I was saying that the plight of the commoner isn't dire enough for any kind of violent revolution to not do more harm than good. Governmental reform would be better. Taylor also for all her trust issues can get attached really easily to people who tap her issues when she has neither fetters or friends. Further she is perfectly okay with Nobles and authority when she's the one with it at her back putting down the boot.
Totally agreed. Especially when in the society of ZnT a "anti-mage" revolution is pretty much impossible for the foreseeable future.
Also looking at the new chapter there are issues. Most of which were in the old.
It's introspection heavy and far more tell than show.
It tries for really and unnecessarily flowery descriptions where simpler things would be more use.
I would most certainly agree with this, except for the flowery description issue. Personally I feel the issue is that the prose switches back and forth from simple and flowery, never really settling on either.
Tell than show is also a big issue, one of the reasons I was pushing for some of the introspection paragraphs to be spread out.
Taylor sounds more like a troper or spacebattler describing her surrounding, and makes tattletale seeming deductions instead of general smarts and doesn't reference things like magic capes.
There are a couple of other sections like that as well, especially when she wakes up in the infirmary. The deductions don't always make a heap of sense.
Taylor is still bound after you go to great lengths to mention how keyed up she is and you seem to misunderstand just how close Louise would have to get to bind Taylor. Taylor's basically 6 feet tall while Louise is somewhere between 4'11'' and 5'4''. They have to be practically hugging or Taylor kneeling. Keyed or or relaxed Taylor wouldn't let her that close. She's try to communicate in which case things stall out with the language barrier and your story kicks into another direction entirely.
Actually, now that I think about it. Is it ever really explained how Taylor starts speaking the language? Now I need to re-read to make sure.
Beyond that there was time where Louise could complain about the summoning. There is also no seeming reaction to the missing arm. Which is kind of important.
the Passing of time is kinda screwy too.
I feel that this chapter could still be two or three smaller ones, with the passage of time being more defined by each chapter.
The Unique summoning chant is Awesum in a bad way. It's overly specific and not really attached to any frame of reference louise could name. It's also not very moving? The from the bottom of my heart may be old but it cliche in that it's almost begging for help which Louise really is.
Firstly : (
Good point, when I wrote the chant I was thinking more High Gothic Shakespearean "Chant of the mighty Sorcerer", but really this should be the impassioned pleas of a young girl who has almost given up hope.
I just got caught up in my "Language of Shakespeare" wank, probably should have thought about it a bit more.
The Rune Shard fight is still a cliche dragging your story down with how they both don't work that way and seemingly aren't noticed at all and how it causes enough mental damage and stress to cause severe nosebleeds. If you're going to keep it focus on it. This is something that's really important medically and that demand immediate focus and attention instead of dispearing into the plot ether. The Water mage should be doing tests and really shouldn't be calling louise the Zero if he wants to keep his job.
I don't mind the fight existing, but I feel it would work better if were weren't told about it. Maybe later on it could start to become clear that something is screwy.
Given all the things you had happen surrounding the binding, how much the binding means to her personally, and what Taylor looks like. Louise should have ya know came to the infirmary? Where the doctor would keep her or already be there because brain bleeds are serious. Not have Taylor go to her room alone.
Honestly, it also makes little sense from a more pragmatic standpoint. Why would they trust Taylor to make it there on her own.
The martial arts practice scene is kind of utterly pointless and trips the worst fault or writing about the pinpoints of fighting early writers fall into. Namely unless it's deeply woven into the plot skip it.
100% agree, it's a fine bit of writing but feels totally out of place.
Taylor sleeping outside of Louise's room is silly for early sequence reasons for the the point she's just ask a maid or a teacher for a place to rest. Or be taken to Louise's room when she is called earlier by the Doctor who should be restricting Taylor to bed rest cause she's crippled and passed out and was nose bleeding, and had flashing runes on her.
I eel you, Taylor is pragmatic, why the hell would she sleep on the ground?
Louise's self recrimination scene is still hollow nasty and not sympathetic. It also shouldn't happen cause ya know infirmary and them talking should happen. And Louise is kind of depressed? She'd probably not be talking about disobedience and more about knocking a crippled woman out and giving her a seizure which is important. Very. Important to human beings.
I don't mind it, but agree that it's still a bit too heavy handed. Needs to be broken up into smaller chunks and spread across multiple chapters.
Also the no human familiars for a while should be no human familiar at all known ever. The only humanoids that aren't rhyme dragons are void familiars and if they're known in an AU Louise's character changes rapidly.
I thought it was well known that Brimir had a humanoid familiar?
