
- Fighting the Forces of Evil Across the Cosmos
[X] Go to the Tavern now
With your new knife in your belt, you skip down the road. So many exciting things you've found recently! Eventually, you reach your destination: The Pink Rose. A local tavern that is known as a gathering place for adventurers. Despite its name, it is a rough place with a rough statistic of five barfights every hour. By sheer Kender luck, it is quiet today. Only one person is in the room, cradling a single glass of whiskey. She barely looks up as you plop down beside her. "How goes it?"
The woman gives you a flat look. "I am alone in a shitty tavern drinking heavy liquor. I feel absolutely fan-fucking-tastic."
You beam with the irritating light of a thousand suns. "Wow! That's great!"
You hear something break. Not sure what. "So. What do I have to do to get you to leave?"
"What's your name? Are you an adventurer? What's your favorite color? Do you want to join my party?"
"Gabrielle, Mage, Aquamarine, fuck no."
[You've made a new "friend" Gabrielle LN Human Wizard.]
You frown. "You sure."
"Yes. Please leave me alone, I'm trying to see if I can die from loneliness." She lets out a long-suffering sigh of pure angst. "Truly it is all I'm good for." Several seconds pass as you stare at her blankly. Finally, she scowls with annoyance. "That is the part where a handsome knight is supposed to barge in and solve my problems." She takes a long sip. "Apparently, my suffering is only worth a Kender. Typical really."
"Hey! I can help you with your problems! What are they! I'm an adventurer you know!" You draw your knife. "I have this new knife and everything."
Gabrielle frowns. "I suppose. If you are all I'm going to get I have to make the best of it. I happen to own a small parcel of land just outside this city. I returned there to gather some sensitive supplies for some experiments I'm conducting. To my consternation, a band of Goblins have taken over my tower. They have eaten all my food and stolen all my gold."
"How did you afford the whiskey then?" You ask.
Gabrielle gives you the ultimate death glare. "It isn't good whiskey." She drinks the rest of the glass, then belches in a very unladylike fashion. "Anyway, clear the Goblins out and I'll give you a shiny gold piece or three."
You jump up and do a jig of glee. "Hooray! My first quest! This day is the best ever! Nothing will go wrong I promise, those Goblins are good as dealt with!"
Suddenly, the door shakes on its hinges. The Tavern Keeper, an aging overweight human man, rushes over. "OY! It's unlocked ya dumb sod ju-"
The door flies off its hinges with the force of a thunderbolt. It slams into the tavern keeper, sending him into the wall with a massive CRUNCH. The figure that enters the Pink Rose is immediately familiar. It is the Green Man from the forest. Seething with raw rage and still completely nude. His eyes are veined and he chokes out in a voice butchered by rage. "Sword...clothes...diary...where...give...now...kill."
[] RUN
[] SCREAM
[] Fall on your back and start crying
[] ATTACK
[] Attempt diplomacy
With your new knife in your belt, you skip down the road. So many exciting things you've found recently! Eventually, you reach your destination: The Pink Rose. A local tavern that is known as a gathering place for adventurers. Despite its name, it is a rough place with a rough statistic of five barfights every hour. By sheer Kender luck, it is quiet today. Only one person is in the room, cradling a single glass of whiskey. She barely looks up as you plop down beside her. "How goes it?"
The woman gives you a flat look. "I am alone in a shitty tavern drinking heavy liquor. I feel absolutely fan-fucking-tastic."
You beam with the irritating light of a thousand suns. "Wow! That's great!"
You hear something break. Not sure what. "So. What do I have to do to get you to leave?"
"What's your name? Are you an adventurer? What's your favorite color? Do you want to join my party?"
"Gabrielle, Mage, Aquamarine, fuck no."
[You've made a new "friend" Gabrielle LN Human Wizard.]
You frown. "You sure."
"Yes. Please leave me alone, I'm trying to see if I can die from loneliness." She lets out a long-suffering sigh of pure angst. "Truly it is all I'm good for." Several seconds pass as you stare at her blankly. Finally, she scowls with annoyance. "That is the part where a handsome knight is supposed to barge in and solve my problems." She takes a long sip. "Apparently, my suffering is only worth a Kender. Typical really."
"Hey! I can help you with your problems! What are they! I'm an adventurer you know!" You draw your knife. "I have this new knife and everything."
Gabrielle frowns. "I suppose. If you are all I'm going to get I have to make the best of it. I happen to own a small parcel of land just outside this city. I returned there to gather some sensitive supplies for some experiments I'm conducting. To my consternation, a band of Goblins have taken over my tower. They have eaten all my food and stolen all my gold."
"How did you afford the whiskey then?" You ask.
Gabrielle gives you the ultimate death glare. "It isn't good whiskey." She drinks the rest of the glass, then belches in a very unladylike fashion. "Anyway, clear the Goblins out and I'll give you a shiny gold piece or three."
You jump up and do a jig of glee. "Hooray! My first quest! This day is the best ever! Nothing will go wrong I promise, those Goblins are good as dealt with!"
Suddenly, the door shakes on its hinges. The Tavern Keeper, an aging overweight human man, rushes over. "OY! It's unlocked ya dumb sod ju-"
The door flies off its hinges with the force of a thunderbolt. It slams into the tavern keeper, sending him into the wall with a massive CRUNCH. The figure that enters the Pink Rose is immediately familiar. It is the Green Man from the forest. Seething with raw rage and still completely nude. His eyes are veined and he chokes out in a voice butchered by rage. "Sword...clothes...diary...where...give...now...kill."
[] RUN
[] SCREAM
[] Fall on your back and start crying
[] ATTACK
[] Attempt diplomacy
OH NO!!!!!
MysticKnightJoe
Defender of Holy Terra
- Location
- Fighting the Forces of Evil Across the Cosmos
[X] "Who are you?"
-[X] Pretend that you arent the same kender who robbed him.
-[X] "What, so every Kender looks alike to you? That, my friend, is racist."
-[X] "Also you totally murdered that innkeeper dude because you couldnt figure out how doors work. Thats...thats impressive. I'm a moron and I know how doors work."
-[X] If he attacks, make like a cobra and agressively projectile vomit the harmonica at him.
There is a moment that feels like an eternity. Gabrielle takes another sip from her whiskey, watching the event with interest. Finally, you break the silence. "Who are you?"
The Green Man snarls out. "I am Tain Kalkas, the being you robbed. Found you quick-fast though. Now going to break you good." He seems to coil like a spring, preparing to leap on you.
"Hold on! Hold on! What makes you think it's me?" You squeal.
"Elf told me of you. Kender filth." Kalkas hisses.
"I'm not the Kender you're looking for!!!!"
"Look like him to me."
You put your hands on your hips. "Why. That is the most racist thing I've heard in my entire life."
Kalkas blinks confusedly. "Wot?"
"Thinking all Kender look the same," you shake your head. "You, sir, are a racist."
Kalkas is now completely speechless. He opens his mouth to speak, then stops. His eye twitches furiously. He opens his mouth once more and is about to say something but you jump in before he can.
"Also, you killed that innkeeper because you couldn't figure out how a door works. That's...that's impressive. I'm a moron and I know how a door works."
There is another moment of silence, only broken by Gabrielle snorting in laughter and spilling her drink. Finally, Kalkas manages to croak out. "You've just sealed your fate, Kender." He rears back, about to spring on you. Suddenly, a massive pain shoots through your stomach. As Kalkas leaps at you, it bursts out your throat. The harmonica you swallowed shoots out along with a stream of vomit, slamming Kalkas directly in the forehead. He falls to the ground, temporarily stunned.
Gabrielle speaks up in the aftermath. "Wow. I'm amazed you survived that, Kender. I didn't know your kind could projectile vomit like that." She walks up to the once again unconscious Kalkas. "The hells a Gith doing around here anyway."
A familiar voice speaks up. "Apparently he fell through a planer hole while escaping a company of his fellows." Feindrail enters the room. He gives a polite nod to Gabrielle and gives you an annoyed look. "Having his belongings nabbed certainly didn't help his current predicament."
You giggle. "Well, is that so. Well, I best be off, Goblins to slay and all, later Feindrail, say bye to Kalkas for me." You start to skip out of the room before Feindrail's flat voice stops you.
"Not so fast Kender. You will stay here, return Kalkas's belongings and then apologize to the man." His eyes broker no argument. "I have no problem using force and unlike Mr. Kalkas, I'm armed."
You gulp and-
[] RUN
[] ATTACK
[] Ugh...FINE
[] Start Crying/Begging/Tantruming
-[X] Pretend that you arent the same kender who robbed him.
-[X] "What, so every Kender looks alike to you? That, my friend, is racist."
-[X] "Also you totally murdered that innkeeper dude because you couldnt figure out how doors work. Thats...thats impressive. I'm a moron and I know how doors work."
-[X] If he attacks, make like a cobra and agressively projectile vomit the harmonica at him.
There is a moment that feels like an eternity. Gabrielle takes another sip from her whiskey, watching the event with interest. Finally, you break the silence. "Who are you?"
The Green Man snarls out. "I am Tain Kalkas, the being you robbed. Found you quick-fast though. Now going to break you good." He seems to coil like a spring, preparing to leap on you.
"Hold on! Hold on! What makes you think it's me?" You squeal.
"Elf told me of you. Kender filth." Kalkas hisses.
"I'm not the Kender you're looking for!!!!"
"Look like him to me."
You put your hands on your hips. "Why. That is the most racist thing I've heard in my entire life."
Kalkas blinks confusedly. "Wot?"
"Thinking all Kender look the same," you shake your head. "You, sir, are a racist."
Kalkas is now completely speechless. He opens his mouth to speak, then stops. His eye twitches furiously. He opens his mouth once more and is about to say something but you jump in before he can.
"Also, you killed that innkeeper because you couldn't figure out how a door works. That's...that's impressive. I'm a moron and I know how a door works."
There is another moment of silence, only broken by Gabrielle snorting in laughter and spilling her drink. Finally, Kalkas manages to croak out. "You've just sealed your fate, Kender." He rears back, about to spring on you. Suddenly, a massive pain shoots through your stomach. As Kalkas leaps at you, it bursts out your throat. The harmonica you swallowed shoots out along with a stream of vomit, slamming Kalkas directly in the forehead. He falls to the ground, temporarily stunned.
Gabrielle speaks up in the aftermath. "Wow. I'm amazed you survived that, Kender. I didn't know your kind could projectile vomit like that." She walks up to the once again unconscious Kalkas. "The hells a Gith doing around here anyway."
A familiar voice speaks up. "Apparently he fell through a planer hole while escaping a company of his fellows." Feindrail enters the room. He gives a polite nod to Gabrielle and gives you an annoyed look. "Having his belongings nabbed certainly didn't help his current predicament."
You giggle. "Well, is that so. Well, I best be off, Goblins to slay and all, later Feindrail, say bye to Kalkas for me." You start to skip out of the room before Feindrail's flat voice stops you.
"Not so fast Kender. You will stay here, return Kalkas's belongings and then apologize to the man." His eyes broker no argument. "I have no problem using force and unlike Mr. Kalkas, I'm armed."
You gulp and-
[] RUN
[] ATTACK
[] Ugh...FINE
[] Start Crying/Begging/Tantruming
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It Returns! Scream in Horror!!!
MysticKnightJoe
Defender of Holy Terra
- Location
- Fighting the Forces of Evil Across the Cosmos
[X] "Pretty sure he wants to murder me. As such, remaining here is inconducive to my general health. As such, compromise: I'll hand over what I have of his before he regains lucidity, and you'll let me go."
-[X] "Also, I may have misplaced a few of his things. I'm not really all that lucid, reality sorta comes and goes for me, as evidenced by the occasional psychotic stabbing rage I suffer now and again, so: to make up for what I can't give back, I'll... I dunno, do something to make stuff up later when your friend isn't likely to murder me?"
-[X] "Also, side note, you should really teach him how doors work, before he accidentally murders another tavern keeper."
"Pretty sure he wants to murder me. As such, remaining here is inconducive to my general health. As such, compromise: I'll hand over what I have of his before he regains lucidity, and you'll let me go," you say. "Also, I may have misplaced a few of his things. I'm not really all that lucid, reality sorta comes and goes for me, as evidenced by the occasional psychotic stabbing rage I suffer now and again, so: to make up for what I can't give back, I'll... I dunno, do something to make stuff up later when your friend isn't likely to murder me?"
Faindrail nods. "That seems acceptable."
And so, with annoyed bitterness, you set down all that you have of Kalkas's belongings. Which turns out to be everything but his clothing. Guess he will be completely naked for a bit longer yet. You then skip out the door on the way to Gabrielle's tower, but not before adding: "Also, side note, you should really teach him how doors work, before he accidentally murders another tavern keeper."
Faindrail gives a flat chuckle. "I'll keep that in mind."
You skip/run out of town five minutes later, heading to the tower of that once belonged to a Mage and now belongs to Goblins...how do you play this?
[] Be sneaky!
[] CHARGE
[] DIPLOMACY
[] Fuck that drunk. Get out of here
[] Write-in
-[X] "Also, I may have misplaced a few of his things. I'm not really all that lucid, reality sorta comes and goes for me, as evidenced by the occasional psychotic stabbing rage I suffer now and again, so: to make up for what I can't give back, I'll... I dunno, do something to make stuff up later when your friend isn't likely to murder me?"
-[X] "Also, side note, you should really teach him how doors work, before he accidentally murders another tavern keeper."
"Pretty sure he wants to murder me. As such, remaining here is inconducive to my general health. As such, compromise: I'll hand over what I have of his before he regains lucidity, and you'll let me go," you say. "Also, I may have misplaced a few of his things. I'm not really all that lucid, reality sorta comes and goes for me, as evidenced by the occasional psychotic stabbing rage I suffer now and again, so: to make up for what I can't give back, I'll... I dunno, do something to make stuff up later when your friend isn't likely to murder me?"
Faindrail nods. "That seems acceptable."
And so, with annoyed bitterness, you set down all that you have of Kalkas's belongings. Which turns out to be everything but his clothing. Guess he will be completely naked for a bit longer yet. You then skip out the door on the way to Gabrielle's tower, but not before adding: "Also, side note, you should really teach him how doors work, before he accidentally murders another tavern keeper."
Faindrail gives a flat chuckle. "I'll keep that in mind."
You skip/run out of town five minutes later, heading to the tower of that once belonged to a Mage and now belongs to Goblins...how do you play this?
[] Be sneaky!
[] CHARGE
[] DIPLOMACY
[] Fuck that drunk. Get out of here
[] Write-in
Comrade Binks's Crazy Revolution
MysticKnightJoe
Defender of Holy Terra
- Location
- Fighting the Forces of Evil Across the Cosmos
[X] Diplomacy!
-[X] Goblins are pretty much more or less just green kender, right? Short, not brilliant, questionable grasp on the concept of personal property. Except that due to institutional racism brought on by the bourgeois they get discriminated against to the point where they have to turn to crime to survive. Appeal to their sense of kinship and rationality, and then to help them organize against their true oppressors, the capitalists!
You sneak through the very poorly tended undergrowth surrounding Gabrielle's Tower. As you do, you realize what must be done. Goblins are just green Kender. They are the victims here, not some drunk wizard who thinks she own property because some ancestor or other lived here centuries ago. And so the seeds of revolution spark in your mind. You will raise up the Goblin comrades and lead them against the evil, vile, disgusting capitalists like that blacksmith in Genericburg.
Your glorious revolution will change the world! This is what you've been set on this path for. And so when you reach the Goblin's camp at the foot of the tower you declare with your loudest voice. "Goblins! Lend me your ears!"
The Goblins look up. One of them speaks up. "Hey, it's one of them Kender. Looks juicy."
"Goblins! Too long have you been stomped down upon by the vile boots of the capitalist oppressors! You are forced to live in poverty while they live in comfort! Join me and seize the means of production! You have nothing to lose but your chains!"
There is a moment of confused silence. And then the Goblins cheer happily! They rush on you and lift you into the air, carrying you into camp. "Production! Production! Production!" The Goblins cheer in their harsh voices!
You cheer as well. "Yes, comrades we shall sei-wait why are you taking me to that cauldron?" Sure enough, the Goblins are taking you to a solid black cauldron set on a wood fire.
The Goblin chief looks at you curiously. "We seize the means of production. Kender produce meat. So we seize the meat and eats it."
"WAIT! That isn't what I meant! No, NO!" You scream in terror and start struggling like a fish. But it is no use, your pathetic Kender muscles are no match for a dozen sturdy Goblins.
Suddenly an arrow comes from nowhere, slaying a Goblin. This is followed by more arrows and bursts of magic. Then, Kalkas appears. He is still completely naked but for a belt and sword. He swings his massive blade down, decapitating the chief. You are saved!
"Guys! You came to save me!" You cry tears of joy. "Thank yo-"
"Oh, you're alive," Gabrielle says. "Honestly, kind of figured you died and got eaten." She looks over her land. "Yeesh. The little pukes made quite the mess, didn't they? Oh well. I'll enchant up some brooms or something, or maybe get some local kid to be my 'apprentice'." Her musing continues as Faindrail and Kalkas approach you.
"Kender not in the dead book?" Kalkas rasps. "Good. Owe me new clothes you do."
You stare at Kalkas's pen-EYES for several seconds, then lean over to Faindrail. "He...he is going to go around naked until I get him new clothing, isn't he?"
"Yes," Faindrail says with an annoyed sigh.
You look around at your friends and think about what to say to them...
[] Thank them
[] Yell at them
[] Start Crying
[] Kill them
[] Write-in
[New "friend": Tain Kalkas CN Githyanki Barbarian.]
-[X] Goblins are pretty much more or less just green kender, right? Short, not brilliant, questionable grasp on the concept of personal property. Except that due to institutional racism brought on by the bourgeois they get discriminated against to the point where they have to turn to crime to survive. Appeal to their sense of kinship and rationality, and then to help them organize against their true oppressors, the capitalists!
You sneak through the very poorly tended undergrowth surrounding Gabrielle's Tower. As you do, you realize what must be done. Goblins are just green Kender. They are the victims here, not some drunk wizard who thinks she own property because some ancestor or other lived here centuries ago. And so the seeds of revolution spark in your mind. You will raise up the Goblin comrades and lead them against the evil, vile, disgusting capitalists like that blacksmith in Genericburg.
Your glorious revolution will change the world! This is what you've been set on this path for. And so when you reach the Goblin's camp at the foot of the tower you declare with your loudest voice. "Goblins! Lend me your ears!"
The Goblins look up. One of them speaks up. "Hey, it's one of them Kender. Looks juicy."
"Goblins! Too long have you been stomped down upon by the vile boots of the capitalist oppressors! You are forced to live in poverty while they live in comfort! Join me and seize the means of production! You have nothing to lose but your chains!"
There is a moment of confused silence. And then the Goblins cheer happily! They rush on you and lift you into the air, carrying you into camp. "Production! Production! Production!" The Goblins cheer in their harsh voices!
You cheer as well. "Yes, comrades we shall sei-wait why are you taking me to that cauldron?" Sure enough, the Goblins are taking you to a solid black cauldron set on a wood fire.
The Goblin chief looks at you curiously. "We seize the means of production. Kender produce meat. So we seize the meat and eats it."
"WAIT! That isn't what I meant! No, NO!" You scream in terror and start struggling like a fish. But it is no use, your pathetic Kender muscles are no match for a dozen sturdy Goblins.
Suddenly an arrow comes from nowhere, slaying a Goblin. This is followed by more arrows and bursts of magic. Then, Kalkas appears. He is still completely naked but for a belt and sword. He swings his massive blade down, decapitating the chief. You are saved!
"Guys! You came to save me!" You cry tears of joy. "Thank yo-"
"Oh, you're alive," Gabrielle says. "Honestly, kind of figured you died and got eaten." She looks over her land. "Yeesh. The little pukes made quite the mess, didn't they? Oh well. I'll enchant up some brooms or something, or maybe get some local kid to be my 'apprentice'." Her musing continues as Faindrail and Kalkas approach you.
"Kender not in the dead book?" Kalkas rasps. "Good. Owe me new clothes you do."
You stare at Kalkas's pen-EYES for several seconds, then lean over to Faindrail. "He...he is going to go around naked until I get him new clothing, isn't he?"
"Yes," Faindrail says with an annoyed sigh.
You look around at your friends and think about what to say to them...
[] Thank them
[] Yell at them
[] Start Crying
[] Kill them
[] Write-in
[New "friend": Tain Kalkas CN Githyanki Barbarian.]
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